Maybe You Don't Really Need to Change

There really is a lot of pressure on people to change these days. We are frequently told to change our opinions, change our attitudes, change our behaviors, and change our direction. Once we establish consistency in how we act or how we think we are frequently told that we need to change it. Change is given such importance that it is a wonder people ever get comfortable with who they are.

It is quite possible that change has been overblown. Maybe what we really need to do is get comfortable with who we are and how we feel rather than always thinking we need to change. Even if people insist we need to change, maybe they are just wrong. Sometimes it is more important that people accept how we are rather than insist we need to change. That is difficult for people to do if we keep trying to change ourselves.

As a therapist, it might be unexpected that I am writing about change not always being necessary. Change is essentially at the heart of what therapy is. But I have seen many patients come in who choose to come in only because others insist they needed to change. It has led me to tell patients “People often do not want to change as much as they say they want change, and sometimes people say they want to change because that is what they are expected to say”. People often would seem happier if they would just accept themselves as they are rather than expecting they have to be who others say they should be.

Now change takes a lot of different forms. A situation where a person is being told they need to have a “more positive attitude” is different from a situation where a partner is being told they need to stop yelling at other people every day. Certainly the second one reflects a much clearer need for change than the first.

But even the second example is one where insisting a person needs to change can have its drawbacks. People are much, much less likely to change if they do not see it as their choice. In my experience as a therapist, I have never seen anything interfere more with effective change than a person saying they are in therapy because “my wife (or husband) told me I have to be here”. That happens a lot and is much more problematic than even a person saying something similar like, “My wife (or husband) says they will leave me if I do not improve my anger and I do not want them to leave”. In the first the person sees no choice in whether they change or not but in the second they do. Notice also that even in the second the person does not say they agree with the change their partner wants but is choosing to change so their partner does not leave. Seeing that you have a choice in changing or not goes a long way to making change more likely.

There is an old saying: “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks”. It is one of those sayings about an animal also meant to apply to other species (particularly humans). This is a saying implying that change (i.e. teaching “new tricks”) is important but that old dogs (and humans) cannot make that change.

Although the saying is catchy it is useful to consider the science behind it. There is research supporting that teaching older dogs new tricks is difficult (as summarized by research article written by Wallis, Range, Müller, Serisier, Huber & Zso in 2014) but that the reason is more complicated than might seem the case. Older dogs are capable of change but show much more need than younger dogs to be interested in the change. Dogs as they get older do not change just for the sake of change but change only when they see a reason. If what I have done for years has gotten me what I need (e.g. food, shelter, companionship), why would I need to change?

This has implications for humans. Maybe the problem with how we see ourselves is because we think change is essential when it is not. We could possibly take a lesson from how other animals approach change and ask, “Why would I change?” and “What purpose does change serve?” rather than just thinking we need to change just to be different.

If others are telling you that you need to change, that does not mean they are wrong but also does not mean they are right. When considering change ask yourself what is really wrong with the way you are. Is it possible you are so focused on needing to change because you are not allowing yourself to be happy with how you are? Even if other people are telling you to change, maybe that is not the full story. Maybe you need to let them have their opinions but not let it be the final word on what you need.

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Even if you decide to change because others are telling you they are bothered by how you are, it is still important to remind yourself that you are making the choice to change. If your spouse and friends all tell you they do not like how you handle anger you can take their opinions but still remind yourself, “I am looking to change because I do not want people to be upset at me, not because I have to”. That way you can remind yourself that you are seeing a reason to change. You can answer the question “What purpose would change serve?” and remind yourself that deciding to change is your choice.