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Key points
- Understanding why your adult child might be so angry can be a difficult and painful process.
- An adult child's anger is often not a random emotion but a response to deeper issues.
- To address this anger, use empathy and have a willingness to empathize.
Understanding why your adult child might be so angry can be a difficult and painful process. It’s a common struggle for many parents, as the dynamic between parent and child often shifts dramatically as children grow into adults. Based on my experience of coaching parents of angry adult children, this anger can stem from various sources, and it's essential to explore these possible causes to help mend the relationship.
Scenario 1: The Weight of Unmet Expectations
Consider the story of Lisa and her daughter, Emma. Lisa always had high hopes for Emma, encouraging her to pursue a career in medicine. Emma, however, had a passion for the arts. Emma felt pressured to conform to her mother’s expectations throughout her childhood. Although she initially tried to please Lisa by pursuing a degree in biology, she eventually dropped out to focus on her true passion—painting.
Emma’s anger toward Lisa stems from years of feeling misunderstood and unsupported. Whenever Lisa asked about her career or offered unsolicited advice about returning to school, Emma’s frustration boiled over. She felt her mother was still trying to control her life and disregarding her dreams. Emma’s anger is a defense mechanism to protect her self-worth and independence.
For Lisa, understanding the source of Emma’s anger requires a shift in perspective. She must recognize that her well-meaning advice might be perceived as criticism and control. By acknowledging Emma’s feelings and supporting her choices, even if they differ from what Lisa envisioned, she can start to rebuild their relationship.
Scenario 2: The Lingering Impact of Childhood Trauma
James grew up in a home where his father, Robert, was emotionally distant and often critical. Robert believed in tough love, thinking that pushing James to be solid and self-reliant would prepare him for the challenges of adulthood. However, this approach left James feeling unloved and inadequate. As a child, he internalized his father’s harsh words, and these unresolved emotions carried him into adulthood.
As an adult, James often lashed out at his father. Robert, confused by James’s anger, doesn’t understand that his son’s rage is rooted in the emotional wounds of the past. James never felt he could express his true feelings to his father, and the suppressed hurt and resentment have turned into anger.
Based on my research for my book, 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, parents in similar situations to Robert and James must acknowledge the emotional pain their adult child experienced growing up. This might involve difficult conversations in which Robert listens without defensiveness and validates James’s feelings. James’s anger is not just about past experiences but also about a longing for a deeper emotional connection with his father.
Scenario 3: The Strain of Unresolved Conflicts
Laura and her son, David, have always had a close relationship, but things started to change when David married. Laura doesn’t get along with David’s wife, Sarah, and this tension creates a rift between the mother and son. Over time, minor disagreements turned into heated arguments, with David often feeling like he had to choose between his mother and wife.
David’s anger toward Laura is fueled by loyalty to his wife and frustration over the ongoing conflict. He feels torn and resents his strained relationship with his mother. For Laura, David’s anger is perplexing; she believes she’s only trying to maintain her relationship with her son. However, she doesn’t realize that her actions are perceived as overstepping boundaries and creating stress for David.
To resolve this, Laura must respect David’s boundaries and try to improve her relationship with Sarah. This might involve stepping back and allowing David and Sarah to navigate their marriage without interference. By doing so, Laura can show that she respects David’s choices, which may help to ease the tension and reduce his anger.
Conclusion: The Path to Healing
In each of these scenarios, the adult child's anger is not just a random emotion but a response to deeper issues, such as unmet expectations, unresolved childhood trauma, or ongoing conflicts. For parents, the key to understanding and addressing this anger lies in empathy, open communication, and a willingness to see things from their child’s perspective. Doing so makes it possible to rebuild trust, heal old wounds, and restore the parent-child relationship.
