How to Tell Adult Children About a Separation or Divorce

You are reading this article because you care about doing your best for your children. Allow yourself not to be perfect. No one is.

1. Schedule a time to speak with your children, preferably in person.

Siblings need a support system that they can provide to each other. When you schedule the time to talk, tell them you have something important to discuss with them and assure them that no one is sick or dying. If they ask you what you want to talk about, tell them you prefer to discuss it in person. If it isn't possible to speak in person due to residing long distances apart, schedule a time to talk via Zoom, FaceTime, or another video platform.

Avoid telling them via telephone, email, or text. It is too impersonal. Divorce is a major life crisis for all family members. Children who were adults when their parents divorced consistently report that the news of their parents' divorce "rocked the very foundation" of their world!

2. Plan what you will say to your children.

Make some notes and review them to be familiar with what you intend to say. Anticipate what your children may say and ask you. You can have the notes in front of you and say, "We have made some notes because what we are going to be talking about is very important for all of us, and we don't want to forget anything."

Remember that your children will likely be in shock after you tell them your intentions to separate and end your marriage. They will not be able to absorb everything you say this first time. Be prepared to have the same conversation with them numerous times. Their shock and grieving will interfere with fully taking in all you are sharing.

3. Tell them that the two of you have decided to end your marriage because you have problems that you have tried to resolve and haven't been able to.

(If this is true.) Avoid using the word "divorce" because it is laden with negative connotations.

4. Tell them it is not their fault.

Also, kindly emphasize that there is nothing they can do to prevent it.

5. Avoid blaming each other.

Now is the time for you to present a united front with your children. Remember that this news will shatter their view of their family as they have known it. Blaming each other puts them in the middle of your pain and conflict and can cause them to experience divided loyalty, worry that they need to choose sides, and feel guilty for loving both of you.

Children who were adults when their parents divorced consistently reported that they hated their parents putting them in this position, and they felt each parent was attempting to form an alliance with them against the other parent.

6. Reassure them about the continuity of the family.

Emphasize that you are all still family, you will always be their parents, and you intend to be amicable so both of you can attend family gatherings and not create tension for them and their significant others. If they are still in college, tell them how you will continue the financial arrangements you have had in place.

Tell them if one of you intends to stay in the family home. Assure them that they will continue to have the emotional support of both parents in the newly restructured family.

7. Tell them what is going to be different.

Tell them if you intend to sell the family home. Tell them if you cannot continue the financial arrangements regarding college or other ways you have been helping them. If you have been assisting them in paying off college loans and can't continue doing so, tell them so. Assure them that you will do everything you can to help them financially while acknowledging that there will be some economic impact as the family restructures.

It's important to be neutral and factual. Resist being a victim or martyr. It will only make them feel guilty and maybe distance themselves from you.

8. Remember that you are still their parents.

It is your job to put their feelings above yours and provide them with the support they need to hear, feel, and understand. Acknowledge that you realize the announcement is a shock, and their feelings of anger, sadness, grief, and shock are natural. Focus on and be empathetic with their feelings. Reassure them of your continued love and care.

Don't talk about your feelings: for example, how you haven't been happy for years, how you deserve to be happy, etc. Having just received such painful news, they will be unable to express their happiness for you, and it is unreasonable for you to expect them to do so.

Remember, the news of your separation or divorce has rocked their familial foundation and rewritten their family history. They have become members of the "lost nest" generation. Their "family nest" to return to for the holidays has vanished.

9. Tell them that you still believe in family and hope they will, too.

It doesn't mean that they will be incapable of solid and happy relationships. Tell them you don't expect them to take care of you emotionally or physically. That is your job, not theirs. Say you have, or plan to have, your support system separate from them, and you want them to establish a support system for themselves as well.

For example, there are online groups for adult children whose parents are divorcing. Reading books like Home Will Never Be the Same Again: A Guide for Adult Children of Gray Divorce will help them realize they are not alone. Encourage them to seek additional emotional support from other sources.

10. Avoid telling them that you stayed together or delayed restructuring your family because of them.

They may feel guilty for your unhappy marriage. They will already be recalling their childhood memories and wondering, "What was real and what wasn't real? Were you really happy on those family vacations? Has my whole life been a sham?" Divorce destabilizes the family system and inevitably shakes every family member's perception of their past, present, and future.

11. Refuse to "bad mouth" the other parent.

Make it clear that you respect their right to have their relationship with each parent. You can support them by making it clear to your adult children, all family members, and family friends that your adult children have the right to refuse to participate in conversations that bash their other parent.

12. Help them decide how to respond to sensitive or intrusive questions.

Tell them that when anyone asks questions or wants to criticize you or their other parent, it's OK for them to say they prefer not to discuss it. Or, if others ask about your divorce, they can thank them for asking and say it is their parents' business and not their place to discuss it.

Another way to help is to tell your adult children to suggest that they direct the questions to you, their parents. Talk with your adult children to help them sort out their boundaries and what your family's boundaries are about sharing private information. Reassure them that they are only obligated to offer as much information as they choose.

13. Help them understand and create boundaries.

Your children have the right to their thoughts, feelings, and personal space, including their right to have relationships with each parent. As a parent, you can remind yourself and your children that both you and your divorcing spouse will always be their other parent and that their feelings about those relationships are uniquely theirs.

Support them in talking with family members and others about the boundary agreements they want going forward. You and your divorcing spouse could help by sending the same message to your siblings and parents and insisting they avoid pushing or encouraging your children to take sides.

14. Assure them that this will be a process that all of you will move through at your own pace and in your own way.

Reassure them that you will always love them and be there for them in whatever ways will be most helpful to them. You want them to know that they aren't alone so they don't become isolated and depressed.

15. Encourage them to discuss their feelings with a counselor, clergy, or therapist.

Tell them you have spoken with or intend to speak with a counselor as well because you have learned that for all family members, the end of a marriage is a significant life stressor, second only to the death of a loved one, and healing can occur for everyone going through this challenging life transition.

© 2024 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D., LMFT

Adapted from Home Will Never Be the Same Again: A Guide for Adult Children of Gray Divorce by Carol R. Hughes and Bruce R. Fredenburg.