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In honor of a very significant milestone birthday on November 3rd, it seems appropriate to share a number of insights and learnings from decades of living. For a person who has spent many of these decades helping people to achieve, to heal, to thrive, and to deal with anxiety and depression, there are many takeaways that could be helpful to almost anyone:
1. People tell you the truth about themselves.
Someone asked me the other evening how to read people and learn if someone is lying to you, or cannot be trusted. If you think about any time you’ve had someone hurt you or do damage in some way, there have been indicators and flags that went unnoticed. Watch carefully and trust your instincts; if it seems you should put distance between yourself and another person, do so. By contrast, if someone tells you another person is “no good” or “not quite right,” don’t take their word for it if you have a different experience. Spend time getting to know people and make your own decisions.
2. Relationships matter.
There have been numerous times I’ve seen broken relationships because someone doesn’t agree with another’s lifestyle, or decisions, or perspective. Certainly, during this political turmoil in the U.S., many relationships are strained to the breaking point.
In too many cases, I’ve seen someone be diagnosed with a life-threatening illness die very unexpectedly or disappear from another’s life. Once the damage is done, there is no going back. Regrets about choices are rearview mirrors and they can’t be fixed or changed.
Not every relationship is a good one, however. There are toxic and abusive people, and you need to set boundaries and oftentimes separate yourself from them. But the people you care about, the ones who fuel you in some way, even though you may disagree; is there a common ground to be found? Can you look past their perspective to the humanity underneath and the attributes that drew you to them in the first place?
Take stock of who you care about and consider how you’d feel if you lost them entirely. See what you can do to fix something now.
3. If you do what you love, life gets easier.
Many people follow some sort of prescribed path in life. Their parents, or community, or friends told them they should do something in particular for a living. Or they follow in a parent’s footsteps, or they take whatever job seems to pay the bills. Not everyone has the luxury of living their bliss; after all, the bills do need to get paid.
However, the more you can align your work and what you do every day with what you are good at, and enjoy doing, the easier your job and life turn out to be. Even if you dig ditches or drive an Uber, find ways to love your contribution and do the best job you possibly can. See what you can gain, or learn, or improve from your work. The days and weeks are long when you hate every working minute; move to enjoyment wherever you can.
4. Value your health.
Yes, it’s an old adage; we don’t value the little things until we lose them, but health is a big one. Respect and honor your body. Feed it well, exercise, and manage your emotional responses. Every day you are above ground and breathing is a good day. Make the days even better by finding ways to make good decisions about your health each and every day.
5. Make peace with your parents and children.
This isn’t a blanket statement. If you had or have very abusive people in your life, then protect yourself and get away from them. However, if your parents were just doing the best job they knew how at the point in time they raised you, cut them a break and forgive them for what might have upset you. If your children aren’t turning out exactly as you wanted them to, or they don’t do what you’d like, try and see the people they were born to be. They aren’t you, and they shouldn’t be you. Honor them for who they are, and embrace and love them despite any differences.
6. Find joy.
It’s so easy to get down and out about what you don’t have. Things have changed dramatically in the world and in each of our lives these last few months. Dealing with isolation, sickness, loss of a job, or worry about how to pay the rent seems to permeate everywhere. These are real issues and they need attention and support, but even in the midst of the darkest days, there is joy to be found.
Are you breathing? Does your physical body work reasonably well to get done what you need to? Do you have even one reliable friend? Are you able to walk outside and feel the breeze, smell the air, and watch a bird fly? Joy is the emotion that comes quickly and often fleetingly, but in the midst of turmoil, it’s worth trying to glimpse it as often as you can.
7. Be a learner.
As a college professor, corporate trainer, writer, and counselor, I admit I am skewed toward teaching and learning. I’ve seen how learning something new, changing a mindset or viewpoint, and gaining new ideas and skills can be transformational in one’s life. Keep your mind open and explore, learn, and grow. Life is not meant to be static or stagnant. You are not meant to stay stuck. You are meant to open your wings and fly. Learning allows you to do this.
