Verified by 
A few weeks ago there was an article in The New York Times about boredom and how important it is in parenting.
I’ve been writing and preaching about this for years, and included this in my parenting book on preventing childhood and teen eating problems, so I was thrilled to see this article recently. I think too little attention is paid the virtues and benefits of boredom. How vital it is for parents to allow their children to experience this state, rather than jump in and try to ‘fix’ it at the first cry. I’ve practiced in the past a calm response to the plaintive wail: “I’m bored!” with: “Terrific!” (And turn away.) More often than not, a few minutes later, my kids would be off and running totally in some imaginative play that created in their own mind.
Now I don’t mean to sound holier than thou, as I am well aware of the pressures parents feel. The worries and feelings of responsibility that come with parenting in this hyper-competitive world. Many folks who consult with me struggle with overwhelming feelings of anxiety to offer their child every opportunity to advance and develop skills to help them succeed. Unwittingly though we can rob our children of the ability to learn to wait, calm themselves down, and settle down inside themselves to even know how they are feeling physically, emotionally, and have the inner space to let their minds roam, and for their creativity to unfold, if we don’t LET THEM BE BORED.
One therapist I had seen many years ago said this to me: “If we are never bored, we can never know ourselves.”
How true this is. Without the ability to learn how to sit without any outside stimulation distracting the mind, there is no ability to learn how to notice the more subtle nuances of physical feelings like hunger, fullness, fatigue, energy, and as well, emotions. Emotions are also felt in the body, not just the mind. If we are always vulnerable to our child’s demands to entertain and stimulate them, and if in turn, we have an attitude toward boredom that conveys to our kids that this is a ‘bad’ state, we rob this interoceptive awareness. (A fancy term for knowing how one feels from the inside, physically and emotionally). Without this key psychological strength, a person is more vulnerable to having difficulty making decisions, as it is one of the components to predict how one might feel given this choice vs. that choice. Even decisions as simple what, when and how much to eat. (Okay, maybe not so simple!) or how one might feel given this outcome vs. another and how to weight those options and consequences. Key components in decision making.
So rather than thinking that it is your job to help your child NOT be bored, how about if we change the script with a ‘matter of fact’: “Awesome! What a great opportunity to hang still and sit with yourself!” These are the skills you will be helping them to build:
Waiting: Learning how to WAIT is one of the most useful psychological tools we can help our child develop. It helps in delaying gratification which rewards them in all sorts of ways. There are countless studies showing that kids who are able to postpone gratification and tolerate waiting, do better. (I certainly don't mean to minimize the myriad of other variables, of course, that are involved in success. But frustration tolerance which can be improved through learning to wait via opportunities to 'be bored', is very important.
Interoceptive Awareness: This is basically the head’s ability to connect with what the body is feeling. We don’t want our kids to have to be fainting with hunger before they decide to eat, nor do we want them to be completely stuffed before stopping. Tuning into the more subtle nuances of that signal from the body takes skill training for some; how many adults do you know (myself included!) eat at times from total boredom! Knowing how much to push oneself physically or take a break, to take emotional risks, knowing oneself. It is keyed from the anchor of interoceptive awareness.
The skill of independence, vs. reliance on outside stimulation: In this day and age of constant access to phones and connectivity with others, it is even more vital to afford our kids time to sit still, go inside themselves and begin to know what they are noticing and feeling.
In the quiet space of ‘boredom’, kids are freed from distractions. Especially when young, they’re extremely creative and have a wealth of ideas with which to engage themselves, if we get out of the way. Let’s not miss an important point, which is that children are very good at discovering the world and stimulating themselves. Young kids, particularly babies and toddlers are often so involved in their worlds, that they are never bored. Let’s help them preserve that wonder and wealth that is inside of them. We can get out of the way.
