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A few days ago, I overheard someone in the dog park talking about her Thanksgiving. "I knew it was going to be a really difficult day when my sister told me about the relatives she had invited, and I realized it was too late to uninvite myself. I am hoping I can find a reason to socially distance myself at Christmas and stay home."
A chorus of other anecdotes about other unpleasant or stressful encounters with family or co-workers followed her story. It was as if the many months of separation from people we really did not want to be with had sensitized us to how difficult it was to be with them now. For some, it was co-workers whom they now had to see because of a return to their workplaces; for others, it was volunteers they worked with in community organizations.
One recounted how working in social isolation in her home gave her the chance to multi-task. She could take mini-breaks to fold clothes or walk down her driveway to the mailbox. “I was tethered to my desk before the pandemic," she said "I rarely left except to go to the conference room for meetings, which usually included lunch. I never got to go outside until I left work and many days I arrived to work when it was dark, and left when it was dark again.”
We all agreed that participating in Zoom calls, conferences, lectures, or volunteer meetings allowed us to listen with "one ear" while texting, going through email, or brushing the cat.
"But what am I going to do about all the holiday events coming up?" asked one of the dog owners. "Not only do I have to buy gifts for relatives whom I avoided seeing last year because of Covid, but everyone expects us to have our annual holiday party again. I had forgotten how expensive and how much work it is to have an open house until we didn’t last year. Now what excuse do I have for skipping it this year?"
According to an article from Mental Health News, many of us are neither ready nor eager to resume the holiday activities we took for granted two years ago. This is especially true for those who suffered a loss of a loved one, or a job, or even a home. The authors reported on a survey of 4,000 adults in the United States who said they worried over conflicts caused by the pandemic, attitudes toward vaccination, and the expense of visiting family over the holidays. Although, not surprisingly, most of those surveyed were excited about seeing family and friends from whom they have been separated, about a third were seriously concerned about the cost of doing so, along with worry about exposure to Covid-19. This was especially true of those who anticipated that some at a holiday gathering might not be vaccinated, or may have been exposed to Covid while traveling.
Stress is often an unwelcome presence at holiday gatherings. A friend commented about how her adult children still bicker with each other when they get together two or three times a year. "They are in their fifties but they still argue as if they are five and seven," she told me. Someone I remotely counsel for weight loss told me that he is worried about seeing his family at the large Christmas dinner gathering this year. He had gained a considerable amount of weight over the past year, mainly because he was on an antidepressant that caused his appetite to increase. "I know they will talk about my weight to each other, but I refuse to announce that my treatment for depression is the cause. It was so much easier to visit them by Zoom."
But one could ask whether we really have to return to the behavioral patterns we followed prior to the pandemic and social isolation. Many are refusing to go back to the arduous, often toxic work environments of the past. They relish the freedom working from home gives them, and do not want to accept the arduous and time-consuming commute they endured pre-pandemic.
Those who used to accept the time-consuming obligation of showing up for community, educational, and/or other social or volunteer events, often after work or on weekends, have benefited from these events being offered on Zoom or in some other virtual format. Here, too, it is hard to switch to a commitment that entails being present in person rather than on a computer or smartphone, week after week. So, too, we may question whether anyone should automatically assume that we will travel long distances to show up at a family dinner or other celebratory occasions. There is great pleasure and joy in doing so for many. But for some, showing up comes at substantial emotional, financial, or logistical cost. (Amd who is going to take care of the puppies we adopted during the pandemic?)
Perhaps the answer is to have a virtual alternative, or practice our own version of social distancing. We now have an opportunity to evaluate whether we want our social behaviors to change or to revert to pre-pandemic patterns. And if we do want a change, then this is the time to make it.
