5 Words for More Happiness

Source: Tim Robberts/Getty

Co-authored with Joel Klepac, licensed marriage and family therapist

Would you like more happiness, clarity, and self-connection? A simple strategy can help. Check in now with how you’re feeling. See if you can notice a specific emotion. Maybe you’re feeling frustrated. Or perhaps sad, or lonely. Then add these five words as a prefix to the feeling: “A part of me feels frustrated,” or, “A part of me feels sad." Now give yourself a minute to check in and see what you notice.

These five words can start a helpful shift. It’s a process of emotional unblending, as Richard Schwartz and others in the field of Internal Family Systems (IFS) have discovered. And it brings many benefits.

On a recent solo beach vacation, I noticed a heaviness in my body and a longing for connection—that sticky feeling known as loneliness. When I realized that a part of me felt lonely—not all of me—a surge of relief and energy arose. It expanded in waves as I biked along the beach, an inner spaciousness echoing into the vastness of the ocean and softness of the sky. It’s a moment I never want to forget.

The shift from “all of me feels” to “a part of me feels” brings many gifts, including a larger perspective. For me, it brought access to new ideas for connecting with others and with my environment. Adding these five words to the emotion you’re feeling can bring an inner spaciousness and access to a deeper self that is calm, energized, and curious.

Finding and Focusing on Parts

The language of “parts,” as in “A part of me feels _____,” is invaluable. Seeing that it’s a part of you that feels a certain way naturally makes room for other parts and other perspectives. Not being fused with that specific feeling, while bringing curiosity and compassion to it, opens a world of possibilities.

Perhaps a part of you feels this is too good to be true. Maybe a part feels skeptical. Great. Get curious about that part. What is it trying to do? Protect you? Keep you from wasting time and energy and going down a useless rabbit hole?

We all have protective parts, and that’s a good thing—they help keep us safe. When you see a specific part of you, like a skeptical part, can you appreciate it for its intent? How are you feeling now, toward that part? Maybe a bit more open and spacious inside? Maybe a bit calmer? Perhaps even more curious?

Befriending Your Parts

Focusing on a part means bringing a gentle kind of curiosity. This can include asking that part what it thinks would happen if it did not do what it’s doing. Perhaps my lonely part at the beach feared I’d feel this way forever, missing out on companionship and the joy of sharing good times with others.

Another helpful question as you’re noticing and working with parts is to ask yourself, “What is happening now as I’m with this part?” Is there a softening and an expansive feel, or is it more of a pulling back and contraction? Attuning to the emotional tone can help guide you toward a place of expansion and self-care.

This question also clarifies how much open-heartedness and compassion are present for engaging with this part. If you feel critical towards this part, or have a strong desire to just get rid of it, then it’s helpful to step back and see if this critical part can relax so you can understand the part you want to focus on.

If there is a basic level of curiosity and openness, then you can go further and ask the part, “What are you trying to do for me?” Or maybe even ask what it’s afraid might happen if it didn’t show up this way? Pretty quickly, you might notice a much clearer appreciation for the protective role this part is trying to play in your life.

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Working With a Perfectionist Part

Joel Klepac, my co-author on this post, recalls a situation at work that triggered a perfectionist part. Noticing a feeling of discomfort, a tightness in his chest, and almost a freezing feeling, he became curious. Instead of rushing past it, he took a moment, asking, “Why is this feeling showing up this way?” He was able to observe, “A part of me is feeling anxious about not being perfect.”

This alone brought a bit of relief and a decrease in the anxious feeling. He reminded himself: “I am not simply anxiety; I’m experiencing an anxious part.” This brought a bit more space, allowing him to see it as an anxious part, not all of who he is.

Then he gently asked himself, ”What is this worry about?” This question brought a realization: As a teen, he had gotten approval for good grades and achievements, and he still had a middle school belief that this was why people cared about him.

With this realization now conscious, he could focus on this part and update it on the rich friendships he now has, and the ways they have demonstrated care for him regardless of his imperfections. This brought feelings of warmth, peace, and ease.

Parting Words

Using these five words—“A part of me feels _____”—is a way of nurturing yourself. Adding them can bring an inner spaciousness where there is more room to breathe, experiment, and try new approaches. It’s a way to meet yourself with kindness and care.

Know you can work with an IFS-trained therapist for deeper understanding. Research is increasingly demonstrating the benefits of this therapeutic approach. As you make room for all your parts, gently and with care, you naturally make room for others’ parts as well.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.