7 Ways to Save a Friendship

If you are like most people, you probably have at least one friendship you value greatly because you have known this person for a very long time. If you met today, you might not choose each other as friends. Most of us evolve as we age and want different things from a friendship than we may have wanted when we were younger.

What do you do if your best friend has not evolved in a positive direction, and you realize that you no longer enjoy his or her company?

Maybe your friend is just going through a bad patch or maybe he or she is stuck in a negative rut. Whatever the reason, you now find this friend unpleasantly self-centered and rather toxic. You no longer have the patience to listen to your friend's complaints because you have used up all your compassion.

What Do I Mean by "Toxic"?

By toxic, I mean that you no longer feel good when you are with your friend. Instead of feeling uplifted and happy, you feel depleted and exhausted. You end up wishing you had skipped seeing this friend and had chosen something else to do with the time.

The question now becomes: What should I do? Do I stay friends out of loyalty, or do I leave out of self-preservation? Is there a graceful way out of this dilemma that allows the friendship to continue but on a better path?

This is the situation my client Betty faced. It is a good example of this type of friendship dilemma.

Betty and Suzi

Betty and Suzi have been good friends since elementary school. Their bond was sealed in high school where they formed a united front against the more popular mean girls in their class.

However, these days when they get together for their weekly lunch, Suzi is bitter. Her life has not gone in the direction she had hoped. Most of her conversation consists of nasty gossip and complaints about how other people are treating her.

Whenever Betty starts talking, Suzi somehow manages to bring the topic back to whatever is going wrong in her life. Suzi does not seem to realize that she is monopolizing the conversation and coming across as disinterested in Betty.

Instead of enjoying their conversations the way she used to, Betty now finds herself growing bored by Suzi’s litany of complaints. By the time their lunch ends, Betty feels frustrated, unseen, and exhausted.

How to Deal with a Toxic Old Friend

If you identify with Betty and want to change the dynamic in one of your friendships, you may have found yourself on the receiving end of well-intended advice like, “Either accept her as she is or just cut her out of your life.” But that is easier said than done.

The two of you go back a long way and you are reluctant to just drop this person. If possible, you would like to save the friendship. We all know that it is hard to make a new old friend.

Here are seven suggestions that I created for Betty. One of them might work for you.

(1) The Funny Redirect

Your friend interrupts you again and shifts the focus to something in his or her life. You smile and interrupt your friend and say something like:

Redirect! It is my turn to be the center of attention. You had your turn last week!

Then you immediately talk about whatever interests you.

(2) Change the Topic

You interrupt your friend who is starting to hijack the conversation, and you gently change the topic:

I want to hear your story but first I wanted to tell you about (fill in the blank).

(3) Be Honest but Kind

If your friend keeps monopolizing the conversation and resists your attempts to change the topic, acknowledge what is going on without being insulting:

I know I keep interrupting you and changing the topic. I don’t mean to be rude or frustrating. I am just focused on (fill in the blank). Please humor me and don’t take offense.

(4) Politely Disagree

Your friend is complaining about you changing the topic or (fill in the blank) and somehow shifts to blaming you for something. You say:

Sorry. I see this situation differently than you. But I don’t want us to argue. Why don’t we switch to talking about something we both agree about?

(5) Be Direct

You simply and clearly state the truth:

I value our friendship but lately it seems something has shifted in the way we relate. I am not enjoying myself as much when we are together. Are you?

We seem to be in a negative conversational rut where you complain about your life, and I listen and validate you. This is fine up to a point. You are one of my best friends and I care about your happiness.

However, I think we need to shake things up a bit. Instead of dissecting our lives, let’s shift to talking about cheerful fun topics we both enjoy.

(6) Do Activities Together

In this scenario, no one is singled out for blame. The relationship just needs some attention.

You both may have gotten trapped in talking. You may not have enough mutually interesting things left to talk about together. This can happen with friends or romantic partners.

The best remedy is to shake up what you are doing and add some activities that do not involve a lot of talking about each other’s life challenges.

You might begin by saying something like:

I would love to do more stuff together! I started a list of things we could do that interest me. Here is what I have so far. Take a look and put a check mark by anything that interests you. Add stuff you would like to do to the list. Then, let’s pick an activity we can do next time.

(7) Spend Less Time Together

If none of the above strategies work or you are too afraid of creating an unpleasant situation, you may want to gradually diminish how often you see your friend.

If your friend comments on this shift, you can say something true and uncontroversial such as:

I am super busy these days and have less free time than usual.

Then suggest a date in the future when you are willing to see your friend that is further away than usual. The goal here is to gradually drift apart without having an argument or assigning blame. That leaves you free to reverse course and see your friend more often if you find that you miss her.

Summary

Relationships can get stale when two people know each other a long time. Sometimes what you want out of a friendship has changed. If you are the one who is unhappy with the way things are, it is up to you to try to shift things in a direction you would like better.

Try some of these seven strategies to see if you can change the dynamic. If that does not work, you can gracefully take a step back from the friendship by radically reducing the frequency with which you meet.