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The popular media has recently paid a lot of attention to the fact that we are in what’s known as cuffing season. The term even made The New York Times Style section recently, a sure sign it has gone mainstream. (Notably, the Times made no mention of the roots that cuffing season has within African-American culture.)
If you aren’t familiar with the term, according to the Urban Dictionary, cuffing season refers to the fall and winter months, during which people who would “normally rather be single or promiscuous” instead aspire to be “tied down by a serious relationship.” The idea is that colder temperatures and shorter days—in warmer climates, primarily the latter—cause people to spend more time indoors and therefore to be more inclined to cuddle up with one person. “Cuff,” in this case, is short for handcuff. In other words, you and your partner bond. (It has nothing to do with cuffing in the sense of fighting with another person, or actually being joined by handcuffs.)
As a psychobiological therapist, I often speak about the importance of partners being tethered to one another (Tatkin, 2012). In a secure-functioning relationship, partners use the understanding that they are tethered to create a secure base from which they can launch and land. Agreeing to be tethered provides a level of comfort and security so both partners know they can count on each other—and feel confident that outsiders will not be a threat to their relationship.
With this in mind, I can kind of get onboard with the analogy of cuffing. It at least implies some sort of agreement to form a mutual bond of the kind that is essential for a secure-functioning relationship. However, I would also point out that a tether allows you the freedom to engage in your own activities, and then to always return to your partner for sharing and support. A couple's virtual tether can be as long or as short as they decide to make it. A cuff, to stick with the analogy, does not allow for that kind of movement or flexibility—and approach that could be a recipe for disaster for a budding relationship. Imagine that you had to physically take your partner everywhere. That would be bondage, not secure functioning. And I assume you are more interested in the latter than the former.
If what you really want is a lasting, secure-functioning relationship, there is another problem with the very notion of a cuffing "season"—the fact that it is by definition temporary. Central to a cuffing season is the idea that un-cuffing will inevitably follow. This brings us back to the difference between a tether and a cuff. While you will naturally want to get free from a cuff, a tether has staying power—and there is no tethering season.
If you take relationships seriously, and your response to the news that we are now in cuffing season has been to run out and seek to grab onto someone to get you through the season, do yourself a favor: Think again.
I like to tell people that dating is forever (Tatkin, 2016). By that, I mean that dating is a process through which you get to know another person. And when you find someone you really, really like to be around, that process never has to end. This is the richness and reward of relationships. If you try to limit it to a particular season, you may be robbing yourself of the potential for lasting happiness with a partner.
References
- Menz, P. (2015, Nov. 10). Cuffing season is here: Till spring do us part. The New York Times. http://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/10/fashion/cuffing-season.html?emc=eta1&…
- Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for love: How understanding your partner's brain can help you defuse conflicts and spark intimacy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
- Tatkin, S. (2016). Wired for dating: How understanding neurobiology and attachment style can help you find your ideal mate. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is the author of Wired for Love and Wired for Dating and Your Brain on Love, and coauthor of Love and War in Intimate Relationships. He has a clinical practice in Southern California, teaches at Kaiser Permanente, and is an assistant clinical professor at UCLA. Tatkin developed a Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT) and together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, founded the PACT Institute.
