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Los puntos clave
- Las reglas familiares, claridad sobre los comportamientos esperados en los miembros de la familia, ayudan a crear una estructura.
- Las reglas familiares funcionan mejor cuando todos en la familia conocen, entienden y siguen las reglas.
- Las reglas no deben ser demasiado rígidas ni demasiado flexibles y deben ser reexaminadas y ajustadas en cada etapa de desarrollo.
When I was growing up, one thing was very clear: My mother and father had rules, and I was expected to follow them. This only seemed natural, because not only did my parents have rules, but I also soon discovered that my school, my church, my city, and my state had them too, and I was expected to follow all of them.
Looking back, I now see that my parents were good rule-makers. Oh, not overly harsh rules, or too wishy-washy rules, just good middle-of-the-road rules. You see, there needed to be rules in a household that at one point included two parents, two elderly grandparents, four children, and our dog Flakes.
I didn't always appreciate or understand it then, but I now know the rules helped with many things. Sometimes the rules helped to bring order out of chaos. Sometimes the rules protected me. Sometimes the rules acted like a road map showing what was expected of me. And at times the rules helped me to learn many of life's most valuable lessons. Teaching children the rules begins when they are young and continue as they grow.
Consider The Story of Twins Name Jamie and Josh
Fourteen-month-old Jamie and Josh are busily exploring their world. Regularly, Mom lets them scoot across the kitchen floor to a cabinet, open it up, and noisily pull out each pot and pan. "What a wonderful game you two are involved in," Mom says. "I love the way you are learning about your world."
The next week Mom and Dad, Jamie and Josh go to visit friends. As the friends chat in their living room, Jamie and Josh scurry around the living room floor. Before long they open the built-in-buffet and begin to pull out all of its contents. As the host-couple look nervously on, not knowing what to do, the twins' mother says, "Aren't they cute? They are just a bundle of energy," then she and her husband ignore the twins and continue with the adults in conversation.
Mom's response to the twins at home seems appropriate and is not a form of overindulgence. However, to allow the twins to do the same thing at a friends' house is a form of childhood overindulgence called "soft structure." The twins are robbed of an opportunity to learn the important lesson of which behaviors are appropriate at home and which are not appropriate in other places.
Not Too Soft and Not Too Hard
Being too soft is not the answer. Desperate parents who are too soft on structure sometimes flip to the other side of the continuum and think the answer lies in being hard, rigid, or inflexible. Being too hard is not the answer either. The answer is in the middle—balance, or a combination of nurture and structure.
Create Family Rules
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention points out the following: "Family rules help create structure. A family rule is a specific, clear statement about behaviors you expect from your child. Rules work best when there is consistency, predictability, and follow-through." Family rules work best when everyone in the family knows, understands, and follows the rules.
Getting Everyone In The Family On The Same Page
When it comes to the rules it is important that everyone in the family is on the same page. Here are a few guidelines from the CDC to get there:
- Talk about the rules.
- Post the rules for everyone to see.
- Inform all adult caregivers of the rules so they know what is and isn't allowed.
- Ask caregivers to be consistent when monitoring and enforcing the rules.
- Repeat and remind children what the rules are.
What Else Can Parents Do?
There are many ways that parents can find the middle ground. Some of them are:
- Have a reasonable set of family rules.
- Be consistent in enforcing your rules.
- Have age-appropriate rules adjusting the rules for each new level of child development.
- Set reasonable expectations about chores.
- As children demonstrate greater responsibility, increase their level of freedom.
- Show appreciation to your children for how well they follow the rules.
Practice Aloha. Do all things with love, grace, and gratitude.
© 2022 David J. Bredehoft
A version of this article originally appeared in English.
