How to Turn Difficult People Into Your Teachers

Did you know that workplace conflict cost an estimated $359 billion per year according to a 2008 study by CPP Global? When adjusted for inflation (US Bureau of Labor Statistics CPI Inflation Calculator) that becomes over $513 billion in 2023 dollars.

Between the expense and disruption of conflict at work and our personal lives, and the loneliness epidemic described by the US Surgeon General (Murthy, 2020), it is clear that there is room for improvement and growth when it comes to our relationships.

Operationalizing and integrating greater relationship harmony is easier said than done. However, with some guidance and practice, we can become more proficient in handling difficult relationships and wiser in the process.

Here are five impactful practices that can put your relationships with difficult others on a smoother course.

1. Notice Your Reaction

You cannot re-direct the urge to escalate or flee conflict if you do not notice that you’re moving into fight-or-flight mode. The earlier you notice the reaction, the better your ability to direct the feelings into a more constructive response.

Think back to how you tend to react to difficult others. You might have a range of responses, where some situations or people trigger the flight response, whereas others trigger the tendency to want to fight. What emotions are you feeling? How does your body feel in each case? Make a note of these emotional and physical reactions. They provide an early alert system that a challenging situation needs your attention.

Mindfulness can also help to increase the amount of time between the trigger and behavior, and thus your ability to respond in alignment with your desired outcomes.

2. Soothe Yourself

Now that you’ve noticed your flight-or-flight response has been triggered, your stress hormone cortisol has likely risen. It takes hours for the levels to dissipate after removing yourself from the stressful situation. However, we can prolong the stress response by feeding our anger, fear, or paralysis by ruminating on what feels threatening, controlling, or unacceptable.

Additionally, I have found that effective problem-solving is elusive when I’m in fight-or-flight mode; I’m more likely to escalate rather than resolve the situation. Therefore, it can be helpful to soothe your nerves before acting.

Make a list of the strategies that tend to be calming for you. Music, art, nature, watching a comedy, hugging a loved one, physical activity, or exercise are healthy approaches to getting grounded and centered. Proactively use calming strategies in the future, planning ahead as needed.

It can take some self-discipline to change your natural tendency to fight or flee. The more you practice creating space and soothing yourself before responding, the easier it will become with time.

3. Reflect and Reframe

Now that you’ve soothed yourself after a stressful situation, you’re ready to reflect and consider solutions. From a calmer place you may discover new strategies or insights that evaded you previously.

If you feel that you’ve tried everything possible to improve the situation, it may be time to reframe the challenge. Joseph Campbell, author of Hero with a Thousand Faces, describes this internal work as the quest of the hero. According to Campbell and his Hero’s Journey framework, once the s/hero discovers that their external strategies to prevail over the “enemy” have failed, they realize that the challenge is really an exploration of how to transform themselves from the inside out. When the s/hero does that successfully, they discover the gift of the challenge: the lost wisdom of their generation.

The point, according to Campbell, is that we’re destined to keep re-learning the lessons to acquire what we’re all seeking, i.e., how to feel most fully alive.

In other words, difficult others provide the rationale and motivation to do the inner work that helps us become our biggest, fullest self.

As you contemplate what may feel like your last resort option — transforming from within — consider what the Future You would do, say, or how you would act. Perhaps you’d have firm boundaries, act with kindness and peacefulness, and you’d nourish the connection between you and others regardless of conflict or misunderstandings. Imagine Future You in detail, and consider the gap between Present and Future You, and how to move into that space. Then take one small step in that direction. Then another. And so on.

4. Go Deeper

The advanced move is to recognize the possible projection in the relationship. In other words, the qualities in the difficult other that are most challenging to you might be the qualities in yourself that you dislike, and vice versa.

Make a list of the challenging behaviors and characteristics of the difficult others in your life. Then take a hard look at yourself and consider how you might hate that quality in yourself. This commonality is worthy of gentle exploration, kindness, and forgiveness in both of you.

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5. Embrace Lifelong Learning

Campbell’s framework of the Hero’s Journey also includes Enemies, Tests, and Mentors. In beloved epic tales such as Star Wars, such archetypes are pretty obvious: Darth Vader, learning to use a light saber, and Yoda, respectively.

What these elements have in common is that they benefit the learning and inner journey of the s/hero. Enemies (difficult others) and Tests (challenges) are simply feedback to the s/hero as to where they need to learn, grow, and shore up skills. Once reaching a certain level of competency, Enemies and Tests become mere distractions as opposed to what might feel like an existential threat.

Though we usually get a sense of happily ever after at the end of epic tales, we also know that the challenges continue to occur, just like in our personal lives. We might enjoy a respite, but in reality we’re likely to repeat the Hero’s Journey on multiple occasions. We may discover that the depiction of the Hero’s Journey as a circle is actually an upward spiral as we expand and elevate, becoming stronger and wiser with each cycle.

Instead of believing that life should be easy, after a few moments, I find great benefit in viewing seemingly endless challenges and difficult others as teachers that assist my lifelong learning and expansion. Committing to this perspective and strategy enables a smoother and more efficient way to leap life’s hurdles, and build confidence, agency, peace, and a sense of personal power.

Resources are also available to help learners, at home, work, or school, to journey towards a more resilient approach to our hurdles. Consider personal journey travel guides such as the Foundation for Family and Community Healing’s Relationship Wellbeing module, or our pending module on Discover Your Inner Wealth: The S/hero’s Journey.

Then pack your bags, and prepare for a rich and fulfilling journey!