Making New Friends Is Hard. Here Are 5 Tips to Help

At some point during your tenure in therapy, your therapist will ask you about your social outlets. They refer to friends, acquaintances, colleagues, or any meaningful relationships (that aren’t romantic) in which you find fulfillment and support.

This social network, and by that, we mean IRL, is a critical space for many reasons beyond just that they are fun. Friends are an important anecdote to negative feelings like loneliness and depression and can help curb anxiety by providing someone you trust to bounce those anxious thoughts off of. They get you out of the house, they pump you up, and it’s nice to listen to them dish their dirt as well. It’s pretty obvious why having friends is important.

So then, why is it so hard to make new friends as an adult?

It’s common for adults to find that their old friends no longer cut it and that finding new friends is impossible. But we need friends. Humans are by nature social and community-based beings. If you find that your current social calendar is bare, here are a few tips to help increase your dance card.

1. Understand the mechanics of friend-making. It’s important to put into context the scenarios that allow friendships to develop. If you think back on your most important relationships, common themes seem to be that your bestie was met at either school or work. Now, although just because you work alongside someone for hours does not guarantee you’re going to get along, that initial encounter is what alerted you to know if someone was a person you wanted to spend more time with.

So if you are working remotely, not in any group classes or meetings, and haven’t been active in any new communities, the chances of making a new friend will be very low. It may be time to join a book club, take on a very part-time job, or learn how to play pickleball in order to add more opportunities.

2. It takes time…and then more time. There have been studies that have shown the amount of time it takes to make a friend. An acquaintance might develop after only a handful of hours, but a best friend takes hundreds (Hall, 2018.) So it’s important not to expect a friendship to take off just because you immediately hit it off. You need to foster friendship over many, many hangs.

This is part of why we have “work wives.” If you’re spending eight hours a day chatting over Slack, you are building a great foundation. If you met a parent at your child’s preschool at one event and want to hang out more, expect to put in the effort and lots of playdates.

3. Date your friends. “We should hang out sometime” never got anyone a new best friend. Be specific and meaningful in your approach to hanging out. If someone you thought was cool mentioned they love craft beer, ask them to join you at the new brewery that just opened up. Be specific when you ask when you want to go. People are more likely to be open to Sunday at Noon than “sometime.”

Plus, if they already have plans, they are much more likely to make another suggestion for a day if you already suggested a time.

4. Don’t take it personally. Whereas college friendships may be interfered with only by class and hangovers, adult friendships have all the adulting that gets in the way. Kids, work, appointments with the accountant will take precedent to grab a drink. Don’t take it as a sign that they don’t want to hang out with you.

Give grace to grownups and allow three cancellations, flakes, or no’s before you write someone off.

5. If it’s not working, let it go. Don’t let hunger for friendships cloud your judgment. Not everyone is going to be the best candidate. If you find your hangs annoying, toxic, or asking more of you than you’d like to give, then feel free to bow out. This is not just for new friends but for old ones as well. Just because you were thick as thieves in middle school does not mean you hold the same ideals at 50.

Adult friendships are about quality, not quantity. We don’t have the time, or energy, to waste on people who aren’t a value add.

Approaching making friends like a job may feel strange, and you may even feel down that it has come to this, but the result is meaningful and important. After all, “In the cookie of life, friends are the chocolate chips.”