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Key points
- Every relationship has its own balance of autonomy and interdependence.
- Respecting one's own values is key to contentment and autonomy.
- Making choices that reflect one's own needs and wants is a form of autonomy.
It still seems strange to me, with the current emphasis on physical health and fitness, that we aren’t also focusing on mental wellness. While in the past, the body and the mind were viewed separately, and patients’ concerns were treated by specialists (by health care providers for physical health and mental health providers for the mind), we now know clearly that the body and the mind can’t be artificially separated. Physical health affects mental health and vice versa.
It’s also clear from all the loneliness and unhappiness or lack of contentment in our world that one can have the absence of mental illness yet not have mental wellness. If your overall health is important to you, then consider checking in on your mental wellness. Are you content?
In looking at mental wellness, first consider your sense of autonomy, which is part of psychological well-being, according to the work of Carol Ryff. Basically, autonomy means you have a voice and choices. You are psychologically free, and you’re not acting on autopilot or controlled by someone else or a group. Consider these questions:
- Do you find yourself doing what other people tell you is best for you, even when you disagree?
- Do you continue to do the same thing day after day, even if you don’t enjoy it, because that’s your routine?
- In your friendships, do you suggest activities and express your own views, or do your friends decide on activities, and you nod your head to their opinions?
- Are you afraid to disagree with others?
- Do you go along with the values and beliefs of others, or do you make your own decisions?
Autonomy means that you are secure in your thoughts and ideas and who you are. You have your own set of values, and you live according to your values. You aren’t trashing yourself and putting yourself down. You can learn from your mistakes, take responsibility, and move on. You know who you are, and you’re OK with that. You are open to feedback and ready to improve and learn from others when they are giving helpful information. You are willing to listen and consider the knowledge of the other person, but you make the decision that you believe is right for you.
Take a moment and reflect on how autonomous you are in your everyday life. Do you have a balance of interdependence and autonomy that works for you at your job, in your relationships, and with your family? Dependence is not a dirty word! While in some cultures, independence is highly valued, it’s not possible or healthy to not be dependent on others for anything. If nothing else, someone else probably made the chair you might be sitting on. Also, keep in mind that doing the opposite of what others say and suggest is not autonomous behavior! If you always do the opposite, then that’s not psychological freedom.
What do you think? Do you have areas of your life where you need to develop more autonomy to add to your mental wellness and contentment? Consider how you could do that. If you often keep your ideas to yourself, particularly if you don’t agree with others, then consider how to effectively express yourself in ways that make it clear it’s OK to have different opinions and that you aren’t cutting off the relationship. If you always go to dinner where someone else suggests, then begin to offer restaurant options.
Notice where you aren’t being your authentic self (are you smiling when you are actually upset at what someone said?). Then, consider what an authentic, effective response would be, given the context. Context is important! What you might say to your boss about your thoughts and feelings is likely different from what you would say to your spouse. Keep practicing speaking up in different contexts until you feel free to express yourself.
Do you have an environment that supports autonomy? Autonomy flourishes when you have a supportive environment. In an autonomous, supportive environment, your boss would encourage you to make decisions on how to accomplish the task you are assigned. Family members would seek out and support your ideas on activities for a family reunion or birthday. Friends would encourage and be curious about new interests you have rather than criticizing you. An autonomy-supportive environment calls for participation in problem-solving and decision-making. Your voice is heard! That doesn’t mean others will always agree with you, of course.
It may be that your spouse, your boss, your friends, and family members are used to you being a “go-along” type of person. In this case, they will often push back if you start making choices for yourself or stating opinions that they don’t agree with.
If this is the case, consider having an open discussion, letting others know that you are working on your sense of autonomy, and explaining how they could be supportive and how that could benefit both them and you. Research has shown that having healthy autonomy results in better work satisfaction and productivity. It also is part of healthy relationships in which people grow and are content.
Changing your level of autonomy will take time. And it will take time to decide what balance of autonomy versus dependence is right for you. We humans are all dependent on each other in many ways, and necessarily so.
