South Asian Parents and Their Expectations

“Just because our children came from us doesn’t mean we get to dictate to them how it is they express their essence.” ― Shefali Tsabary, The Conscious Parent: Transforming Ourselves, Empowering Our Children

For South Asians, balancing parents’ expectations along with their own is a life-long process. Pleasing parents and respecting their wishes is a value of collectivist communities that can be admirable and honorable in some cases, but in others can lead to devastating circumstances. Many expectations in the diaspora are fueled by factors of gender, sexism, religion, or cultural ideologies. These extend into familial duties/gender roles, career choices, marriage, and family planning. Nowadays, bicultural South Asians face more internal conflicts with balancing their parents’ needs with their own. Given how deeply embedded expectations can be, SA individuals may find themselves in a cycle of expectation and guilt, which can go on indefinitely and be passed down to the next generation.

Please note that all demographic information has been modified to protect individuals’ identities.

Family Duties/Gender Roles

“We will be very disappointed if you don’t follow what we are saying, we know what’s best for you.”

There are many age and gender-based expectations in SA families. For instance, sons, especially the oldest, are expected to succeed financially and to be a source of strength and sanctuary to parents as they age. In some cases, sons are asked to contribute financially to the family as well. Sahil, 32, spoke of his constant concern about contributing to his family and societal pressures to create his own life. He often felt anxious about his ability to manage both. He also admitted feeling worried about how his future partner would feel about this.

In some cases, parents expect to move in with their adult sons, regardless of any strain in the relationship. While not all children are able to do this and not all families expect this, it is a situation that still exists and is especially common when a parent’s spouse passes away.

Raveena, 32, spoke of how her mother-in-law, who moved in after her husband passed, was often crossing boundaries around parenting or cooking in her home, and this was a source of tension for her. She stated that her husband was passive about it, which caused her a feeling of helplessness and a lack of power. Her feelings often oscillated between sadness and anger. When they finally spoke with her mother-in-law, it was met with passive aggression and playing the victim card, which led to a cycle of guilt for Raveena’s husband.

“Lalitha Auntie’s daughter visits every week, and you can’t even do this one thing for me.”

A catalyst for parental expectation comes from comparisons among community members, with daughters often being on the receiving end around such things as perceived familial duties. Some parents may expect more from their daughters around things like daily calls home or frequent visits. Many times, daughters are thrust into the role of being pseudo-therapists even at very young ages and expected to hear out parents’ woes about home life or the other parent. This is very perplexing and confusing, especially for younger girls who are forced into a parentified therapist role, while having to maintain normal relationships with their parents. For Ria, 23, nothing was ever enough for her mother, who had constant expectations of her daughter and used guilt even if it made Ria unhappy.

Girls are often expected to be more tolerant and to be able to handle more than their male siblings. The underlying narrative around this may partly stem from religious beliefs where girls are considered to be evolved spiritually, have more emotional strength, and therefore be able to bear more challenges. For example, Shweta, 25, shared how she has been dealing with anxiety while working on her PhD thesis at home. However, her father kept guilting her into taking breaks to help him with some fixtures at home, questioning why she could not do that, instead of also asking her brother. Her brother, whose anxiety manifested in physical symptoms, was excused due to being unwell and “being stressed” with his work.

“My sister has autism and my parents have already told me that it’s my job to take care of her when she grows up.”

Rani, 20, stated that while she loved her sister Roshni, she was worried that she would not be able to live her life as she had to keep in mind being nearby for her sister. Her parents would often remind her of her duties as an older sister of a girl with disabilities. This would result in her feeling guilty, especially when she thought of a life of her own. Rani stated that she loved her sister but was concerned that she would need a lot of care in the future. Rani shared feeling bad for having conflicted feelings and was often stressed out while thinking about this.

Career

“Listen to us, we know what’s best for you.”

For some immigrant parents, setting up their children for a certain type of success validates their rigorous efforts of venturing abroad. While newer generations are starting to turn away from traditional roles of medicine and engineering, expectations about having a “respectable” or “lucrative” career path still looms heavy. Shivani shared that discussing her career has been a challenge and very stress-inducing for her, creating occasional anxiety attacks. She spoke of her parents pushing her to pursue a science degree, which she didn’t want to do, but she took a couple of courses to appease them.

Sachin, 25, talked of wanting to go into the arts but was met with a lukewarm response from his parents. “Their main concern was how much money I would make and if it would be enough to support my future.” Sachin admitted to feeling guilt around his choices and being a failure to his parents. While he found work in finance, he ended up dealing with significant mental health issues and needed to leave. After seeking therapy, he realized the immense guilt he had in pursuing his passions in acting and music.

Marriage

“You are bringing us so much pain because of your actions.”

In some cases, expectations can take on toxic proportions. Rashi’s parents told her that she should only marry someone from the Brahman caste and from their specific sect. When her parents found out she had a boyfriend who was not from their caste, they were furious. They began to scold and verbally abuse her, calling her disgraceful and disrespectful. They swore to disown her and even threatened their own death. Rashi grew very depressed as she dealt with the onslaught of her parents’ edict. She found herself lying more often to her parents and having panic attacks even speaking with her boyfriend. Their voices grew so loud in her mind that at one point she thought she should just stop seeing him. Rashi had to constantly negotiate her boundaries with her parents while feeling guilty for doing so, believing that ultimately, they may be right.

Cross-Cultural Psychology Essential Reads

Living and Loving in a Diverse Society

Documenting Cultural Lineages

Family Planning

“My friends all have grandchildren, when are you going to make me a grandparent?”

The pressures women receive to have children can be exhausting and cause feelings of inadequacy and failure. Nidhi shared that she first began getting questions a year after she was married regarding when they would have kids. Most parents and extended family would initially ask teasingly about their plans. Eventually, over the years, the gentle prodding turned into guilt-inducing and fearful demands. When Nidhi did get pregnant at 44, she had to field underhanded questions about how late she was having her child. The role of guilt and expectation from parents, extended family, or community members can cause extreme distress for SA couples who either have children later on or decide not to have kids.

So how can we begin to change the script around expectations? While change takes perseverance and consistency, recognizing what is not sitting well within you, within your being, can begin this process. Many SAs often ignore this discomfort and tolerate it. For others, it simply does not work anymore. Both responses are perfectly fine. It is key to accept where you are first. But it is important to know how these issues impact your mind and body. Try these simple exercises to help guide you toward finding greater inner harmony.

1. Awareness: Take a few moments to think about the expectations in your life and any accompanying guilt you carry.
2. Journal: Write down what expectations your parents have of you. What role do they play?
3. Identify: When you think of these expectations, what feelings come up? Where do these feelings sit in the body? How do they make your body feel? Imagine letting them go. What does it feel like in your body? What does it feel like to hold onto them?
4. Breathe: Take 5-6 deep breaths to help relax your body around these feelings. Send air to the places that hold these feelings. Use stretching to help release any tensions.
5. Letting Guilt Go: Think of how it would feel in your body to not feel guilt. What makes you want to hold on?
6. Understanding the Collective: Are there ways to honor your collective roots while navigating your own truth?
7. Talk it Out: Find someone to share this with who can support you. But, if it is causing you significant distress, do seek professional services.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.