Moms (Don't) Want to Do It All

I recently asked a close friend, Sarah, whether her husband felt satisfied in his new job after he’d previously complained that he didn’t get to take a break between this role and his previous one. My friend coldly replied: “His life is a break.”

I paused, aware that Sarah has three young children and managed the ever-growing mountain of invisible labor that comes with having a family. A compassionate and understanding person, she will go above and beyond to make her loved ones happy. Yet over time, and as the burdens of household chores have added up, leaving her little time to focus on herself, the love for her husband has morphed into a mixture of anger and disappointment.

Experiencing growing resentment in response to the lack of support from your spouse is the kind of added emotional pain that you just don’t need when you feel already overwhelmed with tasks. Focusing on how your partner plays video games while you tackle chores and childcare responsibilities will only enrage you and make tasks even harder. At the end of the day, you know you won’t send your child to kindergarten without a lunchbox—and so does your partner.

But this doesn’t mean that you have to just put up with the built-up of frustration. If you already expressed how you feel about the division of labor in your home but you struggle to notice any real change, you might want to look at how you set and reinforce your boundaries.

The Mental Health of Modern Mothers

Recent headlines draw attention to the rapid decline in mothers’ mental health since the start of the pandemic, including “Moms Are Not Okay: Pandemic Triples Anxiety and Depression Symptoms in New Mothers” (in Forbes) and “America’s Mothers Are in Crisis” (in the New York Times). The pandemic crystallized what many women already knew: that the supportive structures needed to alleviate the burden on moms are missing.

Alexandra Killewald’s research at Harvard University emphasizes that the distribution of paid and unpaid work poses a risk for divorce and separation. Speaking with moms from different generations suggests an evolution in women’s attitudes and expectations towards their roles in the family. At the same time, how does this understanding promote a change in our behaviors?

If you find yourself stuck in a similar pattern as Sarah, the first step is to get past your emotional reaction and resentment towards your family. The second step is where it becomes tricky. You’ll need to look inward and ask yourself the tough questions. Could you be contributing to the problem? Be brutally honest in unearthing the answer. Are you making excuses that keep you trapped in inequality in your own home?

Communicating What You Need and Breaking Through Excuses

For self-identified people-pleasers, the sad truth is: Nobody is going to give you anything just because you are nice and refrain from rocking the boat.

Seven excuses that perpetuate inequality:

1. Your partner just won’t understand. Let’s be honest, your partner’s well aware that his cleaned shirts don’t magically reappear in his closet. He knows that someone loads the dishwasher and mops the kitchen floor, and he knows that someone is you. The system is working pretty well for him. Expecting others around you to pay attention and volunteer their fair share without ever discussing it is almost guaranteed to fail. If this is your belief, you are likely setting yourself up for disappointment.

   Needs are best communicated in a clear and constructive manner. Do you ask your partner for help but are quick to jump in and tackle tasks yourself? Then you are sending mixed messages about what you really want and need. Learn to cope with the discomfort and be patient.

2. Your partner needs to unwind because his job is very demanding. That might very well be true (for both of you). But if work crushes his spirit to the degree that he can’t show up for his family, this is something that requires real action rather than living in denial about it.
3. Your partner suffers from depression. Some people will say that they “don’t feel like doing anything.” Who said they had to feel like it in the first place? Virtually any meaningful activity can help to lower symptoms of depression.
4. You question your partner's parenting choices but don’t want to hurt his feelings. If you’re concerned that your parenting efforts don’t match those of your partner, an open and honest conversation is in order. Try your best to understand what your partner's philosophy is and how that is reflected in his parenting choices. It’s important to have an open mind here and acknowledge that some parenting styles that appear contradictory actually complement another psychologically. Maybe you too had one anxious parent and one parent that encouraged you to take risks. Can you imagine only having had one or the other?

   Give your partner credit for meaning well even if it doesn’t really work for anyone involved, and nudge him down the path of a little trial and error. So much of parenting is a combination of informed guessing, expert consultation, and inspired experimentation.

5. Your partner gets very upset and defensive. Some people use anger to deflect from their lack of contributing to a relationship. What makes this scenario even more upsetting is that you probably don’t feel safe addressing issues with your partner. If this is the case, try not to hold off on necessary changes because it may create temporary conflict. Yet, if your partner's reactions are downright disrespectful, be realistic about the future of your partnership and consider an exit plan.
6. It is not safe to leave your children with your partner. This excuse is a lot more common than most women like to admit. Under no circumstances should you doubt yourself just because your safety concerns have been dismissed as “anxious” or “neurotic” in the past. It’s no use to pretend you aren’t worried when you feel like shouting it from the rooftops. After all, what good is it to spend that long-awaited catch-up with a friend worrying your partner might have fallen asleep with the toddler in his arms and the pizza burning in the oven?

   If you have considerable anxiety about the safety of your children while they’re with your partner, you probably have your reasons. Speak openly and unapologetically about the lack of safety you perceive in your partner’s parenting and consider signing up for parenting classes together. Leaving your doubts unaddressed makes you a less confident mother. Rather than judging and overextending yourself, try to accept that in order to cope with anxiety you too have to recover every now and again.

   How about identifying people in your life that you trust and can reach out to for help? Just be honest with yourself and your partner that you don’t have peace of mind when he is alone with your child. Express that you are committed to overcoming this problem together long term, but you won’t wait until then to take much-needed time off from the relentless effort that is parenting.

7. You wanted a family so you can’t ask for help. Many mothers feel pressure to show up for their families with a positive attitude and cheerful demeanor day after day. Some fear it may seem ungrateful if they raise their own needs. The truth is you don’t have a gratitude problem but a logistics issue. Treat it as such and outsource as many tasks as you possibly can. Open yourself up to the possibility that accepting help from others could be just as important to them as it is to you.

Reinforce Your Boundaries with Everyone in Your Life

We have to show people how we want to be treated. If you feel resentment toward someone, your boundaries have most likely been violated. The first question you need to ask yourself is whether you actually communicated your boundaries. Men are a lot more likely than women to ask for changes they consider fair and necessary. Many women get frustrated with their partners for putting themselves first and perceive them as “selfish,” “lazy,” or even “useless.” These negative judgments make it difficult to step away from the kind of mindset that perpetuates inequality. Instead, try to find inspiration in your partner's unapologetic attitude toward taking what he needs. There will be tasks that simply can’t wait, but there are many others that can wait. What is the worst thing that could happen if you put the laundry basket aside to play with your children or read a book? Sometimes we fear that everything will fall apart when we stop moving. But it’s just another excuse that perpetuates inequality in your home. Try not to make a case for why you can’t change what bothers you. Challenge yourself to leave your comfort zone because you were taught to believe that foregoing all your needs should be your comfort zone as a mother. How comfortable are you really? Remember that you want to model a strong sense of self to your children, so they can learn to take their needs seriously and allow themselves to be present physically and emotionally.

It’s important to note that this post refers to a set of heteronormative attitudes that perpetuate inequality in the division of unpaid labor. This shouldn’t be interpreted to mean that there are no imbalances in other family structures.