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Key points
- How to handle romantic feelings for your therapist.
- Why many therapists may not answer personal questions about themselves.
- When it’s okay to text your therapist—and when it’s not.
As you’re finishing up your therapy session, you ask your therapist where they’re heading on vacation next week.
“I wonder why you’re asking me that question,” the therapist responds, turning the question around on you.
“Why wouldn’t they just answer a simple question?” you wonder.
The reason likely has to do with the code of conduct to which therapists adhere. Each state has its own code of ethics, and each therapist makes their own decisions on where to draw boundaries, what’s ethical, and what crosses a line. The results may sometimes surprise you. But these codes of conduct exist for a reason, to keep the client safe and make sure treatment is as effective as it can be. Here’s how to navigate some of the most common circumstances.
Potential Grey Zones
Communicating outside of sessions: Some therapists are more comfortable talking between sessions than others, but for most, it’s important to draw a line somewhere. Some therapists allow their clients to text them. While it’s probably fine to text your therapist that you’re running late for the appointment, it might not be fine to text them late at night when you’re feeling upset.
“Texting a patient at midnight is not therapy,” says David Ley, a therapist in private practice who, for many years, was a member of the New Mexico Board of Psychologist Examiners. “The work of therapy happens in therapy. The problem that we have with therapists approaching the work with a savior role is that they let the need to help that patient in the moment take priority and forget that their job is to help the patient in therapy.”
The problem with communicating outside the office, he says, is that although it can soothe a patient immediately, it doesn’t help them build the skills to handle challenging situations on their own, which is ultimately the goal of treatment.
Additionally, therapists can become burned out if they’re talking to clients around the clock and pull back, potentially leaving clients feeling as though they were rejected or abandoned by their caregivers.
When starting out with a new therapist, it may be constructive to ask them about communicating outside of therapy and establish boundaries for what’s okay and what’s not.
Excessive self-disclosure: If your therapist is talking more than you are, it might well be an issue. Therapy is supposed to be for the benefit of the client, exclusively. While therapists are human beings themselves, talking about their own lives or thoughts too much could be a red flag that the focus of sessions is off-kilter. In the field of psychology, such self-disclosure is called “counter-transference,” which is when a therapist brings their own emotions into the course of treatment.
“I experienced early parental loss,” says Grant Brenner, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst in New York. “My mother died when I was nine. It was really bad and shaped the rest of my life. When I work with patients with a similar loss, I don’t tell patients in the first session, ‘Hey, this happened to me, too.’ It might make me feel good to share, but when there’s excessive self-disclosure you’d wonder if the therapist is bringing their own issues to session. Since I had an early maternal loss, I might be either too ready to let people go because I don’t want to be abandoned after forming a strong therapeutic bond, or too clingy because I don’t want to feel abandoned.”
Brenner says he also, in fact, wouldn’t directly answer a client’s questions about where he’s going on vacation to avoid the risk of excessive self-disclosure, and would instead ask the client why they're interested (though it’s Utah, if you’re wondering).
It’s unrealistic for a therapist never to share anything about themselves in any form, however, and even Brenner explains that he will talk about his own experience at times if he thinks it will help the patient.
“With some people, I may bring it up if the benefit is worth the risk. In my best clinical judgment I might share selective information about myself,” he says. “It’s easy to have a rule that says you never share anything about yourself other than what’s impossible not to share, but it’s not so clear-cut in practice.”
Red Flags and Boundary Breakers
Intimate Relationships: The cardinal sin among therapists is to begin a relationship with a patient outside the walls of the office. There’s an inherent power balance between you and your therapist. They know all about you while you know little about them. More, entering into a romantic relationship, or even friendship, outside therapy could undermine the goals of treatment, distorting the trust you have with the clinician.
That’s not to say it’s abnormal for people to have feelings for their therapists. It’s a much more common occurrence than you might think, according to several therapists consulted for this article.
“I think for a client, particularly a woman, to be listened to, paid attention to, have their feelings validated, that can become very attractive,” says Josh Gressel, a therapist in private practice in the San Francisco Bay area.
Having feelings for your therapist does not necessarily mean you should find a new one. If you find it’s becoming a hindrance to your treatment, that’s a problem, but a first step could be simply discussing your feelings with your clinician.
“I remember there was one client whom I asked, ’Is there anything you’re not telling me I should be aware of?’ and she said, ‘Yes, I have feelings for you.’” Gressel recounts. “I was totally floored. But it became a central focus of the work.”
Such feelings may be an insight into why you’re in therapy in the first place. Talking about the feelings could be an entry point into many other concerns.
Setting unrealistic expectations: If a therapist is promising a quick fix, or some simple steps that will solve all your problems, they are likely overselling their abilities. While therapy can help improve a patient’s life, it often takes time and hard work. Establishing what you can expect and how it will be achieved is called “informed consent,” and it’s a cornerstone of ethics in counseling.
“Providing a proper understanding of expectations and explaining the modality (the type of therapy) the therapist is using, and if it’s evidence-based and suited to a client’s condition is an ethical practice,” says Marina Heifetz, a psychologist who works with children and adolescents in Ontario, Canada. “Make sure the patient is able to ask what the limitations are and what the therapist’s qualifications are to provide care for their condition. That’s providing responsible care.”
If you feel your therapist isn’t delivering what was promised, it’s okay to ask them about it. Doing so may allow them to step back and reassess the treatment, and make adjustments if necessary.
What You Can Do
Actively communicating with your therapist if you feel uneasy at any point is the first step to feeling comfortable in therapy. The therapist will likely want to understand more and may adjust their treatment accordingly. In some cases, they may not be the right fit, but can refer you to someone who may be. And you can always change therapists. Although it can be frustrating to get into a rapport with someone only to leave and start the process over again, if red flags arise and are not managed, it may be a better option to see someone else.
Every rule in therapy depends, in part, on the context of the situation. What might be inappropriate behavior with a new client may be more acceptable if you and your therapist have a years-long relationship. But ethics in counseling exist for a reason: therapy should be or the benefit of the client.
To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
