Being Young, LGBTQIA+, and South Asian

Parental acceptance has been found to be one of the most salient factors in the mental health of LGBTQIA+ individuals. This is especially true for South Asian (SA) individuals, given the value of parental approval. Additionally, societal challenges and a lack of culturally competent therapists can add to individuals feeling alienated. To explore this topic further, I spoke to three individuals deeply connected to the community to share their perspectives.

Gayathri Iyer, School Counselor and Adjunct Faculty at NYU Department of Psychology

Source: Gayathri Iyer, used with permission.

Coming Out

Often, SA parents are not emotionally accessible to their children when it comes to topics such as sex, drugs, mental health, and especially coming out. There is a fear of children being led astray by “Western values” that may interfere with the expected life goals of a career, marriage, and family. Anything that does not fit this mindset may be brushed off, ignored, or waved off as a phase that their child is going through.

“My students share how their family dialogues often have to do with acceptance with an asterisk — as in, we don’t hate these individuals, but we insist your exploration is a phase, shame, or a concerning byproduct of Internet culture or hypersexuality in general," says Gayathri Iyer, school counselor in the New York City Department of Education and adjunct faculty in NYU's Department of Applied Psychology

Iyer shared that while only a subset of her students is of SA descent (many of whom are Bengali or Pakistani Muslim) a few barriers they face in coming out are “due to the limitations of space and context for dialogue and nuance with their often expansive but also often busy working-class and familial role parents.” She says her students from Queens represent diverse cultures and come from “both conservative and progressive families who have considerations around gender and education.” She adds that the parents of her students “have fears over LGBTQIA+ identity as a rejection or contradiction with their roots of color, culture, or faith.”

“When we feel grounded and safe and have a sense of home, we can navigate all the other challenges that come with being a member of a group that faces social discrimination with so much more strength and ease," says Anjali Alimchandani, Cisgender and Queer South Asian Psychologist.

Anjali Alimchandani, Psychologist and Advisory Board Member for NQTTCN

Source: Anjali Alimchandani, used with permission.

Alimchandani, a psychologist based in New York and an advisory board member for the National Queer and Transgender Therapists of Color Network (NQTTCN) shares how some of her clients have experienced complete alienation from family members which resulted in isolation, self-worth issues, and sometimes suicidal ideation. In her own journey, she experienced “a great deal of internal turmoil as well as challenges with my parents and in determining how 'out' to be in professional and other public spaces.” Fortunately, she shares that her siblings were supportive, and that “I had a strong queer-people community around me. And while my parents struggled with acceptance and our relationship was strained at times, they always made their love for me clear and kept the dialogue going, which is a huge privilege. I knew many South Asian and other BIPOC queer people who did not have this safety. I am grateful that my parents came to a place of not just acceptance, but also celebration.”

“When my child came out to me in high school as gay, it felt like a blow. All the thoughts, hopes, and dreams that I had for my child seemed futile," says Aruna Rao, founder and executive director of Desi Rainbow Parents and Allies

Rao, a proud parent of her gay and trans young-adult child, acknowledges that the parental instinct to protect can sometimes manifest as fear and control leading to a harmful dynamic. Though liberal herself, Rao shares that when her child came out to her, her initial concerns were for their future and ability “to access what they needed to thrive in life.” She also admitted to feeling a pit in her stomach, which she attributed to shame. Shame is a huge part of the South Asian psyche and has a big role in deterring individuals to live a full and authentic life. Rao questioned the source of her shame and realized that when she said out loud, “My child is gay,” it triggered more feelings about what others thought rather than her own issues with homophobia. She realized that she needed to learn more and decided to educate herself about what it meant to be an LBGTQ+ child. “As I learned more it became apparent that the acceptance of my child from myself and my husband could make a huge difference to their emotional and physical health and to their ability to live a fulfilling life.”

