Is Love Really Blind?

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"Love is not blind; it simply enables one to see things others fail to see." —Johnny Depp

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" —Dorothy Parker

When we speak about blind love, we refer to a cognitive inability to see the faults of our beloved. Cupid, the Roman god of love, is indeed depicted as a blindfolded boy, a graphic portrayal that lovers, especially young ones, may be blind to the faults of those they love. In addition to cognitive deficiencies, intense love also involves evaluative deficiencies. Understanding these deficiencies is essential for choosing a suitable romantic partner.

The Cognitive and Evaluative Scales

Couple in love

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"Old concept: Love is blind; marriage is an eye opener. New concept: Love is not blind—it simply enables one to see things others fail to see." —Johann Sebastian Bach

Four major components of emotions are cognition, evaluation, motivation, and feelings. The cognitive component refers to information about the given circumstances; the evaluative component assesses the personal significance of the information; the motivational component addresses our readiness to act; and the feelings component is a mode of consciousness, expressing our own state (Ben-Ze’ev, 2000: Ch. 3).

I focus on the role of the cognitive and evaluative components in shaping the agent’s romantic attitude. Such an attitude involves two major scales: a cognitive scale (let us say, from 1 to 10), measuring the extent of the partner’s traits (and achievements), and an evaluative scale (say, from 1 to 5), assessing the significance of each trait (and achievement).

To understand these scales, consider the following real conversation that I had with a young religious man, who claims to love his wife dearly.

• Me: “Is your wife beautiful?
• The man: “She is not ugly.”
• Me: “Is your wife wise?”
• The man: “She is not stupid.”
• Me: “Is your wife kind?”
• The man: “Yes, she is very kind.”

This man considers his wife very kind (on the cognitive scale, likely 10 out of 10), but not so wise and attractive (likely, both 6 out of 10). He further considers kindness as very significant in the evaluative scale (5 out of 5), and wisdom and attractiveness as much less significant (likely, both 2 out of 5). A more objective cognitive perception of his wife’s wisdom and external appearance would probably be 3, rather than 6, out of 10. These cognitive deficiencies, as well as disproportionately lowering the evaluative significance of wisdom and external appearance, sustain the man’s profound love to his kind wife.

The distinction between the cognitive and evaluative scales may also be demonstrated in another conversion I had while serving as a matchmaker on the TV show “Marriage at First Sight.” One man was matched to a woman whom he was not attracted to, and in our conversation, I tried to persuade him that attraction may be developed during the relationship. The man agreed with me that this could happen, but replied, “Why should I begin from such a low starting point?” This apt reply reflects the limitation of the evaluation component in positively perceiving the partner. There is a cognitive threshold, below which the evaluative component cannot turn the agent’s perception into a positive attitude. Not every frog can turn into a prince from a mere kiss.

Combining the cognitive and evaluative scales enables us to increase our love for our partner. Both the cognitive and evaluative scales are based on subjective and objective factors, but the subjective factors are greater in the evaluative than in the cognitive scale, which is more restricted by reality. Lovers tend to magnify the virtues and accomplishments of their beloved while minimizing and ignoring their weaknesses (Jollimore, 2024). An important feature of the evaluative scale is focusing on a few deal breakers and deal makers which matter most in a potential partner (Joel & Charlot, 2022; Ben-Ze’ev, 2024, and here).

At the basis of romantic love, there is a profound positive evaluation of a few of the beloved's qualities, which positively influence other characteristics. Hence, lovers do not necessarily distort reality, nor are they completely blind to the beloved's faults; they just do not consider such faults to be significant. Indeed, in Fisher's survey (2004) of people in love, about 60% agreed to the statement that they loved everything about their beloved and though the beloved had some faults, that didn't significantly bother them. Assigning specific importance to qualitative traits is not a cognitive task that can be true or false, but an evaluative task that largely depends on the person. Indeed, positive romantic beliefs are highly associated with the quality of a relationship, such as the extent of love, satisfaction, and commitment; accordingly, love is not exactly blind (Trémolière & Djeriouat, 2019).

The romantic ideology, in which “love can move mountains,” encourages a short-sightedness, not merely of the beloved’s flaws, but also of external obstacles to romantic relationships, such as geographical distance. As the song goes, “Ain't no mountain high enough. Ain't no river wild enough, to keep me from you.” Such positive illusions can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In this case, too, we do not have total blindness (Ben-Ze’ev & Goussinsky, 2008).

Relationships Essential Reads

The 4 Biggest Lies That Destroy Love

Calmness Is the Most Exciting Romantic Experience

The Importance of the Starting Point

"Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor." —Helen Rowland

The agents’ role in shaping their love is greater at the starting point of the relationship. Studies indicate that viewing other people with distinctive accuracy often predicts positive interpersonal experiences, including liking the other and relationship satisfaction. However, this is not the case on first dates where distinctive accuracy tends to be paired with lower romantic interest. Although distinctive accuracy may help us rule out incompatible matches, it can also result in making overly critical judgments and being too quick to pass on potential partners. Accordingly, if progressing beyond a first date is the goal, perceivers may wish to bring their rose-colored glasses and leave their magnifying glass behind (Hofer et al., 2022; Kerr, et al., 2020). Nevertheless, people in intimate relationships are often aware of positive biases in their judgments and can even estimate their magnitude accurately (Fletcher & Boyes, 2008).

In conclusion, an optimal way of overcoming short sightedness comes down to a combination of cognitive and evaluative factors. One such combination is that of having initial intuitive optimism, followed by reflective realism (Sjåstad & Baumeister, 2023). The initial less accurate optimism is important to establish a strong starting point, significant for the success of the following enduring relationships. Lovers are not totally blind, but they may be short-sighted, especially in the initial romantic stages.