When Neurodivergence Meets the Teen Social Scene

"Kids can be mean," the admissions staff at a local autism center spoke sweetly as my parents and I met with her. I was 12, and with no friends at my current school, I hoped to attend school here. Yet, at the end of our conversation, it was decided that this placement would be inappropriate for me. While I did have a relevant diagnosis and social issues, my academic needs were not within the typical scope of the school. As we walked back to the car, I cried a bit. I felt, at the time, too different to fit in most places.

Neurodiversity and Teens

Adolescence is a time of awkward adventure for many. Feeling a part of the group is important to most. Yet, neurodivergent adolescents are not always readily included in social circles. Research shows that loneliness and social isolation are common among neurodivergent youth, especially autistics (Schiltz et al., 2024). Yet, friendship and belonging are key to our growth in many areas.

An experimental study on the effects of isolation on human adolescents would not be ethically feasible; however, an animal study that isolated mice during their adolescent period found alterations in brain development (Arakawa et al., 2024). As well, tragically, research has shown a perception of rejection to be a risk factor for suicide among neurodivergent teens (Ellison et al., 2024).

When it comes to acceptance for neurodivergent teens, the stakes are high.

To better understand the social experiences of neurodivergent teens and how adults can help, I interviewed two neurodiversity experts—Reese Rampont, a psychiatric nurse practitioner who specializes in the intersection of mental health and neurodiversity, and Misty Schmidt, a licensed marriage and family therapist who works both in private practice and in a school district also specializing in neurodiversity.

When asked about social obstacles facing neurodivergent youth, Reese shared an insight that these youth were at risk for "rejection when communicating in ways more natural to their neurotype." She shares how often well-meaning adults will try to redirect them or instill social norms, yet discusses that what is comfortable and workable for neurotypical youth might not be so for neurodivergent youth. What might be deemed by others "good" social skills is sometimes, in fact, masking one's true self, making it harder to form genuine relationships.

Misty added that sometimes there can be a "lack of understanding of what neurodiversity looks like in the classroom." Adolescents who need to fidget or not make eye contact while trying to focus can be mistaken as being disrespectful. Similarly, special education services are most likely to be offered to youth with predominately academic or behavioral concerns, while social and emotional learning are sometimes overlooked.

Introductions and Groups

Reese and Misty agree that social connection groups that give neurodivergent adolescents a place to meet one another and communicate openly can be invaluable. Reese and Misty have offered such groups, with Reese providing one in a community mental health center and Misty in school settings. Accepting student organizations can also give a small and structured place for teens to socialize. Many neurodivergent youth find these qualities helpful in relating to others.

Reese states that everyone requires "settings where it is OK to be yourself."

Misty shares a unique strategy for introducing "students who could pair well with one another" to each other. Informal as it may be, such introductions can go a long way toward building friendships.

Accommodations

For many neurodivergent youth, the sensory and social demands of walking through a hallway or sitting in a crowded gymnasium can be overwhelming. Confining school uniforms, long stretches of sitting still, noisy halls, and the mysterious unwritten codes of adolescents are especially tricky. Reese points out that the more effectively a teen is being accommodated in school, the better the youth's overall well-being will be. Misty also shares that school accommodations do not have to be academic modifications, like extra time on tests or a seat near the front of the room. Adjustments in areas ranging from the school uniform to the start time for the school day are sometimes available to address accessibility needs regarding sensory overwhelm, sleep, or anxiety.

Both Misty and Reese acknowledge that bullying can be a common problem. Misty mentions "anonymous reporting" and other strategies that give youth ways to communicate what they are experiencing with the relevant adults with lessened fear of retaliation can help. She describes a rainbow of interventions schools can offer to help and will often tell youth what she can provide. Sometimes, youth might be surprised by what is possible.

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Reese also acknowledges the importance of family support to youth who may be targets of bullying, expressing that the "messages at home need to counter that messaging from the peers." Sharing a positive narrative on what it means to be neurodivergent and empowering youth to describe their needs at home is critical so families can advocate for their teens.

Neurodiversity Education

Perhaps the most effective interventions to assist neurodivergent youth on the social scene are not ones that single out any given teen, but community-wide neurodiversity education. If schools, families, and peers are aware of neurodiversity and can embrace others who have different ways of experiencing the world, perhaps there might not be such a need for formal accommodation processes.

Misty and Reese are doing this work by educating their communities on neurodiversity at micro and macro levels. In addition, a growing number of neurodivergent individuals are opening up about what the world looks like behind their eyes, bringing awareness, normalization, and celebration of neurodiversity.

If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.