The (Not So) Secret to Life: Invest in Others

Some people think life is hard to figure out. I disagree. There are not-so-secret secrets to a successful life— selflessness, seeing others are who they can become, humility, laughter, taking responsibility, and telling others you love them.

Be Selfless

"Your life is not only about you; it is also about everyone else whose lives you touch." This is an expression I like. Everyone's success is a team effort. Even if you think you did it yourself, there were lots of people supporting and backing you. Maybe it was your partner giving you words of encouragement, your employees helping you with critical tasks, or your friends listening to and giving you feedback. We are social creatures; the idea of someone succeeding alone is highly improbable. When you succeed, share the credit with all the people who helped you. When you do that, these people will feel empowered to succeed as well; and they will want to keep empowering you.

Similarly, when someone else has a chance to succeed, empower them. Listen to them and comment on their ideas. Give suggestions to help them refine their plans. Offer to help and increase their likelihood for success. When someone does succeed, shower them with praise and appreciation. Share in their celebration and glory. Again, every accomplishment is a team accomplishment.

Seeing Others as Who They Can Become

When I was a 19-year-old undergraduate student at Florida State University, I met Richard (Dick) Dunham, who would become my first academic mentor. Dick saw in me what I did not yet see in myself; someone with potential as a researcher and scholar. He continued to nurture that vision until I began to wake up and become the person he knew I could become. That took more than two years, and Dick easily could have given up on me. I had a student of my own who had experienced a similar awakening. She was a diamond in the rough when I met her several years ago. But like Dick, I knew she would eventually justify my faith in her. This past March, she defended her dissertation.

Had Dick looked at me so many years ago and seen only who I was at that time, I likely would not be where I am now. Likewise for my former student who is now a post-doctoral fellow. See others as who they could become, and then give them credit for realizing their potential.

Have Humility

Our accomplishments belong not only to us but to those around us as well; we should be humble and share the credit and rewards. In Game 1 of the 2024 National Hockey League Stanley Cup Finals, Florida Panthers goaltender Sergei Bobrovsky was the best player in the game; he did not allow a goal and stopped more than twice as many shots as his own team attempted. But Bobrovsky gave credit to his teammates and said that they put him in a position to win. No single player ever wins a game in a team sport, regardless of how well they play. Many players have had excellent games where their team lost.

Similarly, news anchors often thank and acknowledge the people who work behind the scenes to help the news anchor succeed. Authors spend pages and pages acknowledging the editors, friends, and family members who helped them complete their books. Everyone who succeeds stands on the shoulders of others.

Value Relationships

I remember attending a seminar more than 30 years ago where the speaker, a practicing family therapist, shared the life philosophy that guided his work with his clients. "Would you rather be right or be close?" Being right means very little in relationships with others. When you are in a disagreement, conflict, or argument with someone and you insist that you are right, you are making the other person wrong. In his most recent book, Dr. Phil McGraw distinguishes between winning arguments and solving problems. If you win an argument with someone close to you, that means the other person lost. What have you won? Will the other person bow down and acknowledge your victory? Even if they do, will it improve your relationship with that person?

Even if you know in your heart that you are right, allow the other person to save face. Make your points gently and kindly. Being right means very little in relationships. (That and a dollar will buy you a coffee down the street.) Act in a way that will strengthen the relationship, which is most likely what you ultimately want anyway. People who are always right generally have few friends.

Laugh Often

Laughter is medicine. Our bodies respond biologically to laughter. Saying funny things and making others laugh makes them want to be around you. Self-deprecating humor, in particular, is disarming because it signals to others that you don't take yourself too seriously. When you laugh at yourself, others will laugh with you, and they will let their guard down.

My wife and I have been together for 26 years and married for 24, and a lot of our success boils down to laughter. We laugh together all the time. Our kids laugh with us. We rarely have a boring moment in our household, and we enjoy being around one another. We have not had a serious argument in more than five years. We are too busy laughing.

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Take Responsibility

How many times does something go wrong but no one seems to be responsible for it? The last cookie was eaten but no one admits having eaten it. The car is out of gas but no one admits driving it but forgetting to fill it up. A project wasn't finished but everyone says it wasn't their fault.

It costs you nothing to accept responsibility. Even if it wasn't completely your fault, accepting responsibility often leads others to do the same. Once you have said "Sorry, folks, my bad," others will likely chime in with their own statements of accountability. Criticizing yourself may open the door for others to think about how they may have contributed to the problem. And since you are not accusing anyone of anything, others will not become defensive.

If you did something wrong, apologize. It doesn't matter whether the other person accepts your apology. You have accepted accountability. Often that is the best you can do.

Tell Others You Love Them

Love comes in many different forms. Romantic partners love each other, friends love each other, family members love each other, and teammates and colleagues love each other. Telling someone you love them is not always romantic, in many cases, it is not.

"I love you" is a scary phrase for many people, but it doesn't have to be. I tell my wife, my children, my friends, my colleagues, and even my students that I love them. That phrase can be translated to: "You are important and valuable to me, and I care about you." Everyone wants to know they are loved, not only by their partner but by many other people in their lives. It costs you nothing to say that, and it doesn't matter whether the other person says it back. When your life is close to ending, you will be happy that you told others you love them.

The steps I am suggesting here cost you nothing, and they bring huge rewards for others and yourself. The world would be a much happier place if more people tried these things.