Why People Ghost and How It Makes Them Feel

We can all agree that receiving the silent treatment can be extremely painful. It leaves no space for discussing what the problem is and leaves those receiving the silent treatment distressed and feeling punished. In recent years, a new term—ghosting—has been used to describe the process of being cut off abruptly and without explanation by others. This can happen not only in dating situations but also between friends and family members. Because this happens so frequently and leads so many to feel the pain that rejection and ambiguity inevitably cause, researchers are trying to understand the process more thoroughly.

In a recent study conducted by Wu and Bamishigbin (2023), the interviews of 34 undergraduates who had ghosted others were analyzed. From this group, 68% of participants identified as female while 32% identified as male. Additionally, 65% of the participants identified as Latinx, 15% as Asian/American, 12% as African American, 3% as European/European/American, 3% as Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander, and 3% as Middle Eastern. Clearly, this differs from the largely Caucasian groups who are often in studies and this study will need to be replicated on such samples in the future.

Wu and Bamishigbin (2023) looked at three aspects of ghosting. They were interested in learning about the reasons that ghosters cut people off, their attitudes toward ghosting, and how the ghosters experience the consequences of the ghosting process. The results were very interesting and may help us not only understand the process of ghosting but also understand the type of person who is likely to ghost.

Why people ghost

The most frequently cited reason for ghosting was because of a clear cause including incompatibility, clinginess, inappropriate behavior, or unreciprocated feelings. The second most common reason was to avoid confrontation. The third most common reason was short-term orientation. This referred to not wanting a relationship with the ghostee but instead wanting some sort of short-term interaction such as a physical connection. The fourth most frequently described reason for ghosting was feeling that the ghostee didn't meet their standards or was socially inferior. The ghosters referred to the ghostees as needy, pushy, annoying, insecure, jealous, and a whole host of other undesirable descriptors. The third most common reason was their short-term orientation. This referred to not wanting a relationship with the ghostee but instead wanting some sort of short-term interaction such as a physical connection. Some described having a fear of commitment. In general, the ghosters are probably not the partners for you and the takeaway is that if you are looking for a relationship, then consider looking in a different direction.

The ghosting process

Interestingly, most of the ghosters did not begin the cut-off process by blocking. They described initially trying to ignore the ghostee but then moved on to blocking if the ghostee continued their attempts to communicate. They reported that the ghostees attempted several methods of communicating including reaching out to mutual connections, directly communicating, and/or via social media activity. Sometimes the ghosters experienced stalking and would then move on to blocking. The takeaway here is that if one or two of your attempts to interact are met with a lack of response, then move on from your ghoster. It is simply not a good fit.

Consequences of ghosting for the ghosters

Interestingly, ghosters describe feeling a variety of emotions post-ghosting. Their emotional experiences are complicated. On the one hand, they describe feeling relieved and happy. On the other hand, they report feeling guilty, remorseful, regretful, sad, and even bad. Many justify their behavior by engaging in cognitive dissonance. An example of that might be that the ghostee was a bad person who didn't get the message and needed to be cut off by all necessary measures. Over time, some ghosters developed more remorse about having hurt someone while others became more pleased with their decision. There was even a subgroup of ghosters who reported having no feelings at all. That is hard to imagine but it is clearly their experience. Most of the ghosters did recognize that they were hurting others. They reported understanding that direct communication is ideal but nonetheless engaged in avoidant behavior. The takeway here is primarily for ghosters. Basically, you are depriving the ghostees of closure and lack of closure is very painful. Chances are that ghosters will at some point be ghosted so it is important to recognize the effects of your own actions.

Facebook image: fizkes/Shutterstock