When Your Own Culture Says That You Don't Fully Belong

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For personal and work reasons, I have spent considerable amount of time in the last couple of years visiting my motherland, South Korea. Even though I stopped living in Korea when I was 10 years old, and the Pacific Northwest region of the United States is my current home, I feel a sense of psychological belonging and safety whenever I walk the bustling streets of Seoul. I feel emotionally connected to the sea of black hair (or black hair dyed as another color) around me. Korea feels like my country, even though on paper it is not. When I see the overpriced hats in touristy areas that say “foreigner” (외국인) in bold letters, I think to myself, that’s not for me; that’s for the real foreigners.

But occasionally, there are moments that jolt me back to reality. Instances of rejection. Actions that invalidate my identity as Korean. Statements that insult my complicated but real identity as a Korean American. Thankfully, these moments have been few and far between; but when they do happen, they land differently on my psyche.

Today was one of those days when I felt the sting of rejection in Korea. I entered a store to purchase some gifts for my daughters and chatted with a store worker. When I used Konglish – mix of English and Korean – to explain what I was looking for, the worker laughed and proceeded to mock my speech. I froze, and then unconvincingly laughed it off.

As a person of color who studies the psychological aspects of contemporary racism in the U.S., I am constantly on guard when I am in public in America. Are you going to question the "American" part of my identity? I will proudly tell you that Seattle is my home and not qualify my response. Are you going to insult the distinctiveness of Korean culture by homogenizing East Asian cultures? I will gladly point out the erroneous ways of your generalization.

But when I experience similar insults and invalidations while in Korea, I find myself unable to respond.

For those of you who (a) describe yourself as a(n) _________ American due to the immigration history of your family, and (b) have spent some time in your culture of origin to reconnect with your roots, you might have had similar experiences of feeling shocked or discouraged by interpersonal interactions in your culture of origin that destabilized your sense of belongingness.

When these moments of rejection from your own culture occur, how do you respond?

Below, I propose some ways to respond in a psychologically healthy manner, with the hope that one or more of these will be beneficial for your experiences:

• Clearly name the sad reality that rejections based on social identities can and do occur anywhere in the world, although they manifest differently depending on the cultural context.
• Embrace the complexity of a(n) __________ American identity. And all the other intersectional identities that come with it. There is richness in your cultural experiences. There are things to be celebrated. But there are also losses to be grieved. I grieve, for example, the reality that sometimes my grasp of the Korean language and cultural norms is not as fluent as someone who grew up in Korea. To be clear, this "grieving the loss" is not a justification of mistreatment; instead, it is a posture of self-acceptance.
• Speaking of grief – it’s okay to be sad (or any other emotional state) about rejection. It’s normal that the psychological sting of rejection lands differently when it is perpetuated by ingroup members. Practice self-compassion and permit yourself to fully feel sadness, anger, or any other feelings whenever you experience invalidations or insults.
• Be intentional about how you might respond to insulting statements or actions from others. What would you like to achieve in the interaction? Derald Wing Sue and colleagues (2019) outlined the importance of keeping in mind goals when thinking about how to respond to racial microaggressions in the U.S. context; similarly, prioritize what you might want to achieve when you are treated unfairly, and act accordingly. In the example that I gave earlier, I quickly realized that a reasonable goal was to remove myself from the situation, and I did just that. But there might be situations where other goals might be elevated (e.g., confronting a person about the hurtfulness of their statement or action).
• Seek out support. Lean on other people who have shared cultural experiences with you. Find ways to vent about your experiences. Seek practical advice on how to cope with the pain of rejection from ingroup members.
• Let your experiences fuel solidarity with the experiences of other minoritized groups. Because of the few negative interpersonal experiences that I have had in Korea based on my Korean American background, at least in part, I can empathize with the experiences of foreigners in Korea. My experiences have afforded me increased motivation to learn more about and advocate on behalf of immigrants and sojourners in Korea.