How to Upgrade Your Life and Success Through Relationships

According to the Self-Expansion Model, a person's "efficacy," which is their ability to produce results, is based on their relationships. No one has innate or self-contained potential. Our potential as human beings is contextual and relational. "Efficacy" is based on the resources a person can put toward their goals, and resources come through relationships. Those "resources" could be financial, informational, encouragement, networks, etc.

From my perspective, this theory is really solid and practical. I've experienced it many times in my life. When my wife Lauren and I became foster parents of three children, I could see that their potential immediately changed. In their former context, they were neglected children. Their parents were on drugs, didn't take them to school, and they sat in front of a television all day. When they came into our care, they immediately had access to our resources--which included not only our own ideals, perspectives, education, experiences, money, etc. but that of our extended families. Immediately, our kids had access to tutors to help them catch up in school. They were on sports teams with friends and coaches. They were in a different neighborhood with different neighbors to hang out with.

We also traveled throughout the country with these kids to expose them to new worlds. Before coming into our care, these kids had never been more than 100 miles from their home. They hadn't been exposed to much, and therefore, they couldn't imagine much for themselves. The late fine-dining chef, Charlie Trotter, was famous for bringing homeless children into his extremely nice restaurant and feeding them for free. He was highly criticized for doing this, as people thought he was creating unrealistic expectations for the children. But from Trotter's perspective, he was showing them a new world so they could have new goals. He was a creating a subconscious-enhancing experience for these kids, and would regularly get letters from them saying he changed their lives and aspirations.

When I was first starting out as a professional writer, I joined the exclusive marketing mastermind group, Genius Network, run by Joe Polish, whom many believe to be one of the most connected men in business. By joining Genius Network, I had immediate access to the resources of the group. My potential efficacy immediately upgraded. I say "potential" because, again, efficacy is contextual and relational, not innate. By having access to the resources of the group (which is the very purpose of such groups), my knowledge, mindsets, and goals changed. I was like the young kids in Trotter's restaurant, exposed to a whole new world my former self had little to no awareness of.

Exposing yourself to new networks and new environments are how you expand as a person. In some ways, we are all like the children in Trotter's famous restaurant. We don't know what we don't know. We need new experiences to shatter our former views and expectations. Indeed, in positive psychology, the concept prospection, explains that as human beings, our view of the future largely shapes how we operate in the present. The more "conscious" we become, the more flexible and imaginative are the futures we create.

Develop A "Transformational" Mindset (Not A "Transactional" One)

Interestingly, though, just being in such environments is not enough to transform through those environments. According to Harvard psychologist, Robert Kegan, the self-transforming mind is different from the self-authoring mind. The self-authoring mind reflects the old-school way of building a network. It’s all about you, you, you. Your agenda is center stage in your mind. You are lazy in how you develop relationships. You’re focused on the quick win. You see people as a means to your end. Unfortunately, this doesn’t really work. At least among high-level and socially conscious people.

Rather than being individualistic and competitive, the self-transforming mind is more relational and collaborative. When at this higher level, you engage in collaborative relationships for the sake of transformation. All parties have their own perspectives, beliefs, and agendas. Yet they come together for the purpose of having their own perspectives, and even their own identities and sense of self expanded. The whole becomes new and different from the sum of all parts. Through collaboration, striving, growth, and connection, people can and do change. They can evolve in ways far beyond what is possible through individualistic pursuits.

In order to engage in transformational relationships, all involved parties must individually be psychologically evolved to the self-transforming level—which, from Kegan’s perspective, is less than 10% of individuals and organizations.

Transformational relationships, as opposed to transactional ones, are engaged in for the purpose of service, giving, connection, and growth. They generally don’t start with a specific agenda. Instead, they start with curiosity, interest, and genuine service without expectation. All parties are givers far more than takers. There is an openness to novelty and change. Rather than viewing people or services in a transactional mindset as a cost, everything is viewed as an investment, with the possibility of 10X, 100X, or bigger returns and change.

Apply The 80/20 Rule To Relationships

The 80/20 rule is an economic principle explaining that 80% of effects are explained by 20% of causes. Put another way, 80% or results occur through 20% of actions. This is also true of relationships: 20% of your relationships are producing 80% or more of your desired outcomes. An obvious problem is that most our of time is spent on the 80% of activities or people that aren't moving our happiness or success forward. We're not investing our energy in the right place.

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In the book, The 80/20 Principle, Richard Koch explains that each person only has the capacity to go "deep" in relationships with less than 15 people. In other words, less than 15 people in each person's life constitute the "20%" which produces most of the positive outcomes. In order to apply the 80/20 rule, you want to focus your time, energy, and service on the "vital few" over the "trivial many."

This is something I've further learned from Joe Polish. He's taught me to go deep in my relationships and to always focus on service. Rather than spreading yourself thin and trying to be everything for everyone, you want to be what Dr. Adam Grant calls a "giver" for the 20% of people in your life that really matter.

Conclusion

Who are the 15 most important people in your life?

How much of your energy and time do you invest in nurturing those relationships?

Who are the people you want to develop relationships with, from a Self Expansion Model perspective?

Who are the people you want to create transformational relationships with?