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Key points
- Disappointments allow us to see more clearly what we truly value in our lives.
- Simple rules are not useful in deciding about personal and professional opportunities. Embracing complexity leads to satisfaction.
- Disappointments tell us to practice self-education, not self-blame.
We feel disappointment after short-term endeavors, such as a three-hour cooking effort that ends up inedible. And we feel disappointed with more serious and potentially long-term endeavors, such as not getting accepted into the graduate program we hoped for, having someone we really like break off with us after two months, and the ending of a friendship. The greater the disparity between outcomes and expectations, the greater the disappointment.
In every case – however painful – disappointment has the potential to teach us about taking personal and professional risks and managing the consequences. Here are five enduring lessons of disappointment.
Learning What We Value
A disappointing outcome persuades us to step back and ask, is this something I truly value?
If the original endeavor is not central to our goals in life, we can move our focus to those more rewarding activities. If it is central to our lives, we should try again, possibly with a different approach. In this way, disappointment teaches us what matters most.
Recognizing the Fundamental Attribution Error
The fundamental attribution error leads us to overemphasize our choices while downplaying the strong influences of the situation. With disappointment, we may be committing this error, blaming ourselves for outcomes where circumstances played a large role. It’s possible a better performance on our part could have changed the outcome, but it’s more likely that the situation played a larger influence.
Receiving a rejection is not a critique of our entire effort – only the specific effort in those specific circumstances.
Persisting up to a Point
“Never give up” is too simple. In chess, a player topples the king if the game is lost. A team will not call a time-out if it’s too far behind to catch up in the time remaining.
Most examples of never giving up are uplifting but atypical. Every major record label turned down Jay-Z before he went on to great success. Twelve publishers rejected J.K. Rowling’s first Harry Potter novel, and Steven King’s first book, Carrie, was rejected more than thirty times. Even the Beatles struggled for a record deal. These examples tell us never to quit.
But beware of the famous example. It’s more representative and effective to hear how our peers succeeded. There are many compelling examples in everyday life of people changing their career paths and moving successfully in a different professional direction.
Learning Balance
We can acknowledge our disappointment while identifying and feeling thankful for other events that turned out well. This is not a feel-good lesson but a feel-balanced lesson.
Embracing Complexity
Disappointment teaches us there are no simple rules. If we strongly believe in our endeavor, we should stay with it. A few strong pushes may be sufficient. But it may also be advantageous to try something new.
Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Although it doesn’t feel that way in the immediate wake of love lost. Simple advice goes both ways on this—another proverbial answer to the risk of seeking romantic love: Better safe than sorry.
Other proverbs present conflicting views on taking chances that can lead to disappointment. If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Don’t beat your head against a stone wall. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Don’t bite off more than you can chew.
Complexity is difficult, but the simplistic is downright unhelpful. Learning to embrace complexity is far more effective in the long run.
Final Words
Most disappointing events are not catastrophic. After things have gone wrong, a therapist friend tells his clients, “It’s not the end of the world. It’s the world.”
I don't want this blog post to be ignored, but if it is, I will accept the unpleasantness of disappointment and let it teach me a more effective approach next time. With disappointment, we should practice self-education, not self-blame.
