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Key points
- Current functioning is impacted by our past childhood experiences and the quality of our early attachments.
- The child-within paradigm is a powerful method used to examine childhood experiences that interfere with adult functioning.
- A therapist works to increase a client’s ability to reclaim their younger parts of self who have been deserted and left to fend for themselves.
In my private practice, I work with women who have been physically, sexually, and/or emotionally abused as children. They come into therapy with varying goals. Some of my clients want support in managing conflictual relationships with family or friends, others are struggling with feelings of depression and anxiety, and some want to explore their experience of loneliness and disconnection from others. A number of clients come for short term-therapy and are seeking concrete skills that will better equip them to maneuver through a difficult and challenging situation. At times, some of my clients do not have a specific goal to work on, but they are experiencing a general malaise and a lack of pleasure in their lives, and they want to alleviate the circumstances that interfere with living a more joyful life.
No matter what my clients’ goals are for initiating therapy, they are always, even if unwittingly, seeking a place where they can express their feelings, share their experiences, and be heard in an atmosphere of acceptance and non-judgment. They desire a safe place and the presence of a witness to share their deepest thoughts and feelings.
At times, a connection to a caring therapist who listens, offers insight, has a different perspective, and/or gives concrete problem-solving strategies is enough to meet a client’s needs. However, more often than not, my clients are aware that their current functioning is impacted by their past childhood experiences and the quality of their early attachments.
The child-within paradigm is a powerful method used to examine childhood experiences that interfere with adult functioning. This paradigm offers a lens to explore how past patterns manifest in their lives. The technique provides a window to explore emotional and behavioral patterns that have their origins in the past, which, when unexamined, will continue to repeat themselves and interfere with the client's ability to function. This therapeutic modality facilitates the client’s ability to reclaim their younger parts which have been deserted and left to fend for themselves without an attuned adult to help them manage stressful and overwhelming events.
One of the aims of the child-within process is to help clients become skilled at noticing bodily sensations and tracking strong emotions: i.e., becoming aware of their experiences of constriction, sadness, fear, anxiety, anger, and/or reactivity. As therapy progresses, clients learn to befriend these traditionally “undesirable” states and use them as a signal to take a moment, give themselves space, and go inside. If not, these distress reactions render them unable to think clearly, be flexible, explore options, and even reach out and ask for support.
In general, if a client’s environment is currently safe, then the experiences of hypo- or hyper-aroused states can be a sign that the current distress has its roots in the past. Dysregulation, strong bodily sensations, and/or intense emotions act as a signal to go to the past and explore the roots of the strong reaction. Noticing is the first step in bringing consciousness to the moment and offers an opportunity to center and reflect. Instead of, as my client Estelle says, “getting engulfed by feelings and going down into the black hole.”
Estelle’s Story
Estelle’s mother died of ovarian cancer when she was 12 years old. Her father, Tim, worked as a carpenter. He was always home in the mornings to give Estelle and her two younger siblings breakfast, sit at the table as a family, and connect before they left to catch the 8:00 a.m. school bus.
Evenings were different. Many days, Tim did not arrive home before 7:00 p.m. Estelle filled in the gap and took over her mother's role in the family. As a 12-year-old, she cooked, cleaned, and made sure her younger siblings did their homework. Estelle was independent, did well in school, and was praised by family, friends, and teachers for her maturity and how well she cared for her younger sister and brother.
As an adult, Estelle employed the same diligent care-taking and overseeing behaviors with her current adult relationships. However, these same behaviors that she was praised for as a child were experienced in her adult relationships as suffocating and intrusive. As a result, would-be friends distanced themselves and were not very responsive to Estelle’s attempts to reach out and connect. Estelle felt a tremendous amount of pain from their rejection and an overwhelming sense of isolation that she described as the “black hole.”
In therapy, we explored her experience of pain and isolation. She was guided to slow down, breathe, and go to the part of the body that held the pain. It was located in her belly. When I asked her if she could stay with the pain in her belly, she said she was afraid to go there because she thought the pain would “engulf” her and she would not be able to find her way back. I asked her if she felt “safe enough to take a peek, and we could go together.”
With Estelle’s permission, she breathed into the pain in her belly. After a few moments, the pain subsided and shifted to her chest and throat, which felt constricted and made her breathing difficult. She was asked to stay with the constriction in her chest and throat.
Estelle’s eyes swelled with tears which evoked a memory. She said, “I remember being 12 years old, sitting in the living room chair in the corner by the window. It was right after my mother’s funeral, and family and friends were gathered at our house. I was holding back my tears and feeling so alone with no one to go to. I recall feeling afraid that I could lose my dad and that he could die like my mother. My aunt came and asked if I could help bring food from the kitchen to the dining room table. This was the moment when I learned that the way I could manage my sadness and fear was to step in and take charge. In particular, take charge of caring for my siblings and Dad.”
In this session, Estelle realized that much of her caretaking behaviors were fueled by her fear of losing her dad and the unresolved grief around her mother’s death. As therapy progressed, sessions centered on giving voice to the 12-year-old and allowing her to grieve. This work helped alleviate the blocked emotions Estelle unknowingly brought into her adult relationships. Instead of being present and in the moment, Estelle’s interactions were fueled by the same caretaking and emotionally charged energy she had learned as a child and that she mistakenly viewed as caring.
Much of life’s distress, fatigue, loneliness, and emptiness could be managed if we had a deeper understanding of the origins of our pain and early behaviors we learned to manage the pain. Meeting our inner child offers us an understanding of the root causes that interfere with our ability to live happier and more fulfilling lives. This model provides us with an opportunity to re-parent and care for ourselves as we develop acceptance and self-compassion.
References
Gil, Teresa. (2018). Women Who Have Been Sexually Abused as Children: Mothering, Resilience and Protecting the Next Generation. New York: Rowman & Littlefield
