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Key points
- As our knowledge of autism increases, adult diagnoses are becoming increasingly common.
- Many adults who receive an autism diagnosis are in long-term relationships.
- Feeling fear, confusion, or concern about a partner’s diagnosis are common reactions for partners to have.
- Acknowledging the significance of a diagnosis and supporting your partner can help them and your relationship.
As awareness of autism—particularly in women—has gone up, it has become increasingly common for individuals to receive an autism diagnosis in adulthood. Many of these people are in long-term romantic relationships and marriages at the time of their diagnosis.
If you are the partner of someone who was recently diagnosed with autism, the right type of support can both make their life easier and strengthen your relationship. On the other hand, if you are unable or unwilling to be there for your partner at this critical time, it could leave them feeling isolated, unsupported, and misunderstood.
If you want to be there for your partner in the best possible way, start with these six tips.
1. Express what's going on for you.
Receiving an autism diagnosis is often a huge deal, both for the autistic person and the people close to them. As their partner, you’re likely to be at the top of that list.
Many autistic people feel a tremendous sense of relief following a diagnosis. They may have struggled for a long time, unable to shake the feeling that something isn't right. Discovering what that is provides them with much-needed answers.
Many adults, therefore, want to talk about their diagnosis and explain it to others. They often feel a sense of enthusiasm, even when that is mixed with other feelings such as regret for the past and worry about what their diagnosis means.
You, however, might not be feeling the same about your partner’s diagnosis as they are. You might not understand what it means. You might be concerned that the person you love as they are will change. You might not know what their diagnosis means for your future as a couple.
All of these are valid concerns, but many partners of autistic adults feel guilty for even entertaining them. It may become tempting to sweep your worries under the rug, or even to ignore the whole “autism thing” altogether.
But because autistic people often struggle to understand what is going on for someone, avoiding the subject can be upsetting and confusing for them. Finding a way to calmly talk through your worries will allow both of you the chance to be open and be heard.
2. Educate yourself.
Many people who receive a diagnosis in adulthood have spent a considerable amount of time researching autism. They are likely to know about the more subtle presentations of autism and have often come into contact with other autistic people through online forums.
You, on the other hand, may not have this level of knowledge, which can make the initial talks about your partner's diagnosis feel scary. Take some time to read up about what autism is, especially how its presentation varies by gender.
Doing so is likely to alleviate many of your worries. Remember, too, that your autistic partner is exactly the same person they were before their diagnosis.
3. Listen.
For many autistic people, receiving a diagnosis later in life requires a considerable amount of processing. This can be both internal and external; many autistic people need to talk things through out loud to reach a point of closure. You may have recognised this need in your partner before, perhaps when they have had to talk over a problem or are telling you about one of their special interests.
As part of their processing, many autistic people become intensely interested in autism and feel as if they need to talk about it with the people closest to them. You can provide some much-needed support simply by listening to your partner as they process their diagnosis.
4. Acknowledge the significance.
Some partners, far from being concerned or confused by their partner’s diagnosis, fail to even notice its importance. Sometimes, this comes from a healthy point of acceptance and the perspective that the diagnosis is unimportant because the person who received it is the same as always.
But even if your intention is good and your partner’s diagnosis truly means little to you, it's necessary to acknowledge how important it is to them. Often, receiving a diagnosis later in life is a pivotal experience; recognise that it may have a very different meaning for your partner than it does for you.
5. Believe your partner.
One of the most hurtful responses my clients have shared with me is not being believed by their partner. Even when they have been diagnosed by a qualified practitioner, some find that their partner refuses to accept that they are autistic. This is a painful, isolating experience, and often results in people feeling as if they have to hide who they are, not able to share their experience with the person closest to them.
An inability to accept your partner’s diagnosis may stem from fear, confusion, or simply a lack of knowledge. All are valid emotional responses, but they can be addressed if you put the effort in.
6. Support the unmasking.
When people receive a diagnosis, they usually want to become more true to themselves. Autistic people often spend a lifetime "masking" or hiding their autistic traits to appear more “normal.” They may even mask around their partners, at least a little. Accepting their autism diagnosis helps give them permission to embrace some of the behaviours they now understand.
It may feel uncomfortable for you to see some of the “real” parts of your partner they have always hidden—perhaps they more openly express their anxiety, or maybe they start to rock in front of you. But, despite any discomfort you may feel, it's critical for you to acknowledge the strain that putting on a constant act has likely had on them, as well as how important it is for you to support them as they become more authentic.
Providing the correct type of support during this critical time in your partner’s life will help them move forwards in a happier, more self-compassionate manner. If you need someone to talk to about your own feelings, seeking a therapist's guidance may be useful.
