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Key points
- People who are dying have a lot to teach the living about regrets that may be avoidable or fixable.
- These are some things a cop, and their loved ones, can do to counteract the negativity inherent in police work.
- Don't over-identify with the job, practice self-care, keep your non-police friends, and hunt for the positive.
I like to use the week between Christmas and New Year’s to clean out my email inbox, my closets, and my desktop (the actual one, not the virtual one, although the virtual one could use a thorough cleaning too). I also prefer making intentions to making resolutions. Most resolutions barely last into February. Breaking them creates guilt and self-doubt. None of us need more guilt and self-doubt than we already have.
A colleague of mine, a retired police lieutenant, recently read The Top Five Regrets of the Dying by Bronnie Ware. It’s a bestselling memoir of Ware’s time as a palliative caretaker and her conversations with the dying. Her findings are simple and generously shared on her website. Since none of us can predict the future, I thought they were worth considering as the New Year rolls in.
Ware’s conclusions, listed below in bold type, are followed by my comments. I don't disagree with anything she said; it's just that if you’re a cop or in a relationship with one, the culture of policing and the job itself can make avoiding or reducing regret especially challenging and complex.
1. "I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."
One of the blessings and burdens of being a police officer is the culture of policing, a culture that can be both supportive and oppressive. The push for conformity is powerful. There is little room to express your individuality.
The organization’s needs take precedence over your individual preferences and strengths. Your appearance is regulated and so, for good reason, is your behavior. You have a great deal of power that must be used according to the law and for which you are accountable. You are allowed some creativity, so long as it remains within official parameters. Best to use your off-duty time to express your individuality.
2. "I wish I hadn’t worked so hard."
Freud is reputed to have said, “Love and work... work and love. That’s all there is.” Being a cop is a critical source of pride and satisfaction. People are better off because of what you do for the community. You take risks so that the rest of us can live our lives freely and in safety. But there are limits. Freud did not say this. I did.
When work takes precedence over love or becomes the primary place you find your sense of self, you are out of balance. This is one of the toughest lessons for cops to learn. Being a cop is a job, not an identity. Being a parent is an identity; being a spouse is an identity. Being a cop is a short-term, highly perishable venture over which you have little control. All it takes is a blown knee, a twisted back, a critical incident, a lawsuit, a bureaucratic reversal, a downturn in the economy, and you could be out of work.
So, be the best cop you can be, but don’t get trapped by those golden handcuffs. Above all, don't make your family play second fiddle to the job.
3. "I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings."
Cops often resist telling the truth about themselves, especially if they mistake expressing emotions for being weak. Being vulnerable, especially with your family, doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you're accessible. Police officers are repeatedly exposed to tragic events and cruelty. It will affect you because you’re human. Bottling up your reactions, drowning them in booze, however you try to avoid them, is almost guaranteed to backfire. For some officers, it breaks out in regrettable explosions of anger or bouts of depression. For others in a variety of aches, pains, and illnesses with no medical cause.
Don't fall victim to stigma. Get help when you need it. Take as good care of yourself as you do the rest of us.
4. "I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends."
Many cops have a mistaken belief that only another cop will understand them and have lost touch with their non-law enforcement friends. Sometimes these friends are uncomfortable with you simply because you are a cop. Recent social unrest and anti-police sentiment may have made this worse. Work at broadening your circle of friends. If all your friends are in law enforcement, you are in danger of living in an echo chamber.
5. "I wish that I let myself be happier."
Most cops will see more misery and human cruelty in the first few years of their careers than the rest of us will in our entire lives. It is important to fight back against this negativity, some of which comes from inside your agencies. Do this purposefully, especially if you are assigned to child abuse or ICAC units, where there is constant exposure to tragedy.
Make a list of people, things, and activities that make you happy, put them on your calendar, and do them. Go for coffee with a friend who makes you laugh. Turn off the news. Avoid blogs. Watch comedies. Spend time in nature. Take your family camping or hiking. Cook together. Search for positive stories about police-community interactions. Even in the midst of social change and negative news about the police, there is still enormous respect and admiration for what you do.
Wishing all my readers a happy, safe, peaceful, and healthy 2023 filled with friends, family, and meaningful work. Thank you for all you do for others.
References
Ware, B. The Top Five Regrets of the Dying: A Life Transformed by the Dearly Departing (2012). Carlsbad, CA. Hay House
