I'm Upset—So Why Am I Comforting You?

Janie has been the default parent ever since having kids. Whenever one of her children is sick at school, it’s she who leaves work to pick them up. If her husband Jake gets stuck at work late, Janie cancels her own plans to make sure the house runs smoothly. The burden is constant, and she’s exhausted. Yet, every time she brings this up with Jake, nothing changes. Tonight, Janie is looking forward to a rare break. She’s planned a trip to New York to visit her cousin, something she’s been anticipating for weeks.

Prior to leaving, she has made sure everything is set up so Jake can handle the evening without her—dinner is prepped, bedtime routines are organized, and she’s carefully timed her train departure for an hour after Jake is supposed to get home. As the time to leave draws near, Jake is still nowhere to be seen. Janie checks her phone and sees a missed text message: “Aaron called me into a meeting, so I’m going to be late.”

Immediately, Janie realizes what this means—Jake isn’t going to make it home in time, and her trip is effectively canceled. She feels a wave of frustration and disappointment. Holding back tears, she chooses not to respond to his message, instead texting her cousin that the trip is off. Resigned to her fate, she goes upstairs and changes into her pajamas. When Jake finally gets home, he notices she’s upset, but instead of offering comfort, he says, “What’s wrong with you? I can’t help it if Aaron makes me stay late.”

Janie tries to express her disappointment, but Jake cuts her off. He launches into a tirade about how hard his day has been, how he’s tired of working all the time, and how he never gets any breaks. He’s frustrated that she’s upset about missing a trip, while he’s constantly “stuck at work.” Jake’s feelings take center stage, and Janie finds herself listening, empathizing, and soothing him, even though she’s the one who was initially upset. By the end of the conversation, Jake feels better, while Janie is left with her own feelings unaddressed. She goes to bed and, lying there, it hits her: "I was the one who was upset—so why did I end up comforting him?"

This moment of realization is a turning point for Janie. She starts to see a pattern in their relationship. Whenever she is upset, the conversation quickly turns to Jake’s problems, and she ends up comforting him instead of receiving support. It’s exhausting, and it leaves her feeling unheard and isolated. Their dynamic is not uncommon. Many relationships—between partners, friends, siblings, or parents and children—fall into this pattern. One person, like Jake, becomes defensive and dominates the emotional space, while the other person, like Janie, never gets the chance to have their feelings truly heard.

It’s a dynamic that stifles intimacy and leaves one person feeling emotionally depleted. So, what can Janie do in the face of Jake’s defensiveness and lack of empathy? Breaking this pattern is difficult but not impossible. Here are some strategies Janie can use:

1. Redirect the conversation: Instead of allowing Jake’s stress to take over the conversation, Janie can say, “I know you’re stressed at work, but right now I need to talk about what’s upsetting me. Can we focus on that, and we can discuss your work stress later?”

2. Set Boundaries: Janie can express her need to be heard by setting a boundary, such as, “I’ve noticed that when I bring up what’s bothering me, the conversation quickly shifts to something else. If we’re going to continue talking, I need you to hear me out.”

3. Hold Limits: If Jake continues to dismiss her feelings, Janie can choose to step away from the conversation. “If you’re not able to listen to me right now, I’m going to end this conversation,” she could say, letting Jake know she won’t continue to engage unless her feelings are acknowledged.

4. Plan ahead for difficult conversations: Janie might also try talking to Jake during a calm moment, laying out what she’s noticed about their interactions and what she needs moving forward. She can approach the conversation gently but firmly, starting with phrases like, “I’ve noticed that when I bring up issues, I don’t get the chance to finish sharing my thoughts. I feel really alone in those moments, and I need to be heard.”

5. Accept reality and seek outside help: If these patterns persist despite Janie’s efforts, she might need to confront the reality that Jake lacks the emotional skills to support her. In that case, she could consider letting him know that their relationship is in trouble and that they need professional help to move forward. Jake’s defensiveness and inability to provide emotional support might stem from various underlying issues from narcissism to, to stress management deficits to lack of communication skills.