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Self-Esteem
Empower Yourself With No More "Shoulds"
Raise your self-esteem by doing what you want to do, not what you “should” do.
Posted March 21, 2024 Reviewed by Michelle Quirk
Key points
- By learning to recognize “shoulds,” we can begin to help ourselves by questioning them.
- Inner dialogue can help us to focus on what we really want to do rather than what we “should” do.
- Use compassionate self-awareness to overcome the “tyranny of the shoulds” and be empowered.
The word “should” does a lot of unintended damage. Every time you say it to yourself, you are sending the message that you are doing something wrong (or not doing enough), and maybe even that you are the problem. But recognizing when you use this word and how it affects you can be the beginning of strengthening your self-esteem and feeling more empowered.
The basic problem with “should” is that no one likes to be told that they “should” be doing something. At best, it is a benevolent urging to prompt you to take constructive action. For instance, you might advise yourself, “I really should get more exercise.” It may not feel harsh, but, alone, it is unlikely to motivate you. At the other extreme, it can feel like an attack on your very being—as in, “I should get my lazy butt off that couch and get moving!” Statements like this can undermine your self-esteem and send you on a downward spiral. This is all true whether the “should” is coming from yourself or someone else.
Those of us who often struggle with “should” tend to feel inadequate and expect to be judged similarly by others. This way of being can reinforce a negative sense of ourselves and undermine our relationships. It was aptly named by physician and psychoanalyst Karen Horney in the 1950s as the “tyranny of the shoulds.” As she pointed out, we often vacillate between hating our flawed selves and trying to (or pretending to) live up to some unachievable ideal. Only when we can become self-aware and more accepting of ourselves can we escape the shoulds, live up to our greater potential, and enjoy a greater sense of well-being.
Escaping the Tyranny of the "Shoulds"
If you struggle with shoulds prodding you unhappily along with steady demands for you to do better and be better, then you may want to learn how to escape their grasp. You can do this by learning to stop focusing on imposed expectations and, instead, to attend respectfully to your inner experience. Then, you can decide on a goal you really want. And, finally, you can decide whether that goal is viable and how you might make it happen.
You can make this shift by first paying attention to when the “shoulds” pop up. Respond to them with “How come?” If this question leads you to focusing on others, be sure to refocus on your experience. Eventually, with understanding yourself better, you will actually feel more motivated to act in your own best interests. It’s all about the self-talk and inner dialogue. A common, simple example would be you thinking, I should exercise regularly.
Questioning self: How come?
Answering self: Because I could shed some pounds, feel better, and be healthier.
Questioning self: And exercise can help you with this?
Answering self: Yes. I know this is true because I’ve had a regular exercise routine before and it made me feel so much better, along with helping me lose weight. So, I really want to start an exercise routine.
Notice that you are now motivated to exercise: No shoulds. No guilt. No shame.
Your situation might be more complicated, as was the situation for Jane, a former patient of mine. She had a difficult childhood with a mother who was a bit like a porcupine with a grudge—always poking her with criticisms. So let’s take a look at what her inner dialogue might have looked like. Jane would have started with, I should feel more love toward my mother.
Questioning self: How come?
Answering self: Because she is my mother.
Questioning self: So, all daughters should love their mothers no matter what the mothers have done to them?
Answering self: Well, no… but I feel like I should…
Questioning self: In thinking about other people, do you think mothers need to nurture a loving relationship with their daughters for their daughters to feel love?
Answering self: Well, yes, I think so… I know the way my mother has treated me creates distance in our relationship, and I’m sad about that. I wish our relationship could be different.
Again, notice how this dialogue has led to the issue no longer being about guilt and shame. Jane must learn to accept sadness, but not that there is something wrong with her.
Another way to help yourself feel better about you is to practice focusing on your positive traits, as I guide you toward in this brief video:
Moving Forward to a More Empowered Life
It’s not easy to shift from thinking you “should” do things to focusing on what you want to do. And even when you can, you often must still make difficult decisions and face challenging situations. But what does get better—much better—is how you feel about you and how you show up in the world. With caring, compassionate self-awareness, you will no longer feel victimized by “should.” Instead, you will have greater self-esteem, feel more empowered, and create a way of being that encourages you to pursue what you want.
