The Path to Your True Self: What’s Missing in How I Feel

This post is part five of a series.

Have you ever stopped to consider the truth in the statement, “Knowledge Is Power”?

The Chinese-American version of that adage might be closely related, “Education Is Power.” At least that’s how I have lived my life (as a student, scientist, and teacher); that power has made me incredibly blissfully happy.

Just kidding.

It’s true that knowledge and education have brought me a great job, financial security, confidence in my intellectual capability, and the ability to navigate my life to what most people would call success. However, equally true is that the knowledge and education by itself resulted in neither happiness nor a satisfying life, but instead a troubled marriage and chronic pain and fatigue syndromes.

The question that consumed me for two decades: Where did I go wrong? What was missing?

My happiness checklist was created by my very smart, very foolish head that rarely consulted my heart, the part of me that decides how I feel. She was missing from that conversation and she was going to be heard.

Tapping Into Feelings and Refocusing

My analytical strategies in a vacuum led to my epic life fail; the only recourse was to let my heart lead the way with my brain being of service as needed. In some ways, I had no choice but to make major changes in my life because I simply did not have the energy to pursue the dominant cognitive endeavors any longer.

That doesn’t mean I knew what to do with the chasm in my life. To make matters worse, I was not adept at tapping into my feelings—I had spent 36 years putting up walls to avoid noticing my self-induced heartbreak. I had no idea that those walls were there, what was behind them, or how to take them down (or that I should). As an excuse for my misery, I kept telling myself, “I’ll be happy when__.”

I had an epiphany when I learned that sensing the feelings of others is an actual strength measured in the Clifton Strengthsfinders assessment. I couldn’t feel half of my own feelings, much less the emotions of others.

Before you dismiss me as a complete lost cause, in fairness, I was not a total neophyte to the process. In times of crisis, I would instinctively sit, let my thoughts clear, and tap into my feelings. Over time and out of necessity, this strategy became a daily lifeline, then a source of inspiration, rather than just employed for crisis management. Still, it has taken a very long time to really feel like I’ve gotten to the bottom of the bulk of the feelings pushed behind that wall. I now welcome a more general awareness of emotions within and in others.

I was fortunate because my late husband was so empathic, he could tell when I was dealing with emotions that I was not ready to face. His gentle inquiries helped me get out of my head, and into my heart, allowing myself to feel and release the emotions that I’ve just taken for granted as my emotional white noise.

How I Turned It Around

These days, I feel I’ve made amends with my heart for the years of neglect and abuse of her hopes, dreams, and tenderness. I make every attempt to listen when she speaks to me, to proactively solicit and honor her input without judgment or shame.

I follow the trail of grief, fear, and anger to the beliefs that put them there. I question and reframe the perspectives around those beliefs, forgive myself and others, and make peace with who I am and my place in the world.

I’ve excavated most of the toxic emotions that I was holding in my body. My pain and fatigue as well as my emotional outbursts (whether expressed verbally or not) are pretty much a thing of the past.

As a result of that commitment, my heart and I have a close, intimate, and synergistic relationship in this body. A happy threesome, if you will.

Emotion Regulation Essential Reads

An 8 Step Roadmap for Managing Difficult Feelings

Do You Have a Regulation Partner?

You might notice that I speak about my heart as I would a loved one. My heart is my beloved. She’s an important Part of Me because when we honor each other, we are capable of great joy.

Some time ago, I heard the quote, “Follow your bliss” by Joseph Campbell. At the time, I couldn’t even understand what that meant, given bliss felt like such an abstract, unattainable condition. But, bliss is on the other side of the wall I built around my heart and is possible, even likely when I truly embrace the wisdom and guidance of my heart.

Heart, meet bliss. So glad to make your acquaintance again and again.