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The frenzy I am talking about here is parental anxiety. The anxiety so many parents feel surrounding feeding their kids. I get so many inquiries—mostly concerning picky eaters or kids who don't eat a lot of a varied menu
—that I have started to really wonder at the epidemic nature of this worry.
Obviously, if there are any medical problems, that is the most important priority. This is the piece I always attend to first: Is your child OK medically, and are they truly getting enough nutrition? For the most part, probably 99 percent of the time, the answer is yes. Yes, they are OK medically, they are on their growth curve, their pediatricians are not concerned, they have energy, and they are thriving.
When there is no medical issue, it makes me wonder why the persistent worry continues. It usually doesn't matter how much I reassure parents that their child is eating a good range of foods from the food groups that they need on a one-to-two-week basis: The nagging worry persists. So, I always ask myself: Is this an issue between the parents? For example, Does one parent feel that the other is too 'loose' in parenting and it comes out in feeding? Is this really about parents arguing about limit-setting with kids, which can always emerge around food?
Is it possibly a 'mom' or the main ‘caretaker parental role’ issue? If a parent quits their full-time job and becomes solely focused on the job as parent, and particularly the nurturing aspects of that role, are they possibly judging themselves too critically if their child doesn't want to eat the food they carefully prepare?
I think the issues vary. Food is a huge cultural issue and is a wonderful way to bond and connect. Food as love, is frequently a theme individuals say they have been raised with, a feeling of needing to eat to please and make others happy. Aside from any cultural issues, or ‘tape loops’ (attitudes that we all have that are baked into how we were raised in terms of our beliefs and attitudes around food), there is no doubt that it is really important for us as parents to figure out the central issues and to pick our battles if we find ourselves often fighting with our kids or, equally important, stressing ourselves out!
So, I always say that the most important thing is to always figure out "What is the problem?" and "Whose problem is it?" Then you can start figuring out what to do.
I am not saying this to be judgy, but to free us from overly focusing on the tyranny of parenting-as-profession, which seems to be the trend these days. Particularly around food. Not every child is going to be an 'artisanal eater'; many will only want to eat peanut butter sandwiches, or pizza for a few years. Maybe even until they are 13.
So here go some tips:
- Figure out if your child is in physical danger and whether their nutrition is truly compromised. (Medical judgement call according to their pediatrician.) If not, don't let them hold you hostage in the kitchen so that there is any secondary gain to their picky eating. Let them pick something nutritious that they can get from the fridge themselves or heat up themselves easily. Let them pick it out in the grocery store and if they refuse to eat what is being served, they are on their own. This can start as young at 4 years old.
- Notice if you are getting coerced by your fears of them not eating and being hungry, to alter limit setting. Try not to offer up your fear of their hunger to allow you to be manipulated. They won’t starve themselves and if they go to be hungry you can have a matter of fact “I guess you’ll eat more tomorrow then!”, attitude.
- Do not let them tyrannize you or split you up as a parental team. Take the focus off the food and spend a nice dinner time connecting and chatting about other things.
More often than not, kids grow out of these habits, and some don't. Haven't you ever met an adult who is a picky eater, and yet totally healthy?
That being said, It is important to access early intervention if your child is under eating and so picky that they are falling off their growth curve consistently, and are malnourished. If this is going on it will be vital to get professional help to address the problems which are absolutely able to be helped. Additionally, sensory integration issues, can lead to oral motor problems with chewing that can lead to a child’s difficulty with food. These are two main areas that, again, can be helped dramatically with intervention.
Raising kids is challenging, and feeding them is a way we love and nurture. Stressing out about your child’s eating and their habits is no fun. I hope to take some of the frenzy out of feeding your kids.
Happy eating!
