Are You Giving Too Much in a Relationship?

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A healthy relationship is balanced, mutual, and reciprocal. When you give more than the other person, you may leave feeling exhausted and depleted. As a result, you don’t replenish your energy through self-care or other relationships.

Worse yet, you begin harboring resentment. Resentment is hardened anger that can result from having your emotional, time, financial, or sexual boundaries repeatedly crossed. The good news is you can take your power back when you feel you are giving too much in a relationship.

5 Tips for Pulling Back When You Are Giving Too Much

1. Set time boundaries. Respond only when and how often works for you. You can control the pace of your interactions if you don’t let the other person manipulate you with guilt. For example, if you are on a phone call with them, start out by setting a time boundary, such as, “I have only 10 minutes to talk,” and stick to that.

2. Set financial boundaries and take fiscal responsibility for yourself. Financial responsibility is important because it impacts your life today and your future. Making the right decisions concerning your money can help you live a more comfortable life down the road. Prioritize your own financial health and give to others only in ways that fit within your budget and financial plan. As a couple, you’ll want to gauge your financial compatibility within the relationship. Finances are one of the top issues couples address in couples therapy and a major reason why they get divorced.

Be mindful of excessive gift-giving or treating the other person too often. Make sure the way you give feels comfortable and good to you. Be very thoughtful and wary of giving loans. You can set financial boundaries by saying, “I’m sorry, I am not able to help at this time,” or “I am sorry, that doesn’t fit in my budget,” or “I’m sorry, my financial advisor won’t allow me to do that.”

3. Prioritize your own wellness. Ensure that you take care of yourself first before giving to the other person. This isn’t selfish; it’s essential. Just as you have to secure your own oxygen mask on an airplane before assisting others in the case of an emergency, you need to do the same in life. It’s time to start caring for yourself the way you would care for somebody you love very much—emotionally, physically, and financially. Demonstrate love for yourself in your thoughts, actions, and choices. All of this leads to higher self-worth and confidence.

4. Learn to say no. It’s easy to struggle with feeling guilty when you don’t meet the needs of others, but saying no can free you of resentment. It can also stop you from enabling the other person, which will encourage them to take more responsibility for themselves and grow. You have a responsibility to yourself first.

Resist the urge to overschedule or say yes to everything. Learn to say no to what doesn’t align with your values and goals or will cause you to be overly busy. Schedule time for self-care, breaks between activities, and transitions between work and home.

Self-care has its benefits. You can measure your self-care to see how you are doing. Not only does a recent study show that it improves well-being, but it reduces morbidity, mortality, and healthcare costs, too. Have realistic expectations and build in some cushion time when planning out projects.

5. Avoid over-functioning or overdoing. Recognize when you feel pulled to take responsibility for the other person (by offering unsolicited advice, doing things for them, or feeling like it’s your job to make sure they are okay). These tendencies aren’t good for you or the other person.

Weed Out Toxic Relationships

We have all had toxic relationships. They may have been with friends, family members, partners, neighbors, colleagues, or bosses. These relationships deplete your energy, infuse negativity, bring unnecessary drama or conflict to your life, and trigger feelings of low self-esteem, insecurity, resentment, frustration, or irritability. I like the expression, “Relationships are like elevator buttons; they either bring you up or bring you down.” Freeing yourself from toxic relationships creates space to establish and nurture vital positive relationships.

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You have the power to stop giving too much in a relationship and determine whether it’s time to let go of toxic relationships or attempt to repair them. By setting boundaries, you can eliminate relationships that fuel you with resentment, which can be all-consuming.

Take Responsibility for Your Own Stuff

Relationships are the key to success in life. You need strong relationships to support your success, both personally and professionally. You need to take responsibility for your own stuff to strengthen your relationships. This requires taking ownership of the challenging aspects of your personality and owning when you don’t manage your emotions well or make mistakes and poor choices. Doing so can facilitate trust and help resolve conflict or even prevent it.

Blaming somebody for your unhappiness or lack of financial success gives them power and control over your happiness. Taking responsibility for what is within your control by practicing forgiveness allows you to emancipate yourself from suffering. Over a decade of research supports the benefits of forgiveness in helping people resolve anger over betrayals, relieve depression and anxiety, and restore peace of mind. Embrace the idea that you have the power to do what you need to do to not give too much in a relationship.