What to Do When Self-Doubt Attempts to Sabotage You

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How often do you doubt your choices? When was the last time you made a decision for yourself and then other people’s opinions snuck in to undermine your decision?

Self-doubt is associated with poor health outcomes and may not have any direct benefits to our well-being. The self-doubt I am referring to is the kind that erodes self-worth, the kind that pokes holes in the deeper truths about ourselves—those inarguable parts like who we are, how we feel, and what we want. It can be especially harmful when it sneaks in to sabotage the healthy boundaries we set for ourselves. When our “No, that wouldn’t be good for me,” is chased with “Maybe I should—it seems everyone else wants me to.” Or the reverse: "I want to take a risk and try this,” becomes “Well, my family thinks I will fail and that would be bad.”

Self-doubt is not to be confused with humble self-reflection and healthy self-assessment. To tell the difference, ask yourself these three questions:

1. What percentage of the time do I trust my innate experience and knowledge (that has not been programmed by others) to make decisions for myself?
2. How flexible am I with updating my thoughts and beliefs as I grow and change?
3. How often do I check in with how I really feel and what I really want?

If your answers reflect a high level of self-doubt, that is OK. Self-doubt can also be a doorway to enter through to build inner strength and long-term resilience.

Self-doubt informs you paradoxically that you’ll never be able to do it all, but should keep striving to meet an unrealistic expectation of pleasing others. Underlying self-doubt may be a belief that believing I am not enough will keep me moving forward. It won’t. It doesn’t make us better parents, partners, friends, or employees and least of all it won’t support a healthy relationship with yourself.

Your faith can move mountains, your self-doubt can create them.

Things you may want to give up:

• Fear of being judged, wrong, or disliked.
• Comparing yourself to others.
• Listening to others' opinions over your own.
• The belief that worthiness depends on achievements, looks, or other performances.

What you may want to do instead:

• Honor your lived experience.
• Trust your decisions and that changing your mind is healthy.
• Appreciate that you will make mistakes and that failing is OK.
• Observe the pressure you put on yourself to do more, have more, and be more.
• Unsubscribe from beliefs that no longer serve your well-being.

Self-reflection can inform us that not falling for self-doubt will not lead to narcissism or nihilism, but can actually lead to inner strength that allows us to live in alignment with our actual values. Self-reflection can leave us open to being more receptive to constructive feedback. Without being ruled by shame, guilt, or fear of being wrong, self-reflection can guide us to be more flexible, open, and adaptable. This is resilience that comes from within. Where self-doubt simply undermines real change from taking hold, self-reflection can help us find our center and trust ourselves. Then we can deeply consider our own feelings, intentions, actions, and how we want to proceed. "I am worthy because I exist" is a core belief that can replace the belief that "I am not enough and may never be."

Change moves at the speed of trust.

Self-trust is something we can practice and learn. Learning self-trust and having a strong center allows us to pull in when necessary, but also reach out and try new things. When we can reflect humbly and trust ourselves, we can make wise decisions for ourselves. How can we foster self-trust as a skill?

A Practice of Transforming Self-Doubt to Resilience*

Step 1: Recognize

• Sit quietly with our breath, and create space to feel self-doubt. Just recognize it as it arrives.
• How does it appear for you emotionally? Physically?
• Under what circumstances does it seem to sneak in and attempt to sabotage you?
• What other emotions arise with it? Is it a fear of being wrong or of not being liked?
• Keep your breath centered, slow, and low.
• Recognize self-doubt as a normal part of growth.

Step 2: Release

• Now allow or invite self-doubt to dissipate.
• What arises in its place? Is there an opposite of self-doubt that you want to foster? Self-trust, contentment, empowerment, grace, love, or freedom?
• Where do you experience this shift in your body?

Step 3: Trust

• Think of something about yourself that is trustworthy, unshakeable, determined, and authentic.
• Center yourself in your core—the something unshakeable that has endured through everything and gotten you here.
• Focus on that part and connect to it using slow, even, and long exhales.

Step 4: Reflect

• Describe a situation when you were able to muster enough trust and courage to humbly reflect and change yourself.
• How did that feel?
• How can you practice this today?