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1. What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
2. Two psychotherapists pass each other in the hallway. The first says to the second, "Hello!"
The second smiles back nervously and half nods his head. When he is comfortably out of earshot, he mumbles, "God, I wonder what *that* was all about?"
3. Two behaviorists meet each other in the street. "Hi," says one, "How am I feeling today?"
Some time later, they have sex. The other one says, "That was good for you. How was it for me?"
4. How many narcissists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. All he has to do is hold it in place while the world revolves around him.
5. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the light bulb *wants* to change.
6. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but it'll need nine more sessions.
7. How many psychotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, how many do you think it takes?
8. "Doctor, I feel as though nobody understands me."
"What do you mean by that?"
9. "Doctor, I feel like such a failure."
"Anyone who can pay my fees is certainly not a failure."
10. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.
11. What's the difference between a loan and a psychologist?
The loan eventually matures and earns money.
12. What's the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say, "I hate my mother", a psychiatrist will ask, "Why do you say that?", whereas a psychologist will say, "Thank you for sharing that with me."
13. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
14. Pavlov's dog to his ladyfriend: "See that! Everytime I salivate, Pavlov smiles and scribbles something in his notebook."
15. Johnny paid his way through college by waitering in a restaurant.
"What's the usual tip?" asked a customer.
"Well," said Johnny, "this is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I'd be doing great."
"Is that so?" growled the customer. "In that case, here's twenty dollars."
"Thanks. I'll put it in my college fund," Johnny replied.
"By the way, what are you studying?" asked the customer.
"Applied psychology."
16. A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.
As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed,
"My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"
17. A psychotherapist returned from a conference in the Rocky mountains, where the delegates spent more time on the icy ski slopes than attending lectures and seminars.
When she got back, her husband asked her, "So, how did it go?"
"Fine," she replied, "but I've never seen so many Freudians slip."
18. Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for men than for women?
Because when it comes to going back to childhood, men are already there.
19. Receptionist to psychologist: "Doctor, there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
20. At a job interview for a new receptionist:
"I see you used to be employed by a psychotherapist. Why did you leave?"
"Well, I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile; if I was early, I was anxious; and if I was on time, I was obsessional."
21. "After 12 years of therapy, my psychotherapist said something that brought tears to my eyes."
"What did he say?"
""No hablo inglés.""
Neel Burton is author of the Ataraxia series.
