"He's Going to Take His Pound of Flesh"

"Nico is constantly extorting us. He'll come to the dinner table but only if we make him the foods he demands: chicken nuggets, pizza, pasta. We have a great time playing ball outside. When I say it's time to stop and get ready for bed, he says he'll do it only if I agree to let him have more video game time. It's like we owe him something when we set any kind of limit or say no to something. He's going to take his pound of flesh."

This is a common phenomenon in families with kids who are fierce about being in control and can be demand-avoidant. It is sometimes called "equalizing"—the need to level the playing field by getting something in return.

As I try to help parents figure out how best to handle this—to provide what their children need, not necessarily what they want—I think about how to give these kids a sense of control in a healthy way that moves them toward adaptation in the real world.

This is the general approach that I find is most helpful for these families:

Take Nico, age 6, who feels the need to "take his pound of flesh." He hates going to Greek School. He demands that if he agrees to go, his parents will have to give him an extra two hours of time for video games when he gets home to make up for the time he has to spend at this "boring" school. Previously, his parents had been acquiescing—they did not see an alternative—but they did not feel good about it. Then we came up with a plan.

They validate Nico’s experience: "We know you don't like Greek School and we accept that. It's a mommy/daddy decision because it's important to us that you learn about our history and culture." They refrain from arguing with him when he retorts that he doesn't care. Experience shows that defending their position only results in Nico getting more revved up and argumentative, refuting every point they try to make. Instead, they acknowledge and accept that he doesn't like it and that's okay, and he will still be going. Greek School is a "have-to."

At the same time, they tell Nico that because Greek School is an add-on to regular school and requires a lot of brain effort, on Greek School days they are going to have an indoor dinner picnic (which he loves) with one of his preferred foods he gets to choose and help prepare. The idea is that they are baking into the plan something special to acknowledge his hard work. This makes it easier to resist caving to his often irrational demands and reinforcing his notion/narrative that they are harming him and therefore owe him.

They explain that they are not going to fight with him to go. They acknowledge that they can't make him get into the car. So his choices are: When it's time to go to Greek School, if he's ready they can add five minutes to screen time because it saves time when he cooperates. If he isn't ready, every minute they have to wait for him gets taken away from screen time later that day. The idea is to teach him that cooperating saves time and makes more time for "extras." When he doesn't cooperate, tasks take more time which has to get deducted from an "extra."

The combination of not engaging in a struggle—which Nico is looking for as it is experienced as power—and adding some extras to give him a sense of control leads to greater cooperation, not just with Greek School but with other similar situations as well.