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Relationships
How Distant Would You Like Me To Be, Darling?
There is no formula for love
Posted March 20, 2009
Relationship at a distance can do things for the heart that a closer, day-to-day companionship cannot.
Relationship at a distance can do things for the heart that a closer, day-to-day companionship cannot. (Thomas Moore)
You can dance-every dance with the guy who gives you the eye
But don't forget who's taking you home
So darling save the last dance for me (The Drifters)
It is commonly claimed that the closer two people are to each other, the greater their intimacy and love will be. It seems, however, that some distance is also required in order for love to flourish. While many married couples are busy thinking how to reduce the distance between them, others would like to enlarge it in order to provide more room for the individual's desires while keeping the common framework intact.
Closeness is a crucial element determining emotional significance and hence emotional intensity. Because emotions are highly personal, they are usually elicited by those who are relevant or close to us. When someone is too detached from us, we are unlikely to have any emotional attitude toward her.
Distance typically decreases emotional intensity, as it is contrary to the involved and intimate perspective typical of emotions. Love, which incorporates a profoundly positive evaluation of the other person, includes the wish to become as close as possible to that person.
Temporal distance, like other types of distance, decreases emotional intensity. Thus, in hope and fear a temporal distance between the agent and the emotional object will reduce emotional intensity. At a distance, events often seem less significant than they are when they are nearer. Accordingly, as the saying goes, sometimes time can heal a wounded heart.
Physical proximity has long been considered a positive factor in both initiating and maintaining romantic bonds. Indeed, romantic relationships are partially differentiated from mere friendships by involving behaviors (such as fondling, caressing, kissing, and making love) that necessitate physical proximity. The chances were good that the seeker's "one and only" would be found not far from where the seeker lived. The resources and effort required in this case are considerably less than in the case of distant relationships. Accordingly, distance is often considered a negative factor in maintaining romantic bonds, because, at great distances, it is much more difficult to carry on the activities typical of such bonds. Distant relationships often rely on either imagining physical proximity or expecting that proximity to be achieved in the future.
Although distance typically decreases emotional intensity, there are circumstances in which distance increases it. Diderot argued that, "distance is a great promoter of admiration." Indeed, a typical difference between envy and admiration is that in envy, the subject-object gap is much smaller. Admiration is different from love in that it implies distance and hence a lack of reciprocity. There are also circumstances in which temporal distance may amplify the event. In these cases, the time that separates us from the event is used for incessant rumination upon it; this makes the event more central for us and hence our emotions intensify.
In contrast to the romantic ideal of unity, marriage counselors warn that spending too much time with the beloved can decrease love. Indeed, it seems that some kind of distance, providing a greater personal space, is important for a personal relationship. Significant and temporally extended physical distance may harm it, but a more limited distance may be beneficial. As the saying goes, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
Several studies indicate that long-distance couples are more satisfied with their relationships and with their communication and are more in love than are geographically close couples; accordingly, the former relationships enjoy a higher rate of survival. It seems that the distance may focus the partners' attention on the profound aspects of their relationships and help them to disregard the superficial ones. These people are likely to value their relationships even more, while the distance increases the likelihood that they will idealize their partners.
In and of itself, distance is not necessarily harmful to romantic relationships. As more and more contemporary couples enter into "commuting relationships" as a result of work, the time apart may save as many marriages as it destroys. Finding the right measure and nature of physical and emotional distance is crucial for a satisfactory romantic relationship. Distance may have its own costs, but an appropriate distance can minimize the impact of those costs.
Distance is important for gaining an adequate perspective. Thus, when we look at something from very close up, our vision is fragmented and often distorted. In the extreme case where there is no distance at all, that is, when we place the object right next to the eye itself, we do not see it for what it actually is. We need some distance in order to achieve a perspective that encompasses multiple aspects of the object and thereby makes the perspective less fragmented.
Online relationships are a unique type of distant relationship that seems to overcome some of the main problems of other types of distant relationships. The Internet enables a constant flow of communication that can become profound and intimate. Love becomes intense, and the participants feel close to each other. Nevertheless, online relationships cannot overcome the desire for physical closeness. Accordingly, online romantic relationships can typically complement, but not completely substitute for, offline relationships.
In a flourishing relationship, the importance of a significant personal space cannot be exaggerated. The existence of such a space enables each lover to have a fuller and thus more meaningful life. This space does not necessarily involve sexual freedom, but even if it does, it remains valuable as in relationships where there is no personal space available, sexual affairs may prosper. Indeed, attempts to prevent or significantly limit personal space may give rise to sexual affairs, as a partner who feels trapped without that space is likely to begin to view the relationship itself as negative and so may be encouraged to seek that space in an affair.
Laura, a divorcee at her early forties, said that when she and her former husband lived in a commuting marriage, "I felt good about having my own personal space so I did not have extramarital affairs. After eleven years of marriage, when we moved with our three girls to a house of our own and stayed in the house every day, I felt that my personal space and freedom were being violated by my husband and as if I was in captivity; at that time I began to have affairs." In the song cited above, the man allows his partner to have her personal space by dancing "with the guy who gives you the eye" providing she remembers who will be taking her home and for whom she should save the last dance.
Determining the appropriate romantic distance is not an easy task, but it is crucial for easing the enormous burden put upon lovers who are supposed to form a perfect unity. Alas, there is no formula for love.
Adapted from The Subtlety of Emotions and In the Name of Love