Aruna Rao, founder and executive director of Desi Rainbow Parents and Allies

Source: Aruna Rao, used with permission

SA parents of LBGTQ+ children often experience their own coming out, in a sense, to extended family and friends. Rao states that “the shame that you feel internally is magnified when you now have to come out as a parent of an LGBTIQ+ child.” She cautions that permission is of utmost importance, as the child may have preferences about how to come out to others. Per Rao, “making it a positive and affirming event,” rather than a cause for concern, is key. She cautions that “this is not a chance for parents to express doubts” but a time to stand allied with your child and invite family to embrace them for who they are. She further advises to be “protective of your own vulnerability and share with only those you trust.”

Rao shares, “I began to practice, with my child’s permission, coming out as a parent of a child who identified as gay.” She noticed how much more comfortable she grew in sharing this information regardless of the reactions, though many were positive. She also paid attention to how her child expressed their own identity through dress or mannerisms. She began to ask them questions about identity and the things she didn’t fully understand. Aruna admitted that when her child came out a second time, as trans, it was much easier as she was much more equipped and prepared as to what her role was as a supportive parent.

Societal Challenges

Discrimination and “othering” for SA LGBTQ+ individuals can range from the overt, such as violence and the denial of housing or job opportunities, to microaggressions in day-to-day interactions. Many of these issues hold people back from coming out in non-safe spaces.

Alimchandani states that she’s been “fortunate to encounter fewer experiences of blatant discrimination and ostracization in public spaces," given that she is a cisgender woman who can pass for heterosexual. Yet, she adds, inner conflicts can be challenging. “While passing awards tremendous social privilege, as is the case for any individuals with 'invisible' disenfranchised social identities, it can also be very difficult to navigate emotionally if one seeks to live a values-aligned life. It can feel like self-betrayal or ‘hiding.’”

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She talks of the isolating experience of often being “the only queer person and the only queer person of color (and sometimes the only person of color) in higher-education and professional spaces. I often had to serve as the ‘token representative’ of queer people/BIPOC queer people, and determine when and how to come out, reflect on how to use my passing privilege to advocate for the needs of BIPOC queer, trans, and gender-expansive people.”

Culturally Competent Therapists

Negative familial and societal responses take a toll on mental health. Alimchandani speaks of the importance of being “culturally responsive” and “justice informed” in order for therapists to truly understand their clients and create a trusting foundation. Find more about her work on her website

Iyer shares that it can be challenging to find local, affordable, culturally/intersectional sensitive South Asian (or POC) clinician referrals with which her students can feel comfortable. She cautions about turning them over to therapists who lack the requisite sensitivity and knowledge which could then “exacerbate their own sense of marginalization.” In connecting with her students, Iyer shares her own cultural background and references her own identity and her “mother’s LGBTQ acceptance and allyship journey where applicable” and always “in honoring and non-paternalizing terms'' with an intent to empower rather than alienate.

In 2017 Rao founded Desi Rainbow Parents & Allies, a national nonprofit organization for “South Asian families and friends of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer and questioning individuals to learn about LGBTQ+ issues, find community with one another and learn how to better support their loved ones.” Rao states that “Desi Rainbow is the only national diaspora organization that is focused on support, education, allyship, and advocacy for LGBTQ+ Desis and their family members.”

Tips for Parents of LBGTQ+ Children

From Aruna Rao:

1. Educate yourself. Read, ask questions, talk to others, increase your knowledge in order to understand.
2. Who do you owe your allegiance to—your beloved child or those family or friends who are either hostile or unwilling to understand your child’s identity?
3. Ask permission from your child when sharing their identity. Also, sharing does not have to wait until your child is in a relationship. Your child’s value is not tied to their ability to have a partner or to be in a relationship.
4. Remember that your role as a parent is to support and love your child, no matter how they identify, and not constrain, confine, or judge.
5. Seek support from others on the same journey. Peer support has a huge impact on the internal process of accepting your child, just as they are. Check out Desi Rainbow, Saathi, and PFLAG for support.