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Key points
- Fear can be powerful, vulnerability is hard, and pain can be debilitating. They are often feelings we try to avoid.
- Your mind continuously churns out words, sentences, stories, images, memories, commentary, judgments, and predictions.
- To reduce avoidant behavior, you can act in opposition to what your mind tells you to do and treat your thoughts as something separate from you.
In recent contributions here, we’ve been urging you to stop avoiding stuff. Stop avoiding fear, stop avoiding vulnerability, stop avoiding pain. Stop living a life so focused on controlling these “negative” feelings that it has lost all of its richness and vitality.
That’s easier said than done. Fear can be powerful, vulnerability is hard, and pain can be debilitating.
One of the things that make facing these experiences so tricky is that when you move toward them, your mind gets really busy. It says, “something bad is going to happen,” “will people see the real me and reject me?” “I can’t stand this pain,” and other not-so-nice things.
But there is a strategy you can use to defang these experiences and make them a little less powerful and a lot less prone to taking charge of your actions.
What If You Are Not Your Thoughts?
You are not your thoughts. Wait… what?
Your mind spits out words, sentences, stories, images, memories, commentary, judgments, and predictions all day long, and this stuff captures most of your attention. So it can easily feel like this is the sum of who you are. But what your mind says is not the whole story. Try this experiment. (No, really, try it right now.)
Close your eyes and listen to the sounds around you for about thirty seconds. Afterward, open your eyes and read the next sentence. (Don’t peek!)
Notice the difference between the sounds you are hearing and you, the one doing the listening.
Got it? There’s you, and then there are the sounds—two separate things.
Next, slowly take in all the shapes, colors, and textures in your visual field. See if you can observe them as if for the first time—see things you may not have noticed before, even if you are in a familiar setting. Do this for about thirty seconds. Afterward, look down and read the next sentence.
Notice the difference between what you are seeing and you, the person who is doing the seeing.
See what we’re doing here? There’s you, and there’s what you see—two separate things. Obvious, right? Okay, here’s where it gets a little more interesting.
Turn your attention to the sensations in your body where it makes contact with whatever you’re sitting on. Notice the feelings of touch or pressure where your legs and back make contact with the surfaces they are resting against. Now notice the feeling of your feet inside your socks or shoes. Continue doing this for the next thirty seconds or so. Afterward, read the next sentence.
Notice the difference between the sensations you are feeling and you, the one doing the feeling. There’s you, and then there’s what you’re feeling—two separate things.
If this seems a little counterintuitive, stay with us—it’ll be worth it.
Close your eyes for about thirty seconds and just watch what shows up in your mind. If it helps, imagine sitting in a movie theater and watching your thoughts on the screen in front of you. If you notice yourself getting pulled into the thoughts, step back again and just watch. Afterward, open your eyes and read the next sentence.
Notice the difference between your thoughts and you, the one who is watching them. There’s you, and then there’s what you’re watching—two separate things.
What’s Going On Here?
Sure, it’s easy to see a difference between you and what you hear and see. These are clearly separate things, right? But what about thoughts and feelings? A caveat: “You are not your thoughts” is not a scientific claim. “What is the self?” and different versions of “Who am I?” are questions that will continue to entertain academic and armchair philosophers for millennia to come.
What we’re offering is a very useful perspective, one in which you can look at your thoughts (and everything else you experience inside you) as if you would look at something across the room. From this perspective, you are not your thoughts. They are simply experiences you have. They are a part of you, but not the sum of you. And having this perspective gives you a whole lot of freedom to do new things.
A New Kind of Freedom
Think of an old, painful thought that tends to show up for you, something like I can’t trust anyone, People will just let you down, I’ll never be good enough, or I’m different from other people. What if you could watch that thought when it shows up, simply notice it the way you might watch a car going by on the street?
And what if you took the perspective that that thought was not you, but rather was something you experience—something that shows up but is not any different, at its core, than a thought like Maybe I’ll have a cheese sandwich for lunch. Whatever thoughts are made of, this old painful thought is made of the same stuff. It just happens to be a painful version of Maybe I’ll have a cheese sandwich for lunch.
If you can “watch” your thoughts and take the perspective that you are not your thoughts, so many things become possible. You can have a thought and:
- Not listen to it.
- Do the opposite of what it implies.
- Notice it for what it is: a habitual behavior of your mind.
Try this: think, I cannot lift my arms above my head, and while you do this, actually raise your arms above your head (if you are physically capable). Now try this: think, I cannot stand on one leg, and while you think this (again, if you are able), stand on one leg. Notice that the connection between thinking and doing is illusory. We can easily think about one thing and do another.
That means you could think I think I’ll just bail on this party and still go to the party. You can think I can’t trust anyone and then take the next small step toward trusting someone you love. Your mind is not in charge. You are!
Teeny Tiny Practice: Getting Distance From Your Thoughts
Set a timer or something else that will catch your attention throughout the day. When the timer goes off, pause a moment and notice what you have been thinking.
As you do this, imagine yourself watching the thoughts as if from a distance. Don’t try to change them; don’t try to make them go away. Just watch them. Notice the difference (and distance) between yourself and the thought. Remind yourself that you are not the thought. Then go back to whatever you’re doing.
Then, when you find yourself having a difficult moment—especially when you have the urge to avoid—do the same thing: pause a moment and notice what you’re thinking. Imagine yourself watching the thoughts as if from a distance. Notice the difference (and distance) between yourself and the thought. Remind yourself that you are not the thought. It is just something you experience, and it doesn’t have to be in control. Then do the next thing you would do if the thought weren’t running your life, but instead, you were following what is deeply important to you.
This takes practice. So don’t give up if it turns out to be kind of tricky. It might help if you start by noticing the difference between yourself and sounds, yourself and sights, and then yourself and thoughts, just as we did in this chapter. As you move forward toward reducing avoidance, facing your fears, and building a meaningful life, this skill is going to come in handy.
Portions of this text are adapted from Stop Avoiding Stuff: 25 Microskills to Face Your Fears and Do It Anyway by the authors.
