What Happens When a Partner Asks for an Open Relationship

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In the throes of a new romance, the exciting journey of developing a deeper relationship can come to a screeching halt with a partner’s comment over candlelight during dinner: “I think we should see other people.” For monogamists, this often calmly delivered, matter-of-fact declaration is beyond disappointing; it is devastating. But if you are honestly surprised and never saw it coming, consider the signs and signals you might have missed.

Red Flags of a Roving Eye

People pursuing a wholesome, healthy, exclusive relationship need to be able to recognize the signs of those who are not, in order to avoid wasting time. There are, in fact, ways to spot the signs of someone who is comfortable in a relationship, but looking for more.

WingShan Lavender Ka et al. (2022) examined the behavioral and psychological predictors of attitudes toward consensual non-monogamy (CNM)[i] which they define as a relationship in which partners agree to have “extradyadic sexual or romantic relationships." Their research found that sociosexual behavior predicted attitudes toward CNM, moderated by avoidant attachment—described as “too much need for independence, fear of intimacy, and disinclination to self-disclose.”

Consensual Non-Monogamy

In addition to open relationships, defined as sexual relationships outside a primary relationship, Ka et al. identify two other types of CNM: polyamory and swinging. They describe polyamory as "having consensual loving and romantic relationships with more than one partner," and swinging as when a couple “engages in extradyadic sex, usually in parties or other social settings where both partners are in attendance.”

Many people cannot fathom the thought of a paramour even having a crush on another man or woman, much less suggesting any type of CNM, even as a couple. Ka et al. found one indication that a partner might be so predisposed is a high degree of sociosexuality.

Spotting Sociosexuality

Ka et al. note that sociosexuality is measured in terms of attitudes, desires, and behaviors within casual, non-committed sexual relationships, ranging in levels from unrestricted to restricted. People with unrestricted sociosexuality have more permissive attitudes towards extra-relational casual sex and multiple partners. Those with restricted sociosexuality have attitudes that are less permissive towards casual sex and value romantic exclusivity and commitment. Ka et al. explain that while high sociosexual behavior can refer to someone engaging in a variety of sexual activities or someone in a monogamous relationship who is cheating, CNM constitutes an agreement to be able to engage in sexual activity outside of a relationship. Yet there is a correlation.

Sociosexuality Predicts Non-Exclusivity

Ka et al. found that a higher level of unrestricted sociosexual behavior produced positive attitudes toward CNM. They also note that researchers have found that men report significantly higher unrestricted sociosexual attitudes and behavior, yet we know that women hold such attitudes as well. They recognize the link between unrestricted sociosexual behavior and positive attitudes about CNM may stem from the similarities, noting that non-committed and non-exclusive sexual relationships are a common theme of CNM. People with more restricted sociosexual behavior view CNM less positively and are likely less willing to engage.

Even without knowing someone’s attachment style, one might observe signs of unrestricted sociosexuality. Whether through knowing the details of someone’s relational history, or listening to their ideas and opinions on current events or issues involving sexual behavior or infidelity, there are signs of sexual attitudes and inclinations. If what you learn or hear does not comport with your relational beliefs and values, better to put on the brakes sooner rather than later. Instead of viewing an attractive new paramour through rose-colored lenses, don’t trade in your reading glasses too soon.

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