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Key points
- Patience is a skill we can cultivate with some consistent practice.
- If kids sense that we’re often impatient with them, they might start feeling insecure or doubting themselves.
- If kids regularly witness impatience and frustration, they might start acting out in similar ways.
Do you ever feel that twinge of guilt when you lose patience with your kids even though you know they’re just being kids? If you’ve been there, you’re not alone. As working moms, we’re navigating a whirlwind of responsibilities—juggling work, home, and the emotional needs of our families. It’s a balancing act that often leaves us feeling exhilarated, exhausted, and, yes, sometimes short on patience.
We’ve all had those moments we wish we could just delete. You know, when you snap at your kids over something trivial, only to realize later that they didn’t really deserve it. Maybe you were overtired, stressed out, or just plain hungry (off carbs again?). Once we start down that path, it’s hard to stop, and instead of calming down, we sometimes dig in, justifying our frustration even as we feel terrible inside. Sound familiar?
As a working mom myself, I’ve been there, more times than I’d like to admit. So, why do we lose our cool, even though we know how much it affects our kids, our relationships with them, and our feelings about ourselves as parents?
Here’s the thing: Balancing a career and motherhood is hard, and patience often feels like the first casualty. But when we make it a priority, patience is a skill we can cultivate with some consistent practice.
Why Do We Find It So Difficult to Keep Our Cool With Our Kids?
1. Overwhelming Workload: Let’s face it, our to-do lists never seem to end. After a day full of meetings and deadlines, the sight of a pile of laundry and homework can be the last straw. We’re trying to be perfect at work and at home, and that kind of pressure is exhausting.
2. Lack of Self-Care: How many times have you skipped a meal, missed a workout, or stayed up late just to get everything done? When we neglect ourselves, we’re more likely to feel burnt out and irritable. And when we’re running on empty, even the smallest things can set us off.
I remember one evening when I was racing against the clock to finish a project for work. I hadn’t eaten since lunch, and I was running on pure adrenaline. My kids were just being kids—laughing, playing, and asking for my attention—but I snapped. I yelled at them to quiet down, and the look on their faces broke my heart. It wasn’t their fault; I was just exhausted. That moment made me realize how important it is to take care of myself if I want to take care of them.
3. Unrealistic Expectations: Society has a way of making us feel like we have to do it all—attend every school event, bake those Pinterest-perfect cookies, and still be perfect at work. When we fall short, it’s easy to get frustrated and impatient, especially with our kids.
We often set these high standards for ourselves, believing that we need to excel in every area of life. But perfection is an impossible goal, and the pressure we put on ourselves can make us less patient and more prone to snapping at our kids. The truth is, it's OK to let go of the idea of being the "perfect" mom. What our kids need most is our love, understanding, and attention—not an exhausted, stressed-out mother.
The Impact of Impatience on Our Kids
Our children see the world with fresh eyes, full of curiosity and wonder. They’re still learning about emotions, rules, and how things work. This gap between our expectations and their reality can be frustrating—for both of us.
Plus, with everything we’re juggling, it’s no wonder we feel worn out. When we’re tired, overwhelmed, and ignoring our need for space and adult time, patience is in short supply. But it’s important to remember that our kids aren’t trying to be difficult—they’re just doing what kids do...they're learning.
Impatience doesn’t only affect parents; it impacts our kids, too. Here’s how:
Emotional Insecurity: If kids sense that we’re often impatient with them, they might start feeling insecure or doubting themselves. They could become overly cautious or, on the flip side, unmotivated to try new things.
Imagine your child coming to you with a problem, but instead of listening, you cut them off because you’re in the middle of doing something else. They might start to feel like their concerns aren’t important or that they can’t turn to you for help, which can impact their confidence and emotional development.
Behavioral Issues: Kids mirror what they see. If they regularly witness impatience and frustration, they might start acting out in similar ways. I often think to myself that I wished they’d mimic our responsible behavior instead of those moments we wish had never happened, right?
Think about how often your kids have picked up on your mood. If you’re stressed or impatient, they might start to reflect that same energy. Over time, this can lead to more frequent tantrums, defiance, or withdrawal. It’s a reminder that our emotional state directly influences theirs.
Communication Concerns: When we are often impatient, it can make it harder for our kids to open up. If they feel like we’re too busy or irritable to listen, they might withdraw and stop sharing their thoughts and feelings.
Over time, this can create a communication barrier between you and your child. They may stop coming to you with their problems, choosing instead to keep their feelings to themselves or, worse, act out in disturbing ways. This can lead to painful misunderstandings, something none of us want as parents.
Cultivating Patience: Strategies to Keep Our Cool
So, what can we do to keep our cool with our kids?
In my SuperMom GPS Parenting program I teach moms to use a color-coded system based on the traffic light—green for love, red for authority, and yellow for trust. It’s simple, but it works. Here are some ways to apply it:
Green/Love/Go: Try to practice active listening and empathy. Sometimes, just hearing your child out without jumping in to solve the problem is all they need. When you create a calm-down space where you and your child can take a breather during tense moments, you will see an immediate reduction in tantrums or arguments.
Pro Tip: Set aside specific times each day for quality time with your kids, even if it’s just 10 to 15 minutes. During this time, put away your phone (yeah, I know that isn't easy) and focus solely on them. This not only strengthens your relationship with your children but also teaches them that they are a priority in your life.
Red/Authority/No: It's important to set clear expectations and consistent consequences. It’s crucial that everyone knows the rules, especially during more relaxed times like summer or holidays. And don’t forget to give yourself credit when you manage to stay calm!
Practical Tip: When setting rules, it's important to involve your kids in the process. This helps them feel a sense of control and makes them more likely to follow the rules. Consistency is key—because, as we know, kids thrive on knowing what to expect.
Yellow/Trust/Slow: As moms, we are always on camera. It's crucial to model self-care and stress management. Take deep breaths or step away for a moment to calm down. Teach your kids these techniques, too—ask them what they can do instead of acting out and encourage them to express their emotions in healthy ways.
Take a Moment: Incorporate small mindfulness practices into your daily routine. This could be as simple as taking a few deep breaths before responding to a stressful situation or practicing gratitude at the end of the day. These moments of calm can make a big difference in how you respond to challenges.
Next time you feel your patience slipping, try to see the world through your child’s eyes. Patience isn’t about being perfect; it’s about making small, consistent efforts to respond to your children with love and understanding, even (or especially!) during those very frustrating moments.
Every step in that direction is a win—for your kids and for you.
