Yes, Your Therapist Thinks About You, Too

Source: Erika Wittlieb/Pixabay

Upon meeting patients for the first time, I encourage them to share what they would like to use the therapeutic space for. More often than not, this is met with looking to speak to someone who has no judgment, bias, or personal opinion.

Unfortunately, as much as patients believe they want this, it is simply not possible. In fact, it’s not even therapeutic. Therapists are humans, too. This means they have feelings and personal experiences that might be evoked by the therapeutic work—evoked by you. But while others’ partialness can be distressing, coming from your therapist, it can actually be most helpful.

Your relationship with your therapist has the potential to serve as a corrective emotional experience. This is to say that in being reexposed to emotional situations that might have been difficult in the past, under more favorable circumstances (Alexander, 1946), you can find better outcomes. Over time, you may expect a certain type of reaction from others because you know the pattern of responses you generally receive. When your therapist responds differently to you, because she is aware of dynamics at play and can keep her own thoughts and feelings in check, your surprise gives way to feeling safer to explore more.

These corrective emotional experiences can happen because your therapist has her own emotional experiences, not because she is void of them. She knows how to use them to be present for you, both during and between sessions.

She lets you impact her

This is possible, in part, because you both change as your relationship continues to strengthen. Many schools of thought around the success of therapy recognize the therapeutic relationship as the utmost significant mechanism of change. The idea is that as you continue to have positive and healthy interactions with a therapist, you will heal from previous relational traumas, perceive yourself in more accurate ways, and take on new experiences that will reinform your thoughts and feelings.

These healthy interactions involve honesty, authenticity, and depth. Your therapist has to let you impact her—making her think and feel, reflect and question—in order to respond to you in a therapeutic manner. In my own work, for example, I’ve felt my patients’ sadness and grief, feelings they don’t entirely feel themselves but are evident in their words. By letting myself feel these difficult feelings and identifying them, patients can fully acknowledge the sadness in their experiences and begin to move forward.

She learns from you

Your therapist won’t pretend to have walked in similar shoes or “totally get it” without you telling her. She acknowledges that your personal experiences have entirely shaped your unique perspective, so she simply cannot adopt your way of thought in order to speak your language. Your gain in putting words to your emotional distress is that the power is shifted from stressors to your hands, fostering agency and growth.

Your therapist has only her set of experiences to call her own but, in working with you, becomes aware of so much more. Your background, preferences, and circumstances open her world to experiences she’ll never have for herself. This allows her awareness and compassion to expand even further, humbling her to continue to maintain curiosity about you and also about others.

Your therapist is not an authority on how to look at the world and interpret any given experience either, simply because she’s the therapist, and you’re the patient. You and your therapist might consider the same situation and find different meanings, neither necessarily right nor wrong. In fact, your way of looking at things can be eye-opening for her—encouraging her to consider a perspective she hadn’t thought of before. This is so important, especially for her to validate your experiences, encourage you to continue to express your individuality, and perhaps even help you integrate multiple perspectives as a result. But your way of interpreting the situation stays with her, as she hears more of your experiences and as she comes across other similar thought-provoking situations.

She is aware of her power

Most therapists would not encourage an imbalanced therapeutic relationship in which they are the all-knowing and patients the all-seeking. Understandably, however, it can feel like your therapist has some power because you are presenting to her office for help. This places you in an emotionally vulnerable position.

Your therapist understands this and is aware that she has the power to influence you. Because of this, she works to create a space marked by mutual trust, respect, and collaboration. She cannot know you better than you know yourself. And she will admit to you that she does not have the answers or solutions to problems you’re both working together to understand. She will remind you in many ways that she is human and flawed, while still modeling healthy problem-solving practices and ways of relating.

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She thinks of you between sessions

The time between therapy sessions is often marked by thoughtful reflection and feelings about the work, for both you and your therapist. You continue to process your work long after the session ends, taking the work outside of the office to your very real world. That’s clearly the point of therapy and the hallmark of successful work. This process involves reminding yourself of and practicing new skills, continuing to answer open-ended questions, and noting new thoughts to bring to session next week.

Your therapist’s relationship with you exists between sessions, even if you don’t communicate with each other. She thinks of your conversations, as well, continuing to reflect on key moments as the week unfolds. She may even reconsider an opinion she had or an intervention she made during a session. I can say that I often think of my patients when something we had discussed comes up again and reminds me of them or when I suddenly realize themes are evolving in our work.

She looks forward to seeing you

Your therapist chooses to work with you because she thinks you both complement each other in ways that you can benefit and heal. She works to nurture your relationship together, modeling healthy dynamics and recognizing that the stronger the relationship, the greater your growth. Because of this, she is excited to see you every week and certainly feels your absence when you’re not in. She is proud of you and the work you do together, looking forward to sharing more of her thoughts and helping to foster and highlight your progress and accomplishments.

While your therapist has these inner experiences, it is not your responsibility to care for her in a way that eclipses your own growth. She has her needs met in other relationships and implements interpersonal boundaries in the therapeutic relationship so that you can succeed. I find that when patients see their therapists as real people with very similar feeling states to them, they are even more engaged in the work, promoting even further success.