How to Attract and Maintain “True Love”

So much of the advice that magazines and websites provide us about suggestions for increasing our sex appeal or finding “the right one” focuses on how we need to re-make ourselves to be more attractive or more desirable to others.

Whether we are being encouraged to learn about the “5 Things Men Want Most in Bed” or “5 Things You Can Do to Please your Woman” or “Why Men Like Long Hair” or to follow the advice of any of a countless other number of “self-help” articles, the messages being broadcast simply underscore the metamessage that it is something about us – personality, appearance, techniques, etc. – is broken. It's us, not the people who are not attracted to us, that need a little work.

While it is true that few of us naturally embody the persona of the “perfect mate,” as defined by the media or the popular press, the wholesale overhauls that are being recommended by marketers of self-improvement programs. internet sites. or magazines at the check-out line may be a little more costly to our self-esteem than we would prefer. A recent study suggested that only 1 out of 7 of us are pleased with our bodies; between airbrushing and silicone injecting, there is apparently more that we should be doing to make the grade or woo a partner.

Just Smile

It’s been shown that women who smile are likely to be viewed as more sexually attractive to men than women who display expressions indicating pride, shame, or neutrality. From their earliest years, girls are encouraged to “smile for the camera,” and it appears that this directive is likely to be based in cultural norms. Men prefer women who look happy. However, the same study that revealed that smiling was a plus for women seeking men's approval, it was found that happy-faced men were less attractive to women than those who wore expressions denoting pride or shame.

There is clearly a gender-based division in the assessment of attractiveness, men prefer women who look happy to be with them while women prefer men who are showing more complex emotional expressions. Whether a woman is looking for the “bad boy” who is asking for forgiveness for his actions or a man who feels good about himself, a bland smile or pleasant expression was clearly a losing choice in the competition. However, in terms of long-term relationship success, most of us want to partner up with a person who experiences happiness and life satisfaction in the same chronological arc that we do. If your smiling partner is laughing at the life events that you find heart wrenching or is showing pride in being hurtful, the relationship is unlikely to last for long. First impressions matter, but it's important to move beyond the facial expressions and listen to your heart and trust your instincts when it comes to early interactions.

Be Interested or Interesting?

We are often told to “be interested” in the stories of potential romantic partners. Well, what if you flip that advice and work at being interesting, yourself? What if you re-think your own value as an individual and focus on doing things in your life that are engaging and interesting rather than simply feigning interest in another? It can be exhausting to try and be riveted by another person’s singular interest in pre-WWII science fiction, especially when you aren’t sure if Isaac Asimov and Jules Verne were fictional characters, scientists, or writers. However, the science fiction enthusiast might be exactly perfect for someone with similar entertainment preferences, thus raising their popularity and engagement potential due to a change in audience, not personal tastes. And being excited about something that interests you can make you even more charismatic and engaging to the right person.

Be Mindful

True and lasting love and romantic satisfaction can also be supported and enhanced through a personal mindfulness practice. Taking time to be present, to reflect and be still before reacting to events, and to be comfortable being in contemplation all support long-term relationship satisfaction.

Accept Yourself – Body, Mind, and Soul

In addition, the more satisfaction we take in our physical appearance, the higher the level of sexual satisfaction we take in our long-term relationships. Researchers have found that body esteem is related to frequency of lovemaking as well as satisfaction with the sexual relationship. The best lovemaking really does happen when you are able to first love yourself. It’s one of those old sayings that is based in truth, you cannot love another until you love yourself.

Your Eye won't Wander if you've Found the Right One?

It’s an interesting revelation that people are able to "program themselves" to avoid relationship threats from potential sexual partners who are not their romantic partner. Studies indicate that the more likely it is that your own partner is judged as attractive to other rivals for his affection, the easier it is for you to ignore potential rivals for your own attention. When we have the best catch, we are programmed to keep our eyes and hearts trained on him, not other less “in demand” potential mates. So, if you find yourself ignoring individuals that would have caught your eye before, it may be that on a deep level, you know you’ve hit your personal romantic jackpot. Trust your instincts and attend to the person with whom you are building a relationship.

Is “True Love” a Reality?

Not everyone in this life will actually find “true love,” as their expectations of this idealized relationship state may differ from what the reality actually can be. True love reflects the ability to weather relationship challenges, life’s obstacles, and personal idiosyncrasies over time. The saying that the “course of true love never runs smooth” doesn’t mean that a couple has to expect fights, clashes of will, and arguments if they are in love. The saying is simply an acknowledgement that relationships may face challenges from multiple directions. It’s the ability to hang together and keep the relationship propelled forward that indicates lasting connection and commitment. Remember that valuing yourself and all that you bring to a relationship is the key to finding the kind of true love that lasts.

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References

Barnes, S., Brown, K. W., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W. K., & Rogge, R. D. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33, 482-500.

Meltzer, A. L., & McNulty, J. K. (2010). Body image and marital satisfaction: Evidence for the mediating role of sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction. Journal of Family Psychology, 24, 156-164.

Tracy, J. L., & Beall, A. T. (2011). Happy guys finish last: The impact of emotion expressions on sexual attraction. Emotion, 11, 1379-1387.