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Key points
- The key to receiving criticism is not letting it diminish your self-confidence.
- When someone unfairly criticizes you, reflecting on what they're saying is helpful.
- Get clear about who you are, what you're OK with, and what you're still working on.
It's never fair for someone to impose their opinion on you when you haven't asked for it, so you must be clear about what purpose your critics serve.
If you're using drugs and your family is bugging you to stop, that might be something you need to change. But if you know that the things your critics are ranting about don't reflect reality, that's a clue that their criticism is really about them, not you. Whether there's some truth in what they say or none, it isn't fun to be criticized and picked apart.
So how do you respond to people who only see your faults, exaggerate the truth, and root for you to fail?
You deserve to be able to fight your battles and work on your changes on your own time, without pressure to do things on other people's timelines or according to their opinions. When someone unfairly criticizes you, reflecting on what they're saying might be helpful.
It could be useful to consider which of your imperfections you're OK with and which you'd like to change; if you do this, you won't be so sensitive when another person points them out.
How to Respond to Unfair Criticism
The first step when you feel criticized is to get clear about who you are, what you're OK with, and what you're still working on. This allows you to explore how comfortable you are, letting others give you input about your life—even if it's negative—without making you feel like you need to change or defend yourself.
Sometimes you put boundaries in place with people in your life and repeatedly ask them to be more respectful of your choices, but they continue to be critical. Maybe you know what you need to work on, but that person just won't let it go; they remind you every chance they get.
For example, one of my previous clients, Alan, came to see me soon after getting a divorce. He explained that he and his wife had grown apart, and she had left him for another man. Alan's mother never liked his wife and constantly complained about her. Once the divorce was finalized, all he heard from his mother was, "I told you so. None of this would have ever happened if you'd listened to me." Although Alan's marriage did end in divorce, he didn't regret his decision to wed. He admitted to me that while some of his mother's points were valid, and he should have worked on some things earlier in the marriage, her constantly criticizing and rooting for his marriage to fail didn't help either. She was one of the wedges that drove him and his wife apart, and after the divorce, she continued to try to get in the way of his decision-making, criticizing his every move. As he said: "She's trying to help in her way, but it's too much. I get it; my marriage didn't work. But it's like she's so happy she was right about it that now she uses it every chance she gets. I can't even sit through dinner with her. Last time I got so angry, I stormed out of her house."
Constantly being unfairly criticized, like Alan was, can make anyone angry. The key to receiving criticism is not letting it diminish your self-confidence. In Alan's case, his mother's criticism was unfair and unhelpful—unjust because it was constant and offensive; incorrect because it was inaccurate.
How to Deal with a Critic Who Roots for Your Failure
If you continue to get angry when you're criticized or feel like someone is rooting for you to fail, first clarify that you, your decisions, and your actions are undeserving of the criticism you received. Then, follow these tips.
1. Create internal calm. Try to remain calm and centered, whether the metaphorical slap in the face comes from family, friends, or a co-worker. Any criticism can fuel anger because it brings up feelings of inadequacy. So, by all means, let yourself get angry about it. But most of the time, expressing that anger will only make matters worse and give your critic the high ground. No doubt, it will prevent them from listening to you. So when the harsh words come, take a minute to breathe and get grounded. Then, before responding, channel your logical brain and access the calm within.
2. Respond, don't react. Once you establish an internal calm, it will be easier for you to respond, instead of reacting with anger. This is responding by setting a boundary about the criticism. In Alan's case, a boundary sounds like, "I have heard this all before; I would like to talk about something else. If you continue to bring this up, I will finish my dinner at home."
3. Recap the words back to your critic. Refrain from pressuring yourself to have the perfect response to a critic; nothing comes out as perfectly as you'd like. So if you have a tough time setting boundaries, repeat your critic's complaint to them, ensuring that you clearly understand it.
You can start by saying, "I want to be sure I heard you correctly," and then repeat how you heard the person's words. The objective is to focus on the words, not the emotions they provoke.
An aggressive person might be hoping to anger you and cause you to react. Or they might want you to accept the criticism to empower themselves. Instead, you are taking the focus off your reaction and putting it back onto the literal words of the criticisms—without accepting them.
4. Open up the discussion. Not being overly emotional might surprise your critics, allowing them to think more deeply about their words. If this happens, an honest discussion can take place. It's helpful to use language that shows your perspective.
For example, "I can see how you might get that idea, but allow me to tell you my thoughts." This indicates that you're open to talking about it and seeing their perspective, which will disarm them and open them up to listening to you. You're less likely to be heard if you get defensive or disregard their statements.
It's natural to react strongly to unjust criticism, and sometimes there's no avoiding it. But if you're constantly getting angry and nothing changes, try this approach.
My client Alan started to manage his anger about his mother's comments by remaining calm, calling his mom to clarify what she meant by her criticism, and then stating that he understood what she'd said. He found out that his mom just wanted to be heard. Once she felt he'd listened to her, she backed off and started to be receptive to his perspective.
This may not work every time, but it is worth a try.
Changing your responses to critical people takes time and work. However, if you can manage it, they will hopefully change how they react to you as well.
