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Key points
- Curiosity is linked to less aggressive responses, giving time for more productive ones.
- Research shows that curiosity correlates with greater levels of intimacy even in minor interactions.
- Curiosity opens us to others' perspectives.
"Be curious, not judgmental." —Walt Whitman
The rainbow of human relationships is endless. We have friendships, siblings, partners, children, parents, and infinite other links. Each tie we share with another person is as unique as a thumbprint. Some are close, while others are strained or even estranged. Few strategies would be relevant across the spectrum.
To a degree, this is true.
Yet, the two tools outlined in the above Walt Whitman quote can benefit almost any relationship.
Enhancing Curiosity
When it comes to communication strategies, most people think of things like setting boundaries, listening, and negotiating. Still, curiosity may underlie success in these endeavors as the master strategy for connecting with others. Curiosity is the gateway to effectively understanding others and enhances performance in almost any social endeavor.
Research by Todd Kashdan and colleagues has shown that curiosity correlates with less interpersonal aggression (2013). It allows us to hear each other before making assumptions or drawing conclusions.
The trait also opens us to gather what we and others may be thinking or feeling at any given moment (Drozek, 2018), a phenomenon known as mentalization, which is essential when relating to others.
Another study by Kashdan and colleagues of college students found that more curious participants felt closer to others in intimate interactions and small talk (2011). Curiosity opens us up to new relationships and allows us to get closer to each other.
Even in relationships where most interactions have been hostile, curiosity may allow us to respond more effectively. Often, in these interactions, it is tricky for individuals to imagine why each other is acting how they are. We might think they are irrational or being jerks without reflecting too deeply on their reasoning.
Still, information may be critical to a successful interaction.
For those wishing to build curiosity, the process can begin with steps as small as asking a question about someone's tattoo, taking an extra moment to listen to someone's stories, or getting a sense of another person's stance before rejecting it.
Suspending Judgment
It is tempting to get locked in our judgments. We might think that someone is not worth trying to befriend before taking the opportunity to get to know them. Similarly, we can use shorthand labels about others to define them. Even knowing someone's profession can lead us to jump to conclusions.
Picture a plumber. Now, picture a teacher. Do you have specific images in mind? Do you have guesses about who these people are, their hobbies, or whether they are someone you could relate to?
Sometimes, these ideas can help us find things we have in common. More often, however, judgments can impede us.
Judging is sometimes automatic. Instead, a strategy can be suspending those judgments and preconceptions, and exploring anyway.
In Closing
Through curiosity and letting go of judgments, we give ourselves the best chance to relate effectively to each other.
Facebook image: SmartPhotoLab/Shutterstock
References
Drozek, R. P. (2018). Stimulating Reflection and Curiosity. Borderline Personality Disorder: A Case-Based Approach, 11-23.
Gallagher, M. W., & Lopez, S. J. (2007). Curiosity and well-being. The journal of positive psychology, 2(4), 236-248.
Kashdan, T. B., DeWall, C. N., Pond, R. S., Silvia, P. J., Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., & Keller, P. S. (2013). Curiosity protects against interpersonal aggression: Cross‐sectional, daily process, and behavioral evidence. Journal of Personality, 81(1), 87-102.
Kashdan, T. B., McKnight, P. E., Fincham, F. D., & Rose, P. (2011). When curiosity breeds intimacy: Taking advantage of intimacy opportunities and transforming boring conversations. Journal of personality, 79(6), 1369-1402.
