9 Tips to Communicate More Assertively in Relationships

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This post was co-written by Arasteh Gatchpazian and Tchiki Davis.

Imagine you're on a tight deadline for a specific project (e.g., a school assignment or work task) and have a full plate. One of your close friends asks you to do a last-minute favor for her. You want to say no so that you stay on track, but you also don't want to come off as a bad friend. What would you do?

Perhaps you would yell at her for bothering you when you're so busy. Or maybe you assertively tell her that you'd love to help, but you just can't. Or maybe you say you'll do it, even knowing you'll be stressed and resentful. Each of these communication styles reflects our personality, but one of them is likely to help us feel the best in the longer term: the assertive style.

Assertive communication has been defined as "the ability to speak and interact in a manner that considers and respects the rights and opinions of others while also standing up for your rights, needs, and personal boundaries" (Pipas & Jaradat, 2010, pp. 649). It includes the following characteristics:

1. Direct eye contact: communicates that the person is not intimidated
2. Assertive posture: balance between looking too aggressive and too weak
3. The tone of voice: should be firm but not aggressive
4. Facial expression: important to not express anger or anxiety
5. Timing: the person must be socially aware to assertively communicate at the right time (e.g., asking for a raise in the middle of a business meeting is not great timing)
6. Clarity: using specific words that clearly communicate needs
7. Non-threatening: the person should not blame or threaten the other person
8. Positive: framing a request in a positive way is most effective
9. No criticism: although it might be tempting, it's important not to criticize yourself when trying to be assertive

Assertive communication is different from aggressive or passive communication. With passive communication, someone is usually scared about offending the other person. Aggressive communication makes the person overly loud, angry, or judgemental. Assertive communication is clear and confident, yet polite.

Assertive communication has several benefits (e.g., Pipas & Jaradat, 2010; Bishop, 2013), including greater self-confidence, improved social skills, and a greater sense of control. According to researchers, assertiveness can also be a "tool [used to make] your relationships more equal" (Alberti & Emmons, 2017, pp. 14).

Ways to Communicate More Assertively

• Make direct and clear requests.
• Speak up at the right time (instead of waiting and becoming frustrated).
• Speak privately with others when wanting to be assertive.
• Refrain from apologizing when requesting something.
• Practice role-playing to build assertive communication skills (e.g., Silverman, 2011; Kesten, 2011; Grey & Berry, 2004).

Ways to Communicate More Assertively in Relationships

• Reflect on your position in the relationship: Take back your power and reflect on what you deserve.
• Identify your wants and needs: Think about the changes you would like for a positive and successful relationship that will fulfill your needs.
• Respectfully communicate this to the other person: Use a calm, clear approach to share your needs.

​In Sum

Assertive communication can seem hard at first, but it is well worth taking steps to practice because it may result in better self-esteem, enhanced relationships, and fewer conflicts.

Adapted from an article on assertive communication published by The Berkeley Well-Being Institute.