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Key points
- People who think they need one thing before they can be, or have, another can be a limiting belief.
- Coaching questions can help challenge a person's thinking and open up possibilities.
- A person can remove self-imposed barriers and change the narrative to a more positive one.
In a previous post, I discussed two self-limiting narratives that can box us in. It is all too easy to put things off or justify inaction by telling ourselves stories that limit our options—or, worse, our selves. There are many ways we do this. One I often hear from the leaders and executive coaching clients I work with goes something like this: “I can’t possibly do X (e.g., apply for that post) because I need to do/have Y (e.g., have another degree, obtain another five years experience) first.”
This is what I call the “X before Y” or “this before that” narrative. It is yet another restrictive narrative or rationale that holds us back.
Effective coaching helps clients identify self-limiting narratives and supports them as they interrogate and rewrite these stories into something more useful. Coaching helps clients identify new, more positive beliefs and offers useful tools and techniques for taking action and moving forward.
If you are looking to change a narrative, it’s important to bring some self-awareness to the stories you’re telling yourself and their consequences. Often, these narratives can sound like rational—even helpful—justifications for doing or not doing something, but the result is that you end up stuck (e.g., staying in the job you hate).
Here is a simple coaching process that can help you develop a new story—a positive, empowering story to support, strengthen, and accelerate your work and the rest of your life.
Moving Beyond “This Before That”
There are times when we need to upskill or reskill before we can take on a role–“I need X before I can do Y.” But leaning too far into this belief can keep us in our comfort zone, preventing us from making the change we want. It sounds like a sensible justification for inaction that satisfies us intellectually, but not emotionally. And it certainly doesn’t produce results.
Take Gretchen, a senior professional with decades of research experience. She wanted to pivot into a bigger role, with more visibility and even some limelight, but she believed that she needed a Ph.D. before doing that.
Invoking a gap that needs to be filled can make us avoid or delay doing or being what we really want to do or be.
Gretchen’s narrative sounded like this: to be visible and share her voice. She needed a Ph.D. Therefore, not having a Ph.D. was reason enough not to share her voice. For her, the act of thinking about her goals constituted taking action. In reality, of course, it simply justified her inaction.
Change the Narrative: Interrogate Your Needs
Identifying a perceived gap in our knowledge, experience, skills, or resources implies that there’s a sequence of things we need to do or achieve before we can proceed.
If, like Gretchen, you believe that you need a certain thing (or that something needs to happen) before you can do what you really want to do, test out the validity of your belief, starting with the idea that a sequence of events needs to take place.
Some powerful coaching questions can help. Try them out for yourself (and see how Gretchen got on):
What, do you assume, is the order in which things need to happen?
Gretchen assumed that she needed a Ph.D. before being “listened to” and considered “legit.”
What is your evidence that this (sequence of events) is true?
Gretchen had none. She based her reasoning on academic criteria for a scientific audience—which was totally the wrong context for the new leadership role and visibility she wanted.
What will pursuing more X (education, experience, trials, etc.) give you?
Gretchen wanted more visibility after years of working behind the scenes. She wanted to experience a sense of engagement with the public. She realized that pursuing a Ph.D. wouldn’t necessarily achieve these goals by thinking about this and talking it through.
How else can you get where you want to go?
Gretchen pursued two paths. First, recognizing all that she had already achieved, experienced, and knew, she decided to share some of her ideas with the world. She began blogging regularly. Second, she produced her podcast, something she had wanted to do for some time. Both activities ticked the visibility and engagement boxes … and neither required a Ph.D.
Rewritten Story: “What Are All the Ways I Can Achieve Y?”
Gretchen’s desire to show up more boldly was initially met by her inner critical voice telling her that she needed a Ph.D. before sharing her ideas in the world. By questioning her “this before that” narrative, Gretchen discovered that it didn’t apply here—as evidenced by the thousands of bloggers, vloggers, and other personalities who routinely share their voices.
Like Gretchen, you might block yourself with narratives about perceived needs and sequences of tasks, some of which seem arduous or outside your control. Instead, simply ask, “How can I do this? How many ways are there?” This frees you from limitations, opening you up to possibility, motivation, action, and results.
You can remove self-imposed barriers and replace them with new, more empowering narratives that help you develop and achieve your personal and career goals.
So—what’s your story? And how can you rewrite it to reach your goals?
