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Key points
- Research shows that about 70 percent of clients don't disclose an important emotional event to their therapist
- Being brave in therapy doesn't start and end at the first appointment. It is about consistently showing up.
- Bravery requires trying new things and letting feelings come.
Dear Brave Reader,
Mental health advocates often encourage people to "reach out" when struggling. Asking for help, talking with a professional, and making changes in your life are really brave. But what comes after that first step?
Here are five ways to conquer therapy bravely once you've made that first appointment.
1. Say what you don't want to.
Research shows that about 70 percent of clients didn't disclose an important emotional event to their therapist. It's understandable. Some, especially people from marginalized communities, have experienced real harm at the hands of medical professionals. And many of us feel intense shame about our feelings, background, trauma, and general mental health. So why disclose?
But shame thrives in darkness and silence. The more we withhold and internalize pain, the more we suffer. The salve to shame is genuine, compassionate human connection. Research supports this. In 2009, a study by Kelly and Yuan showed that clients who were open with their therapists had a significantly better working relationship than those who kept a relevant secret from them. Therapists also noticed that secret-keeping negatively impacted the relationship, even though they didn't know clients were keeping a secret.
Saying that embarrassing thing out loud could lessen your shame. Feelings like guilt, shame, regret, and disgust can soften when met with safe and non-judgmental curiosity. And there's no better place to do that than in the therapy room.
2. Let the feelings come.
Probably the hardest psychological concept to learn is how to lean into your feelings. Some feelings are extremely unpleasant, so most people try and avoid them at all costs. But that's a mistake.
Feelings communicate important information. They tell us about our preferences, values, and needs, and mobilize us for action. Emotions also serve an important evolutionary function–to connect us to others through our shared humanity. If that doesn't motivate you enough to open yourself up to feelings, you should also know that by "not feeling," you are prolonging your stress response.
In his book Reducing Secondary Traumatic Stress, Brian C. Miller notes that human stress responses are meant to be brief events, but we make the stress response last longer by trying to avoid feelings. If we open ourselves to the feeling completely while it's happening, our body can metabolize the chemicals associated with the stress response, which eventually quiets. When we avoid feelings or continue to ruminate on events, we relive the stress over and over again.
Feelings are temporary. They will come and go. The trick is to allow them to fully metabolize and come to fruition, so you can later move on. Allowing feelings to come as they will–without shaming yourself or trying to avoid them–is incredibly brave and strong.
3. Try something, even if you don't think it will work.
Therapists must artfully balance client preferences with the science of what works. As a client, you are the expert on yourself. But sometimes, trying something new is a scary necessity to help you reach your goals.
Try not to discount new techniques right away. Even if you don't think it will work, give it a go.
Please note that this advice does not apply if you think something will actively harm you, is not aligned with your treatment goals, or you don't feel ready for it yet. Talk with your medical/therapy team to assess the benefits and drawbacks of trying something new.
Ultimately, you are the agent of change in your life. At the same time, trying something new is a way to forge forward bravely.
4. Break up with your therapist.
The therapy relationship is one of the most vital therapy ingredients. Cumulative research demonstrates that the therapeutic alliance can be partly responsible for helping you feel better. Sometimes, however, you don't click with your therapist. They don't use the modality you want to try, or they say things that invalidate you or don't fit your experience. In those cases, it may be time to work with someone else.
Instead of ghosting your therapist, tell your therapist that you'd like to try something new, even when that means getting a new therapist.
5. Keep going, even when you don't want to.
Psychotherapy dropout rates are high; on average, people attend fewer than five therapy sessions before stopping, but most require 8-to-26 sessions before they start to feel better. That means most people stop their process before therapy has a chance to work.
This isn't to say that you should muddle through with a therapist who isn't a good fit or a modality you don't like. Instead, it means not giving up on your healing process, whatever that looks like. It can be therapy, but it doesn't have to be. Find a new therapist. Try a different modality. Join a therapy group or a support group. Complete a workbook. Journal. Whatever you do, just keep going in the direction of your self-actualization.
Summary
Being brave in therapy doesn't start and end at the first appointment. It is about consistently showing up and shining a light on what's hard. It's challenging yourself to move through difficulty. To stretch your limits and understand yourself, your needs, and your values. To be and to become.
Keep going.
Signed,
A Therapist
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