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Personal Perspectives
Calling All Cat Ladies and Other Non-Parents
Here's how to deal with all the buzz about people who don't have kids.
Posted August 2, 2024 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Cat ladies are everywhere, and finally people are talking about them.
- Plain-stated beliefs offer the chance for new understandings, especially about those who are marginalized.
- Staying silent invites further misunderstanding and increased gulf between parents and non-parents.
“Hello, childless cat lady,” gushed my friend’s shirttail relative. The two hadn’t talked in decades. After a jovial conversation about suddenly being launched into the limelight as non-moms, they caught up on the highlights of each other’s last many years.
I’m one of those “cat ladies” everyone’s talking about these days, too.
Some declare we have no stake in the future. Our votes are less valuable than those of children.
Say what you will about the politics. No matter what your bent, this moment is too important to steep in partisanship. People without children of their own, regardless of the genesis of that reality, represent one of the last frontiers of marginalization.
We’re a demographic without an obvious route for flexing our collective muscle, and part of this is because we’re an incredibly diverse demographic. From those who never wanted kids to the ambivalent to the unpartnered and not willing to go it alone. Those who tried for kids with all their might and without success. Those who dedicate their life energies to other noble callings. There are few voices that bridge the wide gamut of our experience.
And now we’re all lumped together as cat ladies.
For some, not having kids can be a privilege, for others, a plight. Just as with many parents, we can fluctuate between those extremes. Over the course of our lifespans, circumstances change, and our identities evolve.
We’ve been present in our communities from time immemorial, often relegated to the sidelines. So, what shall we do with this unexpected spotlight? Let’s drop the veil of stigma and defensiveness and simply share the realities of who we are and how we organize our lives.
What cat lady time offers us is the opportunity to flex our voices and offer our truths. What it’s like not having kids in a culture high on family. How it feels to be called out for not being a parent when we offer so much to the texture of our society.
Let us learn from other movements—Civil Rights, Gay Pride, #MeToo, Black Lives Matter, and so many more.
We all know people who don’t have kids. Just as Dick Cheney chose to consider his lesbian daughter from a different, more accepting perspective, so can we all tilt toward respect and curiosity when it comes to those without kids.
As one of the remaining bastions of marginalization, remaining silent invites further misunderstanding and widens the gulf between parents and non-parents.
This time is fraught and rancorous. The silver lining of this moment is that deeply held pronatalist beliefs are blunt and in the open, where we all can see them. I’m a volunteer mediator, and this is the kind of transparency that opens doors to new perspectives, acceptance, and connection.
Effective mediators set personal judgments aside, express sincere interest, ask questions that solicit honest input, and give the other person time to think and answer.
Granted, addressing potentially charged topics can be challenging.
If you’re a parent, suspend any judgments you might hold about people without children and replace those judgments with curiosity and openness about otherhood. You already know many people who don’t have kids.
If you aren’t a parent, choose what you’re OK sharing. Then, ask yourself if you’re glossing over or hiding something that’s important. Push your edges while you respect them. We non-parents have regularly been targets of tough comments. Now is the time to expand the narrative.
Whether you have kids or not, take a deep breath, be honest, and see what happens. Here are a few questions you might want to pose:
- How do you feel when you hear people say those without kids have no stake in the future?
- If you don’t have kids, what do you wish you could ask or tell a parent about your situation?
- If you do have kids, what do you wish you knew or could ask a non-parent about their situation?
The most productive, mind-expanding action we can take on the cat lady topic is to become radically curious about others’ experiences and beliefs. Our efforts can open floodgates to flowing truth and instigate change.
