South Asian Women Seeking 'Fair and Lovely' Comments Only

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“I never feel attractive because I’m dark and not fair like others in my family.” – Priya, 24,

“My dad tells me I’m too skinny all the time.” – Reshma, 22

“An aunty told me that I still have the body of a child.” – Shilpa, 28

“My husband sometimes makes me feel bad about the weight I gained after having our first child.” – Shivani, 35

These are some of the many comments South Asian (SA) women are sadly all too familiar with. There is a notion of global beauty that has dominated mainstream media for ages and is now on social media. The physical traits of being fair, thin, and possessing “sharp features'' have been deified in SA communities for centuries, portraying an impossible standard for all women to strive for.

While it has been amazing to see and hear voices and campaigns rise against these issues over the past decade, these toxic messages continue to run deep in the underbelly of the SA consciousness.

Colorism (“prejudice or discrimination against individuals with a dark skin tone, typically among people of the same ethnic or racial group.” – Oxford Language Dictionary)

“When I was younger, I was fairer than my mom, and I remember how well I would be treated, even as a young girl, and she would constantly be jabbed at by family members. They would make comments about how I, who was so fair, was born to someone like her. She would laugh it off, but I know it hurt her. It definitely hurt me.” – Simran, 35

Growing up, girls are taught that being fair-skinned is a mark of beauty and are automatically seen as having better character overall, a type of halo effect. Fair-skinned girls are often given more positive attention by extended family members and are expected to have excellent marital prospects. For this reason, girls are often warned to stay out of the sun lest they become “too dark” and ruin any future proposals.

In fact, matrimonial sites blatantly advertise men seeking “fair-skinned” women. On the flip side, darker girls are given the subtle and not-so-subtle messages by society that they are not as attractive, of lower intelligence, and even mean-spirited. It is common among SA families or community members to give back-handed compliments such as, “she’s such a nice girl. The only thing is she is a bit dark” or “it’s a shame she is so dark. She is such a nice girl.” These comments promote the message that being of darker skin is a significant flaw that detracts from a girl or woman’s good character.

Such messages of being “fair and lovely” in SA countries such as India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh (Osuri 2008) were so prevalent that the face-lightening product Fair and Lovely (now Glow and Lovely) was created in the 70s to offer a solution. Millions of dollars are spent each year on face lightening, a common practice in many parts of Asia, with individuals vying for whiter skin.

There is an understanding among BIPOC communities that lighter-skinned individuals hold more power and are privileged with better treatment and prospects not only socially and culturally but economically as well. This is apparent in mainstream SA TV and film such as Bollywood and other regional industries, where mainly light-skinned women are given starring roles while darker, dusky-skinned girls are sidelined to more modest or even villainous roles. Likewise, women in billboard ads are usually fair-complexioned with more western features and are seen to possess the kind of beauty all women must aspire to.

There is much debate as to whether it was purely colonialism that brought about colorism to SA countries or the resulting issue of pre-existing hierarchies (such as the caste system in India) that had already been created to stratify society. It appears to be a very complex and polarizing discussion, with intersections of culture, class, and religion playing major roles. Research seems to indicate that it is likely to be a combination of both of these. British colonialists showed preferential treatment for lighter-skinned individuals (Mishra, 2015), bolstering the class systems that were already in place and conflating the idea that the so-called lower classes were also of darker skin color. British colonialists used these systems to conform to their own racial narratives (Jung, 2022).

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Ultimately, colorism in the form of systemic and internalized racism has been passed down over generations in SA families and allowed to run rampant and unchecked. Nowadays, while there may not always be malicious intent behind colorist comments, these are generally shrugged off as thoughtless habits among family members and the community at large. Most people are unaware that what they are saying is racist, harmful, or outrageous and often grow defensive when called out for this type of behavior.

Body shaming (“the action or practice of mocking or stigmatizing someone by making critical comments about the shape, size, or appearance of their body.” ~ Oxford Dictionary)

“Whenever I visit my family in India, I have to prepare for comments about my weight. They don't realize how hard it is to hear.” – Shreya, 18

This is a common experience among SA when they visit relatives abroad or even in the U.S. A SA woman who is perceived as too fat or too thin is often seen as ineffective or incapable of living a happy life. Women seen as “too thin” are often viewed as weak, sickly, and unfeminine, while women considered larger are seen as unattractive, lazy, or with lower intelligence. Body shaming is so commonplace that SAs who engage in this behavior are ignorant of its impact.

Fat shaming is often used to motivate an individual to lose weight. This typically backfires, causing individuals to feel bad about themselves and, in some cases, to lose motivation to engage in diets or exercise and to snack more out of anxiety. SA families will nickname family members or friends with names highlighting body weight or characteristics, especially when someone is seen as chubby or skinny. It is a type of microaggression that is veiled as innocent teasing. While this is done in the spirit of fun and affection, individuals do not always enjoy the experiences.

Unfortunately, colorist and body shaming comments are underscored in the daily vernacular. In fact, commenting on an individual’s physical appearance is often a main mode of greeting others, as casual as “hello, how are you? Instead, insert: “Oh, wow, you’ve gained weight!” Or “You are so thin.” Or it’s more covert, “you have become a bit healthier.” Or, with purported sympathy,” You are looking too weak. Don’t you eat?” Or “You’ve gotten darker. What happened to you?”

In my practice and among friends and family, the fallout of such comments and beliefs contributes to negative feelings about one’s self-esteem and self-worth. These messages can certainly contribute to anxious and depressive feelings an individual may already have. Normalizing these comments makes individuals feel they are in the wrong and should be somehow blamed for their appearance.

Eating disorders among SA have also become a cause for concern, but given the mental health stigma, they are not often reported (Goel et al., 2022).

Clients have shared how stressed out their parents are due to Aunties and Uncles who ask them if their daughter is okay simply due to their (client’s) weight. Some parents will pass these comments to their daughters to make them feel guilty. Rather than protecting and defending their child, SA parents project their guilt about their competence as parents, as if they are also to blame. It’s a vicious cycle of guilt, pressure, anxiety, and shame that eats away at the self-esteem of those at the center of this.

Unfortunately, colorism and body shaming has been normalized for far too long. Generational change takes patience, but it can happen by taking active steps, just one conversation at a time to plant seeds that, if tended to, will continue to grow toward healing and healthier mindsets.

Changing the dialogue around colorism and fat shaming in your family and friends is important to break the chains of toxic intergenerational messages. Here are a few tips:

1. Begin with your internal dialogues around and self-talk about your physical appearance. Do you dwell on your skin color and your weight? What are the messages you give yourself? How does this impact your self-esteem and self-worth?
2. Where did these messages come from? Does this impact how you view others?
3. Notice conversations your family and/or friends have about someone’s complexion or body. Use kind but firm statements to help them see how and why this is not okay, without using escalating or accusatory statements. Try saying, “That’s actually not okay to say and is called body shaming/colorism. There are many reasons why it’s wrong, but the simplest is that it can really hurt someone.”