The Dark Side of Romance: Bad Thoughts Spark Bad Behavior

Source: Image by Olya Lolé from Pixabay

You see the small bouquet of flowers outside your front door as you approach. Impressed with the gorgeous arrangement, you reach for the card. It contains a simple, complimentary statement, and is signed “Your secret admirer.” Looking around, you don’t see anyone in the vicinity and have no idea who it is from. Should you be flattered or frightened? That depends on what your secret fan is thinking—about you.

Attention Fuels Intention

As stalking victims can attest and as I have studied for years as a sex crimes prosecutor, there is such a thing as negative attention. Many victims in cases I have handled have shared their initial reactions to learning they had a secret admirer. Some were skeptical, some were surprised. But others were flattered—particularly when they did not consider themselves attractive or were not used to receiving selective attention. The issue from a safety perspective, however, is the nature of that attention. Because attention fuels intention which fuels behavior, negative attention can be a risk factor contributing to problematic approach. Research explains.

Timothy J. Valshtein et al. (2022) studied the “gray areas” of romance, examining presumptuous romantic intentions (PRI).[i] They explained that when pursuing a potential romantic partner, some strategies are bolder than others. They measured the extent to which romantic pursuers decided to embark on presumptuous courses of pursuit. Among other findings, they discovered that PRI predicted actual presumptuous romantic behavior. But apparently there are other factors involved.

Frustration Fuels the Fire

In their study of PRI, entitled “I’ve Been Thinkin’ Bout You” (2022),[ii] Valshtein et al. investigated how relatedness frustration and negative fantasies impacted presumptuous romantic intentions. In two studies, they found that having more negative fantasies about a romantic target was linked with a higher amount of presumptuous romantic intentions. This pattern was particularly true during COVID-19, where the pandemic further frustrated many people's need for relatedness, making them feel socially disconnected, and we might consider it would be true today for people who feel disengaged, outcast, or ostracized for a variety of other reasons.

Intervention Promotes Prevention

Perpetrators who feel isolated or rejected sometimes exhibit bold and brazen behaviors toward individuals they feel have snubbed them or are otherwise not interested or receptive to their romantic advances. Yet in many cases, intervention promotes prevention. In addition to the self-protection value among victims of recognizing and responding to instances of unwelcome and unwanted approach, redirecting suspects is also an important goal. Valshtein et al. note that perceiving predictors of harmful relationship behaviors can potentially dissuade romantic pursuers by decreasing the discomfort of disconnection and protect the pursued from unwanted romantic advances.

Professional intervention, whether from law enforcement, mental health providers, or counselors, or other types of third-party participation, can protect potential victims through addressing negative thoughts of a potential perpetrator before they manifest into intentions and behavior. Recognizing risk factors and red flags thereby affords an opportunity to intervene sooner rather than later, to protect troubled individuals from themselves, and promote community safety.