Does Your Child Say "No" to Almost Everything You Serve at Dinner?

This is the first in a series on why so many children have limited diets and what has gotten them there.

When I was a child, long, long ago, after the age of two or so, kids just ate what everyone else was eating at dinner. They didn't have a choice.

But something has changed in the last few decades. Children, especially young children, often only want to eat mac and cheese or pasta and butter and many parents are providing these.

But many parents are extremely frustrated. They don't want to serve pasta every night. But, at the same time, their children are saying no to everything else.

Often parents feel that they just can't figure out what to put on the table. They're afraid that either their children won't eat what they prepare or they won't have time to prepare it.

I have been wondering what has happened to family eating habits and why it has happened — so I decided to read some of the scholarly literature on the subject to see if I could find any clues.

I found a few — but not enough to satisfy me.

So I have to rely on my own thoughts, sprinkled with data. This will be the subject of a series of posts on children, their food choices, meal preparation, and how to handle all of it.

To start with, I think that parenting practices started to change a lot during the 1950's and 60's with the advent of more child-centered parenting. Dr. Benjamin Spock and his famous book, Baby and Childcare, got this started — partly because of what he said, but also just because he said it. Suddenly parents wanted to hear from an expert about how to raise their children.
Mothers, in particular, began to raise their children according to what they learned rather than according to what their own mothers had done with them.

Dr. Spock was a Yale and Columbia-trained pediatrician who also had training in psychoanalysis. His book was said to have sold so many copies that it was second in sales only to the Bible.

He had been raised by an authoritarian father and, no doubt, at least partially as a result of his own experience, he advocated treating children as individuals, hugging them often, and telling them they were special. He wanted parents to be flexible and, for example, he suggested that mothers who wanted to potty train their toddlers at eighteen months (typical at the time) hold off a little until the toddler was more ready.

All of this was new.

Prior to this, parenting had usually been quite rule-based and authoritarian, and children's thoughts and feelings were not generally taken into account.

Dr. Spock was the beginning of child-centered parenting.

And this philosophy has grown and grown until we reach the present moment where we have "gentle parenting" and all that goes with it — including, in many cases, very few rules and limits.

And I think we have gone too far.

And this includes at the dinner table.

Too many choices are not good for young children. In fact, children feel safer when there are rules and limits and they know what they are. This has been proven by the studies on authoritarian versus authoritative parenting (Baumrind et al, 1967, 1981, 1989; Steinberg, 1989, 1991; Lamborn, 1991, etc.)

Children need to know what their parents expect of them and they need to know what the consequences are if they do not do as their parents expect.

This does not mean that they like the rules and limits. Often they do not. Often they yell and scream and throw a tantrum when limits are set. But crying and tantrums do not necessarily indicate that you have done something wrong with your child. Children need limits and rules to push back against, to rebel against, to hate. These rules and limits eventually get adopted into their own consciences and develop into an ability to self-regulate — if these same children get help along the way in calming down when they are upset about the limits and if they get help talking about their feelings about the limits.

But how does this apply to the dinner table?

Well, perhaps we have given children too much choice. When we say "What do you want for dinner" or "Do you want McDonalds or pizza?" of course they aren't going to say, "No, I want chicken and rice with a side of peas".

Studies over the past decade have shown that there are other issues as well. For example, snacking between meals on calorie-dense foods high in salt, sugar, and fat has become much more common. Children snack more and gain more calories from snacking than they have in the past.

Parenting Essential Reads

Rules, Autonomy, and Love: The 3 Parenting Basics

9 Red Flags Your Adult Child May Be Struggling

And they may not actually be that hungry at dinner as a result.

And why is this?

Studies (St-Onge et al, 2003) suggest that there have been extensive social, political, and environmental changes over these last several decades: more families have two working parents and thus there is less person-power for shopping and meal preparation, many families live in areas where healthy food is scarce, and many families cannot afford the healthy food that is available. Fast food outlets are also increasingly available with longer operating hours, more convenient locations, and delivery options. Grocery stores now sell fast foods (Lunchables, frozen pizza, etc) and children exposed to fast foods and highly processed snack options (on the media they watch, at school, and when they are with peers) are highly vulnerable to their appeal and popularity. Moreover, parents play a part, even when they are doing their best to help children to eat healthily.

There is a great deal of evidence regarding interactions between parenting and the diet and weight status of children. Evidently, both parenting style and parenting practices affect eating patterns. For example, parental attempts to control what a child eats by promoting healthy food, usually fruit and vegetables, and restricting access to sweets and fatty snacks in addition to using food as a reward are all associated with negative outcomes. Parental restriction of amounts and types of food is strongly correlated with children eating more unhealthy foods and with higher BMI.

So, what is a parent to do?

Clearly, pushing healthy foods and trying to control and restrict all consumption of more "fun" foods is not the way to go. Research shows that the best thing parents can do is to present a large variety of foods from infancy on and to model eating a large variety of foods — including fruits, vegetables, a variety of protein sources, and some fun foods.

Limiting snacking between meals to one snack between breakfast and lunch and one snack between lunch and dinner has also been found to be best once the child is old enough to eat just three meals a day.

It has also been found that providing snacks that are not composed of nutrient-dense, high-calorie ingredients is best. So this means that those big brownies and cookies from Starbucks are definitely not the best snacks to offer on a regular basis. Try providing yogurt and fruit, some peanut butter on pretzels or apple slices, some raisins or a couple of small cookies, or a glass of milk and some fruit slices, and see how it goes.

Ice cream? Cake? Sure — every once in a while for a treat. But just remember, once you offer it, your child may ask for it more and more frequently...and it may be hard to go back to the less glamorous snacks.